The Politics of Oral Sex
The number one sex act performed at the baths is oral sex. There is so much oral sex going on at the baths, you see it everywhere. In the whirlpool, the shower area, the lounge, the list goes on and on. It is not uncommon to see oral sex performed openly at the baths. That is how common it is. It seems to be a prerequisite to being a gay man. You must perform oral sex. I had that mind thought as well. When I first started going to the baths at age 21, there was not a guy I did not blow. I was so uneducated about STDs and HIV, I didn't have a clue about anything. Because of my insecurity, I spent a lot of time at the baths desperately wanting to connect with someone. The solution? I started giving out as many blowjobs as I could. I was so out of my mind that I didn't know what I was doing. The only thing I did know was that after giving someone head I would feel cheap and dirty, like a prostitute. I could not get out of the bathhouse fast enough, vowing to never return. But the next day it was the opposite. I could not get back to the baths fast enough. That feeling is in reality a lack of self-esteem. 
I was like a lot of GAM (Gay Asian Men) in North America who have no self-esteem. Because I had problems dealing with my self-image, I couldn't love myself. I was in denial, needing to be validated by GWM (Gay White Men, who are considered the standard in the gay community). For the longest time, I didn't even see this type of behavior as self-hatred. And many GAM are the same way. After ten years of going to the baths, I still see GAM in record numbers giving head to anyone and everyone in sight. It is a never-ending cycle. I don't think I have ever seen a GAM at the baths refuse to blow anybody, even if that person is seventy! No wonder why so many gay elderly men take a shine to Asians!I kept on this pattern of sucking everybody and anybody for two years. Then I suffered a traumatic experience. I lost my job. I was in such denial about my sexuality, that I focused all my energies on my job. When there was no job to focus on, my attention turned to my sexual practices. I started to suffer from paranoia, anxiety, and irrational thinking. Constantly worried that I might have gotten something, I eventually suffered a semi-breakdown and had to be put on medication. You see, since I was still heavily closeted, the only exposure I had to the gay community was a bathhouse. I had no clue about HIV or STDs and did not know where to turn. But I was lucky to find some supportive places to go. I eventually got tested for STDs (all came back negative), got my hepatitis A and B shot, and started seeing a gay counselor. Things got better, and I started to make connections in the gay community. I even volunteer at two gay organizations, one being the Gay Elder Center. So in a sense, having a scare like that, forced me to connect with other gay men outside a bathhouse environment. After that traumatic experience, I didn't go down on another man for eight years, unless a condom was used. When I told this to my therapist (the same one from Open Relationships) his jaw just dropped open. Now I am not advocating everyone use a condom when performing oral sex. Let us be honest, if oral sex were a real high risk, thousands of men would be infected. As well, the people who say they got HIV through oral, we really have to wonder. No one could only do oral in their individual sexual practices; it might have been a combination of things. For eight years I've stuck to my guns of not giving head, without a condom. It has made things quite awkward when men would come into my room wanting sex. I know, it doesn't taste the same. But how did I tell guys that I didn't suck without a condom? I usually played it by ear. Sometimes I would say right off the bat, "I do not do oral without a condom." And surprisingly, some actually did not have a problem. Either they would put one on, or they would say, "We can do other things." Then there were the rare times when a guy was not even interested in oral, and we did other things (although not anal, as I don't do anal with anybody). Of course there were some guys who looked incredulous, and left the room. While others simply said, "I'll take a pass. " But sometimes, things would get turned up so fast, I didn't have time to talk about the ground rules. Suddenly I would see a dick staring at me in the face. That is when I would say, "I just brushed my teeth" or "I just came from the dentist " And if the guy left, he left. During this time I started thinking that oral sex should be a personal, intimate, bonding experience between two people who truly care for one another. This is the opportunity to let go and give completely to the other person. But I have to get my head out of a heterosexual mindset. In the gay world, it is the other way around. In the gay world, kissing is the equivalent to displaying intimate contact between two guys who truly love each other. Being blown or laid, you can get that anywhere. Real, physical, intimate contact, like kissing guys want to save for that future boyfriend. In fact, many guys have told me that they do not even kiss other guys they may encounter at the baths. Oral sex - no problem; Anal? pass the lube; But kissing? NO WAY! You would think it would be the other way around. 
