Body vs Race (at the baths and at the gym)
Why is it that the gay community considers bone thin young Gay White Men (GWM) 'Abercrombie and Fitch'. While at the same time young Gay Asian Men (GAM), with the exact body type, undesirable and worthless? 
In America gay men are EXCLUSIVELY attracted to white European-type men. What is so ironic is that these same European gay men (that are so desirable in by U.S. gay men) more receptive to different races. That is because in Europe, people are far more open-minded to different cultures and races. It is a different cultural upbringing and mind-set, as you see many interracial couples on the street. But the American culture is solely focused on Caucasians. You see it on TV, print ads, magazines, and movies. Just about everywhere you see any media images. So gay men in the U.S. are brought up with the subliminal message that white is the only desirable race.Add to that, the majority of gay men are obsessed with their body. Being toned and muscular is every gay man ticket to acceptance in the mainstream, barhopping, bathhouse-going, coke-snorting, Cher-loving, gay community. Once you are 'buff' you are in. So it should come as no surprise that many gay men are running to the gym in droves in hopes of being more marketable in the gay community. And an increasing number of these men are Asians. These are the GAM who refuses to give up hope. They are convinced that GWM are their saviors. Again, it is that deep insecurity that so many GAM carry with them. GAM hope to feel the acceptance, they crave so desperately from the gay community, by hooking up with a GWM. If we as GAM cannot control the racism in the gay community, the only other option is to be able to control they way we look. That is because GAM continually has to fight the stereotypes of being small, submissive, and gentle. In short a bottom. But does an Asian man redefining his own body really help? Put it this way. How many buff Asian faces do you see at a white party? It is pretty apropos that they call a party like that, since only white guys are allowed there! It seems to me that that GAM is at the bottom of the totem pole no matter what our bodies looks like. The reason is that GAM do not have the body or facial features of Caucasians, so few white men appreciate the beauty of an Asian body. It is generally understood in the gay community that Caucasians want to stick with fellow Caucasians. That is why Latin, Hispanic, Native American and even South Asian men are higher on the totem pole with GWM. South Asian men's racial makeup comes from India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bhutan, Bangladesh, Nepal, and Maldives. That group has a very strong Caucasian body type and facial features. It is almost like they are Caucasian, but their body has been dyed a different color. So those men are considered exotic or multi-racial Caucasian men. It astounds me how white guys proclaim they are not racist, when it comes to dating or hooking up. They point to the fact that they date/sleep with South Asian guys. But these guys are Caucasian! Even on some gay hookup sites, under the heading "Looking For", many guys check off the following boxes: African-American/Black, Hispanic, Multi-Racial, Other, White. The box with the heading "Asian" isn't checked off. Don't believe me. Next time you are on a gay hookup site, take a look. About 80% of the guys have checked off every race except Asian. But many GAM still refuse to accept their low standing in the gay community. They are convinced if they buff up, white guys will accept them. So you have GAM working their bodies hard and eating almost nothing to achieve the perfection that is seen in the gay white community. You see so many GAM at the gym religiously, hoping to emulate the white boy body, thus being accepted. But even after a GAM achieves a perfect body, we still do not get any respect from GWM. It really blows my mind when I continually see white guys at the baths who are overweight, average looking, even with major acne problems ignoring good-looking, toned GAM, simply because they are a different race. At the baths, these mediocre overweight gay men will chase after other white guys, who are out of their league, rather than a good-looking Asian. Or they will hook up with each other, simply because they are the same race. All the while there are these muscular GAM at the baths, standing around and not even getting noticed! So what I am concluding is that GWM are not body obsessed, but rather race obsessed. I know of one very muscular Asian guy (Tim from GWM & GAM Speak Out!) that tells me: 
"In that sense, I think it doesn't hurt that I have a nicer-than-average body, in terms of "them" liking me. But, it is my feeling that many young non-rice-queen White gays are so preoccupied with the category, Asian, and with the idea of "Asian men = small (penis) = not sexy = undesirable = undoable = don't want to be seen with Asian guys," that how I look as an Asian individual makes no difference. Since they can't see beyond the category, being buff is not even noticeable to these people." (To view Tim's body, which he says is rejected by mediocre (his words) white guys on a regular basis, click here) GAM who do not work out are separated into two body types: Bone-thin or pleasantly plump. However, there are also many GWM who fall into the exact same body type. And these GWM do not have any problems finding companionship at the baths, while GAM with the same body type are completely ignored. For instance I see a lot of bone-thin anorexic looking white guys at the baths and they do not seem to have any