Eye Contact
You walk down the street and catch some guy's eyes. You do not stop to continue the gaze with a nod and a friendly smile; you just continue to walk. Shopping in the supermarket, your eyes meet with another guys for the briefest of seconds, before you start to look away. At the gym, whether it is the weight room or the locker room, there are so many guys with so many eyes. You keep your head lowered or look right past everybody so you do not make eye contact. For every gay man out there, making eye contact with a guy happens all the time, whether it is intentional or unintentional. But with eye contact comes the superficial thought a lot of gay men have, "Man, I am being cruised again? " Why is it that making eye contact, simply to be friendly and give some acknowledgement to another guy, makes that guy in question feels like he is being cruised? 
A persons eyes are a window to that persons soul. It is the way for two people to become intimate with one another, without any form of direct contact. Maintaining eye contact with someone is in itself its own language. For a majority of gay men, consciously or more often sub-consciously, eye contact is the number one language used to cruise. We are all guilty of it, as it is in our blood. But the problem is that the feeling of being cruised in a bar transfers itself into other places. Like I mentioned on the street, in the bank, at the supermarket, even the gym. Everyday places where eye contact can happen. It seems to me that a lot of guys will not only avoid eye contact, but also adopt this "pissed-off" look on their face most of the time. That look is the sign for "do not come near me, do not approach me, I am not interested" to other guys. But in reality, that look is to mask a huge insecurity that almost all gay men carry with them, which is low self-esteem. Recently, I've started sitting right in front of the main bathhouse entrance. That way I can see all of the new arrivals enter the baths for the first time. 85% of the men that come in avoid almost all eye contact with me. No acknowledgement, no nod, not even a 'Hi'. Since the baths are known for its anonymity, that is to be expected. However, there are some guys I've seen at the baths for years. And when they walk in, they turn their heads and avoid looking at me all together. This, despite the fact I'm sitting right in front of them. I'm not cruising, chasing or even being threatening to anyone. I'm just sitting there. What is so threatening about that? Yet, the eyes are being avoided. That is the sign of a guy who has self-esteem issues (like most gay men). You might be thinking, 'Well maybe he is shy?' No. Shy people wouldn't have the guts to enter a place like the baths. If someone acknowledges me with a hello, or even stops me to chat, I know that person has self-confidence. By sitting in the same spot, week after week, I'm recognizable. Self-confident men wouldn't even feel the slightest bit of a threat by me. On the other end of the spectrum, guy's who avoid eye contact or even the slightest acknowledgement, have issues. That is a guy with low self-esteem. I've spoken about eye contact in non-cruising situations. Now, eye contact in cruising situations. Like it or not, eye contact is the language that is used when cruising. And there is no worse place to have eye contact with someone than a Bathhouse. Since there is hardly any direct communication going on, the eyes do all of the talking. The conventional thought is if you make eye contact with someone in a bathhouse, it is a general tip to the other guy, that you are interested and vice-versa. Now a lot of guys have written to me saying if no one approaches me at the baths, then maybe I should be the one approaching them. But eye contact gives me a pretty good indication if someone is interested or not. If I see a guy I like, and they do not return the eye contact, or looks and sees right through me, then I know this person has zero interest in me. I do not have to waste my time chasing this person and I can move on to someone else. Also, when the guy seems to have the 'pissed-off' look, then I know that he is projecting a vibe for other guys 'to stay away'. 
