The Politics of Oral Sex
The Politics of Oral Sex

The number one sex act performed at the baths is oral sex. There is so much oral sex going on at the baths, you see it everywhere. In the whirlpool, the shower area, the lounge, the list goes on and on. It is not uncommon to see oral sex performed openly at the baths. That is how common it is. It seems to be a prerequisite to being a gay man. You must perform oral sex. I had that mind thought as well.

When I first started going to the baths at age 21, there was not a guy I did not blow. I was so uneducated about STDs and HIV, I didn't have a clue about anything. Because of my insecurity, I spent a lot of time at the baths desperately wanting to connect with someone. The solution? I started giving out as many blowjobs as I could. I was so out of my mind that I didn't know what I was doing. The only thing I did know was that after giving someone head I would feel cheap and dirty, like a prostitute. I could not get out of the bathhouse fast enough, vowing to never return. But the next day it was the opposite. I could not get back to the baths fast enough. That feeling is in reality a lack of self-esteem.

I was like a lot of GAM (Gay Asian Men) in North America who have no self-esteem. Because I had problems dealing with my self-image, I couldn't love myself. I was in denial, needing to be validated by GWM (Gay White Men, who are considered the standard in the gay community). For the longest time, I didn't even see this type of behavior as self-hatred. And many GAM are the same way. After ten years of going to the baths, I still see GAM in record numbers giving head to anyone and everyone in sight. It is a never-ending cycle. I don't think I have ever seen a GAM at the baths refuse to blow anybody, even if that person is seventy! No wonder why so many gay elderly men take a shine to Asians!

I kept on this pattern of sucking everybody and anybody for two years. Then I suffered a traumatic experience. I lost my job. I was in such denial about my sexuality, that I focused all my energies on my job. When there was no job to focus on, my attention turned to my sexual practices. I started to suffer from paranoia, anxiety, and irrational thinking. Constantly worried that I might have gotten something, I eventually suffered a semi-breakdown and had to be put on medication. You see, since I was still heavily closeted, the only exposure I had to the gay community was a bathhouse. I had no clue about HIV or STDs and did not know where to turn. But I was lucky to find some supportive places to go. I eventually got tested for STDs (all came back negative), got my hepatitis A and B shot, and started seeing a gay counselor. Things got better, and I started to make connections in the gay community. I even volunteer at two gay organizations, one being the Gay Elder Center. So in a sense, having a scare like that, forced me to connect with other gay men outside a bathhouse environment.

After that traumatic experience, I didn't go down on another man for eight years, unless a condom was used. When I told this to my therapist (the same one from Open Relationships) his jaw just dropped open. Now I am not advocating everyone use a condom when performing oral sex. Let us be honest, if oral sex were a real high risk, thousands of men would be infected. As well, the people who say they got HIV through oral, we really have to wonder. No one could only do oral in their individual sexual practices; it might have been a combination of things.

For eight years I've stuck to my guns of not giving head, without a condom. It has made things quite awkward when men would come into my room wanting sex. I know, it doesn't taste the same. But how did I tell guys that I didn't suck without a condom? I usually played it by ear. Sometimes I would say right off the bat, "I do not do oral without a condom." And surprisingly, some actually did not have a problem. Either they would put one on, or they would say, "We can do other things." Then there were the rare times when a guy was not even interested in oral, and we did other things (although not anal, as I don't do anal with anybody). Of course there were some guys who looked incredulous, and left the room. While others simply said, "I'll take a pass. " But sometimes, things would get turned up so fast, I didn't have time to talk about the ground rules. Suddenly I would see a dick staring at me in the face. That is when I would say, "I just brushed my teeth" or "I just came from the dentist " And if the guy left, he left.

