Straight & Bi Married Men
Straight & Bi Married Men

Sometimes part of the fun of going to the baths is observing all of the men cruising one another. One of my favorite pastimes is to sit in one of the busiest hallways and watch all of the men pass by me and focus on each mans left hand. Why? Because I like to see how many wedding rings I can pick out. My all time record was counting 20 wedding rings in a single night. (Though since same-sex marriage has been legalized, this little game I play no longer applies!)

For married men, the baths are a perfect place to get your rocks off, and not worry about getting caught. As I have mentioned, the baths are a "behind closed doors" type atmosphere, its location very secluded and out of the way. It is just too risky for married men to go to a gay bar looking for a pick-up. First there is the constant worry of being "seen" by someone. Second, you do not have to waste your time at the bar, talking someone up. At the baths you can get right to the point. Third, married men have no place to go have sex if they find someone. The baths are so convenient; you are there, a room is only steps away, and you can cut right to the chase.

But many married men go to the baths, looking for some sort of companionship in a non-sexual way. (Read Making The Connection for more) These men don't have many dealings interacting with the gay community and the need to connect someway with other gay men is strong. Whether it is conversation to observing two gay men having a quickie. It fills that need to be with another man. These men feel safer connecting with other gay men at the baths than the bars or clubs. (Again that closed doors environment) What the baths offers these men is a false sense of security and acceptance. There is a sense of freedom to let go and feel uninhibited.

But its not just married men who use the baths to fool around. I have had encounters with many gay men who are in committed relationships, but not in an open relationship. Now here is an interesting tidbit. No matter how turned on some of these men may get, or how much they want to get off (ejaculate), when they are having sex with someone else at the baths, they control themselves and manage not to cum. The reason? If they cum earlier in the day with someone else at the baths then cannot cum later that same day with their significant other, suspicion will arise. I have even heard of some couples, when infidelity has crept into their lives, that each person must ejaculate every night in front of the other. This is to show that they have been faithful. But to get back to married men, they do not have to worry about ejaculation. They can just feign a headache to their wife.

Typically married men go to the baths during the day, never late at night when the place is most popular. You can catch married men at the baths at three different times. Lunchtime, (read The Lunch Special for more). After work (during rush hour and commuter traffic.) And finally the most popular time Sunday afternoons during football on TV. The after work crowd consists of commuters who want to wait out the rush hour traffic. With nothing to do between 5 to 8 PM, these men will head to the baths looking for some action. Generally they will tell their wives that they are having a drink with a client, working late at the office or stuck in rush hour traffic. While the Sunday afternoon crowd will consist of other married men looking for some hot sex before Sunday dinner with the folks. Their excuse to their wives range from having to finish up some work at the office, going to the gym, or having a beer with the buddies at a bar, while watching the football game.

Now I have met and seen my share of married men at the baths over the years. One person I mentioned in Judging a Book By It's Cover. About a young married man who goes to the baths frequently. Picture a body like Jean-Claude VanDamme, face and hair of a model. Wardrobe consists of ripped jeans and a flannel shirt with no sleeves. Yet, he is married, in the closet and goes to the baths weekly. I once over-heard a conversation he had with a guy whom he just finished having sex with. He was saying that if there were a pill he could take that would make him straight, he would be the first in line. It made me think what his life would be like, if he was honest with himself. He would be so popular in the gay community. He sure would not be lonely. Yet he is in the closet and is married, and if I saw him on the street, I would think – straight.

Then there are the married and single straight men that use the baths just to get a blowjob. Many women do not like performing oral on their husband/boyfriend/or partner. They find it gross and prefer the conventional way of sex. So these men just head to the baths and wait for some guy to blow them; the guy performing oral doesn't have to look great. The straight guy is just concentrating on the wonderful feeling of getting blown. You will find many of these straight guys sitting in the porn room. All they have to do is sit there with an erection, stroke their dick up and down, and eventually men will come. I remember one guy who only liked to get blown. Every week, on the same day at the same time, he would arrive at the baths. He would plunk himself in the porn room, stroke himself, and in the next three hours over twenty guys would suck him! During that time, he would never say anything. Some blowjobs lasted a minute, others could go on for five minutes. After three hours he would shower and leave. He proved so popular and consistent that guys used to be waiting for him by the porn room. And every seven days it would happen again and again.

Other married men I have seen at the baths arrive with a hustler they have developed a relationship with. Every week they met up at the baths, have wild sex, and then go their separate ways. In another 7 days they met up again. As I had mentioned in my story Tricks of the Trade, in a hustlers mind, a trick is not a one-night stand. A good trick is when you get a customer coming back for more and more. That way a hustler has a guaranteed source of income.