I remember one year I saw a GORGEOUS and MUSCULAR blond guy who looked like he was a porn star. He kept his jeans on, but was shirtless, and wore sunglasses. It was the summer, and during that season, the bathhouse feels more like a pool house. Men would come in and out from the outdoor patio and pool. They would be completely naked or be wearing a towel, having spent time either swimming or tanning (yes, the bathhouse I go to does allow nude tanning and swimming!) The blond guy stood in the hallway for an hour. Finally he came up to me (that approachable face again) and asked me what was wrong with all these guys? Excuse me, I said? He started to tell me he was from out of town, and stopped by to check out the bath situation in my city. He could not understand what was wrong with all of the local guys? Why was no one approaching him? I explained to him that #1 by wearing sunglasses, no one could make any eye contact to see where his interest lay. #2 with his jeans on, he is giving the signal that he is not to be approached, and is probably only interested in receiving a blowjob. #3 with his looks and incredible body, a lot of guys think they are out of his league. But mainly it was the signal he was projecting, 'I am unapproachable'. He thought for a second and then said, 'Nah, It must be the guys here.' And with that he left to go to another bathhouse. But the fact is, his demeanor really does give off the signal that 'I am not to be approached, unless I approach you'. Another time, I remember a different GORGEOUS guy was at the baths in the porn room, with a full erection. He was stroking himself up and down, all ripe and ready to receive oral. Sounds like he wanted someone to blow him, right? WRONG! Whenever anyone even entered the porn room, this gorgeous guy would shoot daggers with his eyes. His eyes really gave off the message that we were all to 'GET THE HELL OUT'. I guess he was waiting for someone more to his liking, whatever those standards may be. What I cannot stand is when a guy goes out of his way to avoid me, even after I get the message that there is no interest from his standpoint, and I leave him alone. I have to admit that I am very sensitive and thinned skinned. But when someone avoids me like the plague, I take it bad. Such as leaving a room when I enter it, taking a different route in the hallway to avoid me, or even avoiding passing my room when he is making the rounds. It is hard to desensitize myself from that type of blatant rejection. I know I should not take it personally, but it is hard. I mean what else are they rejecting, the chair I am sitting in? The towel I am wearing? Of course they are rejecting me. But I can also understand them acting that way, because of the huge amount of Asian men that constantly hit on GWM (Read Racism or Preference.) I see it at the baths all the time. After being cruised by so many gay Asian men, many gay men lump all gay Asians as being desperate and constantly chasing after them. Another thing I cannot stand is when some guy gives off major attitude, by acting like everybody is cruising him and it is exhausting for him to deal with all of these eyes staring at him. But in reality he is only average looking, and nobody is really paying attention to him. This is especially true with a lot of overweight and out-of-shape guys, who run into Asians in the hallways. As I mentioned before, because Asians are stereotyped for going after any GWM, a lot of these guys think we are cruising them! So they turn their heads, look away, and give off major attitude if any Asian guy enters a room. Like we would even be interested in them! And forget about just making a conversation with someone cute. As I had mentioned even acknowledging someone with eye contact in the lounge, men think they are being cruised. So they become unresponsive to conversation, so they can get that person to stop 'cruising' them. 
Now just to put the shoe on the other foot, I have been in the situation where older men in there sixties cruise me, to the point that they are stalking me. Although it hurts me to do this, I have to resort to the type of behavior I talked about above, just to shake the older guy. It is almost like these older guys do not know how to take no for an answer. Sometimes there will be an older man standing outside my room, trying to make eye contact with me, while massaging his genitals. During this time, I am looking away, turning my head, staring at the ceiling, trying to send the signal I am not interested. Usually that works. But on more than one occasion, I am looking away for more than five minutes, and the older guy still has not given up. Then I will usually say, 'I am just resting'. Then the older guy leaves, but continues to cruise and give me eye contact for the rest of my stay at the baths.
One time I was in the whirlpool and this 60 year-old man, who had been cruising me for an hour, got in and sat near me. I was not interested, and I tried to make that obvious. I sat away from him, positioned my face so that I was facing a wall, and curled up into a fetal position. You would think that he would get the message. What did he do? He tried to play footsie with me underneath the water. I did not expect him to touch me, and when he did I was so surprised that I yelled and sprang up! And then he took offence that I acted that way. Excuse me, but who was cruising whom? Is it not obvious by my actions that I was not interested? Of course you all know my theory of why older guys chase after Asians, (Read Racism or Preference. ) While I have a problem finding someone my age, older guys are in no shortage for my pickings. It really, really upsets me that I have to treat these older gentlemen this way, because of my work at the Gay Elder Center. But unfortunately, sometimes you have to be blunt to show someone that you have no interest. But a lot of older men approach me for conversation, because I have a very approachable persona. I have no problem with that, but I always make it clear that it is just conversation we are having, that is all. A lot of the times I will run into people I see over and over again at the baths, but have never had any type of intimate contact or conversation with that person. I always try to acknowledge that person with some sort of eye contact and a nod. Some guys seem to appreciate the acknowledgement and return with a nod of their own. Others look right past me, without even a return glance. And if I run into someone I have been intimate with, I have always acknowledged that person with a nod and a hello. But a lot of guys do not do that. Usually they act as if they have never seen you before. What I think is that they must be dealing with their own insecurities and problems to be that rude. But on the flip side, there are other guys I have seen regularly, that have taken things a step further. Nods turning into hellos, which turn into conversations every time we run into each other. There is one guy, about my age, that I have seen at the baths every Saturday afternoon with out fail for the past four years. If there were a Saturday afternoon regular, it would be the two of us. But it took us years to get to the point where we would even nod and say hello to each other. Now we are having the briefest of conversations, like the weather, just because we have seen each other so many times. The friendship is rather tenuous and very superficial. I sometimes wonder about him, what makes him tick. And why he comes to the baths. Maybe someday we will go out for a cup of coffee, outside the bathhouse. And I can find out more about him. I will have to keep you posted.
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