During this time I started thinking that oral sex should be a personal, intimate, bonding experience between two people who truly care for one another. This is the opportunity to let go and give completely to the other person. But I have to get my head out of a heterosexual mindset. In the gay world, it is the other way around. In the gay world, kissing is the equivalent to displaying intimate contact between two guys who truly love each other. Being blown or laid, you can get that anywhere. Real, physical, intimate contact, like kissing guys want to save for that future boyfriend. In fact, many guys have told me that they do not even kiss other guys they may encounter at the baths. Oral sex - no problem; Anal? pass the lube; But kissing? NO WAY! You would think it would be the other way around.

For instance, I've seen this one white guy at the baths for the past few years. I've spoken to him a few times, and he is totally gay, very friendly and cute too! But the only thing he does is perform blowjobs and nothing else. No kissing, no hugging and no anal. Blowing guy after guy after guy. I think his record is 10 blowjobs in one night. And the nice thing about him is that he doesn't seem to discriminate between the races, the ages, or the weight of the person. I've seen him go from white to black, fat to thin, old to young; just a variety of men. In fact I doubt he even cares about what the guy looks like. All he cares about is the dick and how big it is. I guess that is one reason why I have never seen him with an Asian man.

And he is not the only one. There is this other young, white guy I've seen on a regular basis at the baths. My take on him is that he identifies himself as straight, but is in denial about his sexuality. I would suspect that almost daily he has these urges to connect with other gay men. Whenever these urges become too great, he just drops by the baths. I've seen him at all hours of the day; after work, before Sunday dinner, on a Saturday afternoon, and so on. And all he does is gives blowjobs any chance he gets. One time I noticed him naked, on his knees, giving another guy a blowjob in the porno lounge. He blew that guy for at least a half an hour! The guy receiving the blowjob was sort of trapped, as the other guy (the deeply closeted giver) was so in to it, he refused to stop. He was truly sucking that dick like it was his last meal. The guy receiving had little choice but to sit there, continue watching the porno flick, and enjoy the blowjob.

Then there are men at the baths who just like to receive. Little known fact; you can find many straight guys at the baths. Simply because they want a blowjob. There are wives, girlfriends, or even fiancées who don't like giving their significant other a blowjob. Many women find it gross. What is a man suppose to do if he is not getting blown at home? By going to the baths. A lot of straight men don't consider oral sex adultery or even sex. They just see it as getting off. How can you tell a straight man at the baths? If he is wearing all his clothes but his zipper is open and his dick hanging out of his pants, fully exposed. The message is very clear; he just want to get blown. Gives a new meaning to the phrase "Well Hung!? "

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13 thoughts on “The Politics of Oral Sex”

  1. I’m one of those straight guys who basically just likes to get blowjobs. I go to a bathhouse like once a month. I’m never pushy, I usually just sit in the porn lounge or the sauna partially exposed and some guy checks me out touches my thigh a little and then I subtly suggest its ok for him to touch my pretty sizeable penis, and then I oftentimes get a blowjob. Usually they are really good, sometimes they aren’t(seriously guys beards are ok clean shaven is best stubble is just terrible) sometimes its too completion and sometimes its just for a few minutes, and/or they end it with a handjob. Oftentimes the guy will walk away after that. I’ve had a few conversations with guys at the bathouses, usually before “The act” but not a lot. Guys are generally kind of quiet in there like a very kinky library. I don’t really get turned on by other mens bodies but it feels good to be nude and comfortable in your own skin as a man and just honest about what you want. It’s sort of surprising to me that a lot of gay men enjoy giving head for its own sake with absolutely nothing in return, but hey I’m enjoying it. I certainly don’t see Asian men as a “backup”. I can recognize asthetic beauty in men and find that Asian men are among the most attractive looking, to me anyway. Occasionally I will stroke another mans penis while we sit together and I have given a blowjob twice, sort of out of a sense of obligation and to try it. I did not find it enjoyable it felt kinda gross and like an ordeal but at the same time not terrible. The last one I gave was seemingly pretty good for him, I know what I like in a blowjob so I just tried to do that, his was kinda small too which made it easy. I felt sorta bad though about trying to talk my totally naïve and petite girlfriend into blowing me back in highschool. It seemed to me that sucking a dick is an ordeal that is not for the weak of heart. Still…I was a really good boyfriend, lol that’s a whole nother conversation.