While there have been other older (and I do mean older) men who are married and use the baths to get off. Many of these men are still married, because back in the 50s and early 60s, that was the thing to do. Many of them hoped that by getting married, it would erase the feelings they had for men. There was not this freedom that exists today, where men are coming out at a very early age. Subsequently, they have come to grips with their sexuality, but lack the courage to come out and break up the family. It is hard when things have been the same for twenty years. But surprisingly, I have met some older married men who have come out to their wives, and now they are having a marriage in name only. Not wanting to break up the family or their relationship, the man is allowed to pursue gay relationships. So they are together for the sake of the family, but both parties pursue new relationships outside of the marriage. But I have also met some other men who were married and have since divorced their wives. They just did not want to live a lie any longer. I really salute their courage. It is not easy being 50 or 60 and coming out in this day of age. While it is more accepting to be gay now, unfortunately the older you get, the more invisible you are within the gay community, which is so focused on youth and beauty.

So to sum up why married men go to the baths. Half of them are in denial about their sexuality. Despite vowing never to go back to the baths, they always do. And the other half accept the fact of their sexuality and keep coming back for more and more, constantly worried about rocking the boat in their current marriage. I just hope that all of these married men are practicing safe sex, for their wives sake.

30 thoughts on “Straight & Bi Married Men At The Gay Baths”

  1. Never been to a bathhouse but have read lots. Would love to go on a late night weekend, if I find one. I’m bi, bottom and open minded of pleasure. Would love to try it out.

  2. I am married and love bathhouses. I am married to a very conventional woman who does not like oral and anal. Having sex at a bathhouse allows me the opportunity to receive oral and get as much anal as I want and guess what, it makes me feel like I am not cheating. Cheating would be having sex with a woman. Just my way of enjoying what I like without the guilt trip.

  3. Hi. I just wanted to say that I Luv bathhouse blues. I’m 37 yo bi white male and married. Just the kind GAM talked about in one of his articles. I’ve never been even touched by a guy but finally I’ve summed up the guts and finally I’m going to a gay bathhouse. I’ve wanted cock since I was young and now I’m finally going to do it! I’ve read most of the blogs and found them fascinating and I can’t wait to go! I think I’m very sub and I don’t want to cum while I’m there but want to suck as many cocks as I can. Unlike GAM I’m totally into much older guys like daddy Dom types. I would luv to serve as many of them as possible. Any tips? Anyway the one thing I’m totally scared about is catching a disease. GAM said that blowjobs are low risk. I think he meant as long as u don’t swallow. Well I’m sure u can stop sucking before a guy squirts his load in ur mouth but what about drinking pre-cum. Isn’t that dangerous. Ur words of wisdom would really help.

  4. Great blog, thanks. As a married Bi_curious man in LA I would like to know how someone finds a bath house in their city? Are there review sites for best places to go?

  5. *clap clap* ray thank you, u summed up most of my thoughts there, yeah I haven’t been in the gay atmosphere for long, I’m bi, and already find most of the typical “white boys” annoying, u attracted to Hispanic/Middle Eastern guys? Me too, I’m in love with 1 at a time, so sad I don’t know if his gay or bi, haven’t asked him yet, too afraid. A little off the topic for a moment, has anyone here suffered heart break from constantly falling for a straight guy? the past 2-3 years I been falling for str8 guys, and it fucking hurts when I find out about them,,, I don’t wanna experience the same pain again. Anyone got any philosophical sayings you can post, to cheer me up 🙁

  6. Nice stories guy as I am a Latino bottom guy that happens to be married but love cock action and I have had some great times in the baths of NYC and Philly.

  7. I am in the process of reading your entire site and I must thank you. A friend of mine told me about a bath house here and invited me to join him to see what it was about. The idea is unbelievable, just thinking about it excites me so very much I can’t believe it. Here is my problem, first I am military, secondly, I am married, thirdly I have an utterly uncontrollable fear of HIV. I consider myself bi-sexual, I love sex with women and men both. After reading your website I have come to the conclusion that I am going to do it…no more hesitation, I am going next week. Thank you again for the enlightenment. By the way, I am a 33 y/o white male and I have no problems what-so-ever with Asians or anyone else. If you want feel free to drop me a line, I am always looking for someone to talk to, it really sucks to hide in the closet and be unable to tell others just how much I love a big fat cock

  8. I have never been to a bathhouse. My question is this: I am a 50 year old bi guy reasonably good-looking and in decent average shape thinking of visiting a local house to see what’s what. I would only be interested in socializing and perhaps safely topping a nice guy. I am not into the “scene”, and nor am I any youngster. Will I be way out of my league, or might there be others of my age and interests? I would appreciate your thoughts.