problems finding sex at the baths. These guys are considered Abercrombie & Fitch types. While many GAM with the exact same body type, are not even considered on the same wavelength. A toned, muscular GAM will face more discrimination in the gay community than an overweight GWM would. In fact, I see very little difference between the gym and the baths, in terms of the politics and culture between gay men. If wanted to know how it feels like at the baths, without actually going, just go to your nearest gym. It is exactly the same. All of the GWM stick together, talk together, and work out together. None of the GWM even bothers with, speaks to, or even looks at any GAM. These GWM are even friendlier to white men over sixty than a GAM in their own age bracket! This is what I am concluding. If a gay man desperately wants to get off at the baths (Read When Desperation Sinks In) and has to choose between a perfect body and a guy ethnic background, race will win out every time. The proof of this is the bathhouse for Rice Queens. I see so many good-looking, toned, muscular Asian men all standing around waiting for someone to notice them. While at the same time many of the white patrons (regardless of age or body type) are getting laid by record numbers. And again, just scroll up to look at Tim body, which he says is ignored by many mediocre GWM. In fact once when I was at the baths, I overheard this guy say, "Why are all the Asians here? Why do not they go to the (bathhouse for Rice Queens)?" Think that was an isolated incident? I do not have to remind you of the story I told in Rice Queens (being passed over for a retarded person). 
You may be thinking, okay maybe I am targeting guys that just have certain fetishes. Try this story on for size. Once I saw a guy in his thirties who was the average looking gay yuppie. He was walking around ignoring every GAM who had a similar or better body than him. Then this young overweight guy showed up. The two promptly went to a room where they f**cked each other. I could overhear the moans and the groans and the proclamation that one of them had such a fine ass. You may be thinking, okay the gay yuppie is a chubby chaser. And I could accept that, because you do not choose whom you are attracted to. But two hours later he was hitting on a bony, rail thin forty-year old. What did all these men have in common? You guessed it they were all white. And that is not an isolated incident. Orgies and private sex parties have always fascinated me.. For years I've tried to get invited to one. I registered on a gay hook-up site that features such parties. But I was denied an invitation to every single party I requested an invite for. Sometimes I would notice a party that hardly had any participants signed up. I would sign up a few days before, and still get rejected. One guy only had three guys signed up for his party, and I still got rejected for an invite. On his profile he said he was interested in African-American/Black, Hispanic, Multi-Racial, Other and White. He too, didn't check off the box that said 'Asian' Finally, I slipped through the cracks and got an invite (my first and only one). I was nervous, but I went because I always wanted to go to one. This party was billed 'Real Sex for Real Men'. The operative being that it doesn't matter what you look like everyone is welcome. Well the party turned out to be a disappointment. Oh there were average guys there, but nobody wanted to be with me, as the only Asian. Men of all shapes and sizes stayed away from me like I had the plague. At one point during a break, all of the guys were standing there wondering whom to do next, and I was the only one who didn't get touched. It was like I was invisible. Worse, some guys seemed nervous and avoided eye contact with me. It was like they were worried that they might have to do something with me. Just to be polite. I was just regulated to tit sucking, if I was lucky enough that the guy didn't push me away. I tried to participate, but was turned away by almost every guy. And other guys in worse shape than me, got tons action. I mentioned earlier that South Asian men have Caucasian features, and thus are considered Caucasian in the gay community. There were three South Asian guys at the party, and they had no problems giving and receiving. In fact I felt that one South Asian guy was in worse shape/looks than me. But he had no problems getting action, including kissing many guys. When I tried to kiss the same guys (in between the tit sucking) the guys would turn their face, so I was kissing their cheek. I am not the only one to observe this body vs. race issue. This reader from Vancouver, Canada wrote to me saying; "I have some Asian friends who are no more than that to me, (one in particular) who are really good looking and when they visit the tubs they often don't find what they want. It mystifies me that sometimes the blondes they like sometimes would pick me over them (I'm just average and don't like blondes at all, although I do like dark haired Caucasians, Hispanics.) The entire arrangement seems like a frustration merry-go-round." Try this other story on for size. The other day I was in the whirlpool and three different guys kept walking back and forth, quite impatiently. The minute I got out of the pool, all three of the guys immediately jumped into the pool. I even overheard one of the guys say "At last" with a sigh. Now it does not take a genius to figure out that they were waiting for me to exit before they got in. And these three guys were of different generations. One was in his twenties, one in his thirties and the other one in his fifties. 