  2. Good sex happens when each party goes into it with the mindset that says, “I’m going to use your body to have a good time – you have a good time with mine.” When giving head don’t do it to service the other guy; do it to have fun and enjoy it. Use all your senses. His crotch is putting out pheromone, which hits my brain like a drug, and his pre-cum is leaking oxytocin – the bonding hormone. I feel his pulsing dick in my throat, I taste it, and I smell it and it gets me high as a kite. I’m not servicing him. I’m servicing ME. I don’t do it out of low self-esteem. I do it because I love it and that’s what I want. And when I’m really good and high, maybe I’ll let some other hungry dude take mine – but not until I’ve had enough dick and I’m flying high.

  3. I, too, found it incredibly difficult to kiss a man the first time, even after having sucked several cocks. I love to kiss because of its intimacy and the closeness that is more personal than having a cock in my mouth.

  4. I have a question I didn’t see addressed on your site. I’ve only been to a bathhouse a couple of times and am pretty inexperienced. I don’t get a private room. My question is, “When and where is it okay to cum?” A guy stroking me can really get me off. You talk about quickies in the shower. Do guys actually shoot in the showers? The porn room, the hot tub or how about the sauna? Is it acceptable to just shoot on the floor or is that bad etiquette? Part of my dilemma was I wanted to cum so bad but didn’t know where exactly I could or should. Is this a stupid question? Let me know. I never saw any other guys shooting loads that weren’t off in private rooms or out of sight somewhere. I ended up leaving without getting off for this reason. It was frustrating. Where is it acceptable?

  5. Have enjoyed much fun at bathhouses, where I had my first oral sex with another male , both giving and receiving

  6. What I am not sure about is the self-esteem issue at work here. I mean are you saying that any guy who wants to give head is suffering from low self-esteem?

    I doubt that in my case it applies, but I am willing to consider the issue from any angle. My enjoyment in sex is in the pleasing of the other person. I have a buddy who is str8 and he lets me do him whenever we get together. He says he likes the way I do it. That it feels so hot. And I get to have this guy in a way that is intimate for me and very gratifying.

  7. You need to present your stories better, They’re hard to read and your introduction is so generic. Quite boring. Organize the paragraphs better.

  8. I need some one to be with. Your stories are great and I do the same thing u do! Who gives a damn about STD’s! I will still blow and bite! I got to 9 inch and I am looking your way. ttyl, Kylew

  9. I just read your comments on not sucking dick…. It reminds me of when I was going to the baths. Most of the men I met were selfish… they just wanted to get off and cruise on. I think that’s why people go to the baths. They want no-strings attached pleasure, and they can find it there!

  10. I admire your honesty. I also liked reading about the dick sucking which goes on in the bath houses. I haven’t sucked a dick in the longest time for some of the same reasons you haven’t, but I still long for an 18-25 year old dick in between my lips shooting his load down my throat.

  11. Enjoy some of your letters. I am bi and never give head to a man for male and health reasons. But I understand your earlier feelings of need of reciprocation. I go occasionally to saunas in Hong Kong and normally I am “attacked” by some hungry mouths and sometimes I let it go and my (darkroom) blower disappears into the darkness. I feel guilty as I always like to reciprocate, but then I am somehow shy and not good at that.

  12. I have read a few of your stories and enjoy them. You are a good writer. I read “The Politics of Gay Oral Sex.” I have to disagree with your statement, “No one could only do oral in their individual sexual practices; it might have been a combination of things.”

    I got HIV from sucking. Oral was my only risk factor. If you care to know the details, visit my web page. Again, I congratulate you on one of the more interesting websites I have seen on on the web. I look forward to reading some more.

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