  9. Thanks for the expert testimony. I go to Steamworks in Berkeley from time to time. I learned a lot from you. I’m married and very good looking, and quite timid about connecting.

  10. Good job, very informative. Helps us married str8 guys move one step closer to gaining membership at a bathhouse and realizing we are really bi or gay.

  11. I was shocked to see a real site on the things that happens in a bathhouse. I used to frequent bathhouses for years and it was my secret pleasure. I would be sitting on my couch-watching friends and all of a sudden I’d start getting hard just looking at my foot. So I’d pack up and head downtown, get a bottle of poppers and strip my ass down to just a towel. After a while I’d just leave the towel in my locker and just go into the play area naked. I liked to go into the stalls and grease my ass – then take a big whiff of poppers and look for the first dick to enter through one of the holes.

    It would only take a little time before a dick would pop through. I’d be pretty high by this time and I’d start rubbing his cock with one of my ass cheeks slowly moving to my hole. At first it would seem big and the first pump would hurt a little. The nature would take over and he’d start pumping as fast as he wants. I’d just let my ass get fucked until I would guess he was ready to cum then I’d pull away – I didn’t want nature to go too far- if ya know what I mean. I always wanted to be screwed bareback – it was sooo good and I miss it some times. I remember one time I was in the sling my ass was getting screwed by this really cute Spanish guy. It was soo hot I wanted him to fill me up – well he pulled out just in time and squirted his cum all the way from between my legs over my head. Some of it went into my mouth – right at that moment another guy pushed in and I got fucked hard for the next 20 minutes.

    It was very good and I think of it often at night. There was another time it was in the middle of the week and I thought I was the only person in the house. They closed off a portion of the house because there were some construction guys working. It was a real bummer because the lights were on and it made for a real uninviting environment. So then I decided to slowly stroke my cock in an area where the construction guys could see me. They were laughing at me until another patron came up and started stroking my cock for me. It was so erotic to be completely exposed in front of normal people. Then I decided to turn around and bend over pointing my ass at the good patron. He started to fuck me nicely in and out – he had a nice long cock and he seemed to get a kick out of screwing me in front of the construction guys. I loved it and I let him cum in me – then I sucked his dick clean. I would have fucked all the construction guys if they’d whipped their dicks out. I think secretly they did want to pull them out.

    Anyway – I am now married and have a daughter. But I still twist my nipples sometimes in the shower and think of those times.

  12. I am the wife of a man who used to go to the Bathhouses here in my state. He was bi and had LOW self-confidence. He preferred women, was bi-curious and having no luck with the opposite sex. He says he went to experiment sexually and to gat release with another person and also because it was an escape from the women he was rejected by. I have been curious about what he did on his visits and about what it was like, since I never knew of the existence of such places before he told me. Our local paper ran a pretty unbiased and fair article about the bathhouses in our area recently and my husband said I should read it if I were curious about the subject. That article lead me to this site. My comment is that my husband was in his early twenties(now we are in our late twenties)when he would go to the bathhouse he was a member of for a year. I asked him about interracial sex he has had. He told me that he has had sex with a black woman and that he has had sex (oral sex only, he was disease paranoid) singularly and in a group at the bathhouse with black and Asian men. I also have a few gay friends and a gay uncle. While my uncle only dates inside his race, the younger guys of my generation have been all over the world in that respect. Perhaps the racism you speak of in your article is more of a geographical problem. I have seen very little of that here and my husband says that he hasn’t seen it at the clubs or bathhouses except in a few rare cases. We live in a northern state and a metropolitan area where different races mix well everywhere from schools to neighborhoods to the workplace. That seems to have spilled over into the gay community as well.

  13. I love the stories; we don’t have bathhouses here, but I often fantasize about watching men fuck men, about taking a man myself (I am 30 & bi-curious, but I’ve not yet taken advantage of any chances that have presented themselves — either the timing or the man is wrong). Your stories help me fantasize, from a more realistic perspective. Thank you so much.

  14. I read your passage regarding married guys. Interesting, yet incomplete. As a married Bi-sexual, I am interested to know the views of the gay guys that I meet at the bathhouses. How are we evaluated and how we are perceived. Not only those of us who are there for the blow job but also those who want to cuddle or go for the complete repertoire.

  15. Hmmm, interesting stories that frankly got me hard. My experiences with bathhouses are a little different to yours. As a married bi-male in the San Francisco area, going to the Water Garden in San Jose is a great option. Luckily I have had the opportunity to do it with Asian males, very cool. Where are you at? Drop me a line.