Because GAM have a reputation for desperately chasing after white guys, we are all lumped together in the eyes of many GWM. Those three white guys probably thought I was going to hit on them, so they stayed away. Would they have gotten into the whirlpool with me if I were white? Absolutely. I do not doubt it for a second. This type of incident has happened when I've walked into the orgy room, the porn room, or even the shower area. The minute I enter, all of the white guys immediately get up and leave the room. I felt like saying something, but am I being paranoid? Who am I to speculate? But then on the flip side you have Rice Queens who love Asian Men. So why not just spend you're time hanging out a Gay Asian Bathhouse and chase Rice Queens. Well because Rice Queens have their body standards as well. They want a bone thin Asian men, almost anorexic looking. The thinner the Asian can be, the more desirable they are to Rice Queens. The majority (not all) Rice Queens identify as bi-sexual. Their attraction to Gay Asian Men stem from their attraction to women. They want it both ways, the softness and feminine qualities of a guy, along with their masculine features. If you think of Gay Men who are attracted to a trans-person, you get the idea. Whenever I go to the bathhouse for Asian men, I cannot tell you how many good-looking white guys are together with a bone-thin Asian man. Which leaves hard muscular Asians or stocky, somewhat overweight Asian guys twiddling their thumbs. If this was reversed and the muscular or somewhat stocky-men were white, they would have no problems attracting a guy at the baths. But if they are Asian, they might as well stay home. Even the Rice Queens would ignore them, making it seem that Rice Queens view Asian Men as a fetish. I recently received this letter from a 31-year-old GAM from Brooklyn. It pretty much sums up this entire essay. I am very American, with a very American build and do get my share of good-looking men my age of all races. But I think that if I were of equal looks as a Caucasian, I would be irresistible and have more men interested in me. I know I sound a little conceited, but I am stating something here to make a point. I am always fearful that someone will reject me for being Asian. I don't need them, but I want to pick a fight with them. I want to challenge their thoughts, and make them do some soul searching about why they have no desire for a hot (Asian) guy. And sometimes I want to charm them and make them want me only to have the power to leave them hanging. That is my issue. Fact is, I know a hot guy when I see one. I have had long term relationships with white, Latino, and Asian -- the longest being with the Asian for 6 years. I have been with Black men, but not long-term relationships. But I am certainly open to having one with black men. I think that my open mindedness comes from a love for myself, and my refusal for settling for anything less. Life is not easy for us Asian Males (both straight and gay). What we really need to do is to demand for positive and diverse depictions of Asians from all walks of life. Asian men are often depicted in the media as sexually undesirable nerds geeks and freaks. Until this stereotypical image is eradicated, I fear that we will always be viewed as sexually undesirable. It's very tiring. So in terms of the body vs. race issue, race seems to matter far more to white guys, no matter how toned or muscular a visible minority is. In my opinion, gay men aren't really body obsessed or even look obsessed. It is a subliminal race obsession. Sigh. Why cannot gay men be more superficial and just be concerned about bodies? Kidding! But on a serious note, we are all minorities within minorities within minorities. If we cannot treat ourselves with dignity and respect, how can we expect the straight homophobic community to treat us any better. It's a tough question, and I wish I had the answer.  RELATED LINKS
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