Making The Connection
(Continued from page 1)
But it is not only these 'straight' men having this need to connect. Gay men have this need to. That is why you can see so many of the same men at the baths over and over again. All they do is hang out. It is almost like being a regular at the same bar night after night. Why are there these regulars? Like the deeply closeted guy, it is the subconscious feeling of loneliness and the need to connect with other gay men. To feel a sense of belonging within the gay community.
For instance, I've seen this good-looking Russian man frequent the baths on a regular basis. And how do I know he is Russian? Anyone who will listen, he has told his life story to. Complete in a heavy Russian accent. Any White guy the Russian spotted, he would approach and talk to about everything and anything. And some times, the Russian would hit it off with someone and get lucky. But just a warning; some guys do find this annoying when complete strangers come up and starts talking. Again it just gets in the way of some men looking for pure sex (which underneath is a need to connect). When approached for conversation, some men think that sex is the motivating factor
I've overheard various bits of conversations the Russian has had with other White guys. What I can piece together is that he is not OUT at all. But has these urges to be with other guys. He also considers himself to be straighter, than gay. Seeing this Russian talk to every White guy and try to be very social, struck me as a desperate need to connect with the gay community. I've even overheard the Russian guy admit to other people that he uses the baths to socialize and meet other gay men. Because the fact is he doesn't know where else to go to meet other gay men.
But another thing struck me about the Russian. After a while I couldn't help noticing that he spoke to almost every regular at the baths, old and young, fat and thin. Everyone that is, but myself and all the other visible minorities. When I, or other visible minorities, would be in the whirlpool with him, he never spoke to us. Not once. However, the minute anyone White would get into the whirlpool, he would immediately turn on the charm and start a conversation. You could almost see the desperation in his eyes, even in his body language, as he wanted to connect with someone, anyone. But as long as they were white
I know I'm speaking about racial thing again. But clearly it is just human nature for people to only feel safe and secure around other people like themselves. So a White Russian guy probably would only feels comfortable around other, similar white guys. Since he probably wasn't surrounded by to many visible minorities in Russia. He also probably feels a sense of 'foreignness' around anyone who isn't White. But he also seemed to be very class and status conscience, which I mentioned as being prevalent with gay men earlier. Hence only speaking and interacting with other whites guys.
Another group that is very class conscience is Asians. Yes, I'm on that subject again, but this next anecdote is too good not to tell. The other day I was at the baths, and I saw this VERY muscular twenty something Asian guy (and yes, the Russian guy ignored him to!) He seemed quite agitated, walking up and down the halls quite impatiently. Finally he was paged to go to the front desk to either check out or renew his room. But he wasn't ready to go. So he checked out of his room and purchased a locker, so he could stay longer. I had later heard from the front desk attendant that he had been at the baths for 8 hours at that point. He must have needed to get laid BAD! As time wore one he was getting more and more bitchy. At least that is what the bathhouse staff thought.
The next thing I knew, he checked out of his locker, re-purchased another room, and was in the company of a white Twinkie, who was a hustler. All of a sudden his personality changed. No longer was he rude and scowling at other people. But he seemed to be in a buoyant mood, laughing and jovial in the company of his white rent-boy. And the thing is, they hardly had any sex! They spent most of their time talking in their room, in the whirlpool, or sitting in the sauna. I'm sure they had sex at some point. But it was almost like the Asian guy wanted and needed some company, some conversation. And it had to be from someone who was white.
Underneath that Asian guy was an implicit repressed inferiority. As if white conversation is better and that as an Asian he was being denied something better that whites have, namely, being white. I saw him as being with a white guy (for conversation) as some sort of social-climbing function whereby he had hoped to 'improve' himself like some female. Just look at the money he spent on that one day. For all of his time at the baths (over 12 hours) and renting that white guy just for conversation, it cost him about $150.00.
When I observe the Russian guy or the Asian guy, I see myself about five years ago. The need to connect, to feel acceptance, to feel a sense of belonging in the gay community. Through therapy, I don't have those desperate feelings to connect with someone else anymore. I feel more secure and OK being alone. And you know what? It's a great feeling.
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