My HIV Experience
(Continued from page 1)
But unfortunately many of the younger gay men still do not get it. I cannot tell you how much bare backing goes on at the baths (especially in the dark room). Hence the continued outreach program at the baths. And even outside the baths, there is a blasé attitude about safe sex. For instance, in my city we have an AIDS memorial that is just down the street from one of the most popular gay bars. Every year on World AIDS Day, there is a candle light vigil. During the ceremony the new names of our brothers and sisters who have passed on are added to the memorial. Other than that day, the AIDS memorial is better known in gay circles as the best place to have park sex. If two guys meet at the bar, and want to have a 'quickie', they just trot down to the memorial. There are trees, shrubbery, and other camouflage that surround the memorial. As well the way the memorial is designed, there are benches, nooks and corners, perfect for that discreet quickie encounter. It is not unusual to pass by the AIDS memorial at 2AM and see scores of young guys going at it. Most of the time you will see guys leaning against the AIDS memorial getting blown, while others are sprawled on top of a nearby picnic table getting f**cked. That is how unaffected and complacent younger gay men are about HIV and AIDS.
Many older gay men are disgusted and sickened by the thought of younger gay men having sex at the AIDS memorial. They consider it in poor taste and an insult to the memory of those who have died of AIDS. The younger generation counter all of the outrage by saying what they are doing is actually honoring the men who have their names on the memorial. These men died from AIDS by having unsafe sex. By having sex at an AIDS memorial what they are doing is a re-generation of their lives, almost like a re-birth. These men died of AIDS, and now the younger generation is having sex there, in their memory. It is completing a circle, the circle of life, thus bringing closure.
Along those lines health issues are not at the top of our agenda. So many of us do not even go for a yearly check-up. With all of the new drugs on the market, many men feel it is now safe to have unprotected sex with other young men. The drugs are viewed (WRONGLY) as a way to control HIV/AIDS; the same way diabetes is controlled. And there is this feeling of being tired. Tired of being safe, tired of using protection, tired of constantly thinking about safe sex. Young gay men want one thing - SEX: the true feeling of being inside someone, pure skin-to-skin contact. (Read Quickies for the live bare backing sessions I have witnessed at the baths)
As I lay in his arms, my mind was racing. Although I did want to leave, my compassion stopped me. I would hurt his feelings, falling into a horrible stereotype of exhibiting fear before fact. It would make things awkward if we ran into each other at the baths or in the gay neighborhood. So I stayed. Then he started to explain how he got HIV and the support he has been receiving from his friends and family. He had been so careful for so many years. Just one time he slipped up. We then spend some time talking about his medication. We were both silent for a long time after that. Finally, he spoke up and started stroking my hair. 'Does it matter', he asked. I said no. He continued, 'If you want to leave, you can, and my feelings will not be hurt'. My compassion clouded my judgment, and I turned to him and said, 'No, I want to stay'. And with that, phase two of our lovemaking started.
The first time we made love, it was gentle and wonderful. This time around for phase two, he was rough, sweating like a dog, which made me all wet. His erection was huge, and he continually pushed his dick hard on my thigh. All the while we were making love I was going through the motions and being robotic. My mind was racing and I kept thinking, 'Am I going to get something' Will he break my skin and cum all over me? Is saliva and sweat really non-transmittable?" Instead of enjoying the moment and letting go, I was thinking and second-guessing every move he was making. I kept thinking, 'Am I going to get something'.
Finally, we ejaculated simultaneously and collapsed on top of each other. There was a little bit of afterglow, a kiss goodbye and it was over. I took a shower and really cleaned myself from head to toe. I did this not because I was afraid I might get something, but because of he was very sweaty. I made a decision that if I were to see him again, I would not make love with him. It is because I would be second-guessing every move he made, instead of enjoying the moment. Since that time, I have seen him at the baths and we are friendly to each other with a quick acknowledgement and hello. But seeing him in action, bedding three to four guys a night, I think to myself, does he have a responsibility to tell a pick-up he is positive? All gay men know that every time we enter a situation, not knowing if someone is negative or positive, we must take responsibility for our actions. We can always ask. But apparently, he doesn't think it's his responsibility to tell a pick-up about his status. And many HIV positive men apparently share his feelings.
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