  16. First time to see this site. Read all of your articles and found them enlightening since I’ve never been to a bath house. Always wondered what it would be like. Since I am closeted, your web site helped my understanding. Wondered if there were guys there that like wrestling holds applied in the rooms as foreplay/domination satisfaction. (not actual wrestling, just holds applied). Tks guy, Ric

  17. I love your stories…relating to some of them as an Asian male who is now 40. I’ve been working out so the work has really increased the number of contacts at the bathhouse. However, I’m also married so I really relate to the Married Men column.

  18. I loved your web site. Being a closeted gay guy myself, I could relate to most of what you said… all but not having guys hit on you. I am a GWM who has always found Asians particularly attractive (not because of the submissive thing). I can’t imagine that other guys don’t also find Asians attractive.

  19. Hi, I am one of those married men you wrote of. I’m 60..healthy..good shape and bi-sexual, though until 2 years ago had not explored the “other” side. Now I have and have discovered what I was missing big time. I seem to be most attracted to younger men…30s,40s mostly but not exclusively…and it was one of these young men (we met on a chat line) who introduced me to the baths. Wow! It’s like a another world. I’ve been there twice now alone, and both times had younger men make overtures to me. What an ego boost. I still wasn’t sure of the “rules” or the “etiquette” at such a place, so I used a search engine and voila, found you. And now I’ve spent a good half hour just reading your great stories, with more to go. Gives me a much clearer picture of what to expect, although rejection will never be something I accept easily. (I haven’t had it yet, simply because the boys approached me in the first two instances.) I find these places…the one I go to anyway…to be very erotic and it feels great just to in the company of other men who feel much as I do. It’s an interlude and then I return to my real life, but it’s one I look forward to with great pleasure. Thanks for these stories…they are wonderful to read. All best, Matt

  20. It was most interesting coming across your website and reading your very candid and warm accounts. There are no bathhouses where I am but I can certainly relate with the sentiments expressed. I am a very closeted Chinese from a small island state near the equator. Thanks again for sharing

  21. Hmmm, interesting stories that frankly got me hard. My experiences with bathhouses are a little different to yours. As a married bi-male in the San Francisco area, going to the Water Garden in San Jose is a great option. Luckily I have had the opportunity to do it with Asian males, very cool.

  22. Thank you for your stories, they are very interesting and I am looking for more and more. I am a 52 year old male and I have been married for thirteen years, but I am bisexual. I have never been to a gay bathhouse but I should like to go there, without having sex. Is it possible to go to a gay bathhouse and not have any sex or touching? I just want to check it out without any physical contact. Is that possible within the bathhouse or should I expect that at least some physical contact will take place? Please let me know what’s your opinion about. Have you ever seen in a bathhouse completely shaved men, with no pubic hair ? Have you ever had sex with them? Is that unsafe for HIV, in your opinion? Thank you for your patience. I am sorry for my very poor English, but I speak English with difficulty.

  23. I like your stories, I’m not out, I am Bi and never have been to a bathhouse. Do you know of any web sites that list them? How does one go about finding a nice bathhouse in their city?

  24. Hey, I am a married male who has visited the baths two times now. I am in denial, and do practice safe sex.I wish I would have found your site before I went to the baths. A lot of my questions went unanswered…and therefore I missed several opportunities for sexual encounters. Keep up the great site…I enjoyed this new discovery.

  25. I was wondering exactly what to do once I actually got the courage to go to a local bath house. Seeing as I’m only bi-curious (and not out) I would like to think that anyone who saw me at a bath house wouldn’t say hello to me on the street and tell the people I’m with, exactly where I go at night(If you know what I mean). And also, do I really just walk in after paying and go find someone to fuck? Is it all that it takes? I just don’t want to be so nervous that I look too out of place for anyone to notice. And I don’t want to look like a moron because I don’t know exactly how things work in a bath house. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

  26. I really enjoyed your stories. I never knew bath houses existed in the states. How would I find out if one is in or around San Antonio? If one is near what do you suggest the best way to go to one? I’m married so it would have to be a lunch or afternoon visit with the other married guys. Thanks for any information. Scott

  27. I just read your ‘Married Men’ story. It’s sad that most men live a lie. My wife and I have chosen to live an open relationship and are much happier since. We both explore bi-sexuality our different ways or we go to a swingers party together. Sharing is more fun than cheating. Last time you visited a Bathhouse Never… But I’m looking for one now

  28. Wow. I just wanted to let you know that your experiences are identical to mine. I only do safe oral, I only play safe, however I am a deep in the closet discreet bi. G/F doesn’t know how much I love it.Just wanted to say hi.

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