For instance, I've seen this one white guy at the baths for the past few years. I've spoken to him a few times, and he is totally gay, very friendly and cute too! But the only thing he does is perform blowjobs and nothing else. No kissing, no hugging and no anal. Blowing guy after guy after guy. I think his record is 10 blowjobs in one night. And the nice thing about him is that he doesn't seem to discriminate between the races, the ages, or the weight of the person. I've seen him go from white to black, fat to thin, old to young; just a variety of men. In fact I doubt he even cares about what the guy looks like. All he cares about is the dick and how big it is. I guess that is one reason why I have never seen him with an Asian man. And he is not the only one. There is this other young, white guy I've seen on a regular basis at the baths. My take on him is that he identifies himself as straight, but is in denial about his sexuality. I would suspect that almost daily he has these urges to connect with other gay men. Whenever these urges become too great, he just drops by the baths. I've seen him at all hours of the day; after work, before Sunday dinner, on a Saturday afternoon, and so on. And all he does is gives blowjobs any chance he gets. One time I noticed him naked, on his knees, giving another guy a blowjob in the porno lounge. He blew that guy for at least a half an hour! The guy receiving the blowjob was sort of trapped, as the other guy (the deeply closeted giver) was so in to it, he refused to stop. He was truly sucking that dick like it was his last meal. The guy receiving had little choice but to sit there, continue watching the porno flick, and enjoy the blowjob. Then there are men at the baths who just like to receive. Little known fact; you can find many straight guys at the baths. Simply because they want a blowjob. There are wives, girlfriends, or even fiancées who don't like giving their significant other a blowjob. Many women find it gross. What is a man suppose to do if he is not getting blown at home? By going to the baths. A lot of straight men don't consider oral sex adultery or even sex. They just see it as getting off. How can you tell a straight man at the baths? If he is wearing all his clothes but his zipper is open and his dick hanging out of his pants, fully exposed. The message is very clear; he just want to get blown. Gives a new meaning to the phrase "Well Hung!? " I remember one guy who only liked to get blown (he must have been straight). Every week, on the same day at the same time, he would arrive at the baths. He would plunk himself in the porn room, stroke himself, and in the next three hours over twenty guys would suck him! During that time, he would never say anything. Some blowjobs lasted a minute; others could go on for five minutes. After three hours he would shower and leave. He proved so popular and consistent that guys used to be waiting for him by the porn room. And at least 70% of those guys were Asian! And then there are the glory holes, where a guy sticks his dick through a hole waiting for whomever is passing by to suck him off. You don’t know who is doing the sucking, and the person sucking doing know whom he is sucking; you just see the dick hanging out of a hole and go for it. This is where anonymous sex is truly anonymous! But after eight years of seeing all of this oral action at the baths, I started to get tired of this type of "celibacy " I had been through therapy, the medication was working (for my irrational thinking) and I was getting more comfortable with being a gay man. The fact that I wanted to suck without a condom, felt like I was entering gay male adulthood. (I know that sounds stupid, but hey, it's my life). With so many men and women performing oral sex and not getting infected, why shouldn't I give it another shot? After all it is a low risk. 
So after eight years I decided to suck dick, without protection. I didn't plan it, it just happened in the moment. And it felt like the most natural thing that is suppose to happen between two men who are physically attracted to each other. Two men, intertwined together making love. And it was wonderful. After eight years, I can understand why men like to suck pure skin. It tastes yummy! And sucking a condom just isn't the same.However a few months later, I got a surprise. I found out that the first guy I blew after an eight-year absence from oral (because I was afraid of contracting something) was HIV positive! Isn't that so ironic? But you know what? I wasn't even worried or upset. My calmness about this discovery indicates to me that I'm getting more and more comfortable in my skin as a gay man. I did ask my AIDS counselor if many couples (one negative, one positive) perform oral without protection. He said many do, but they only suck. No ejaculation in the mouth. To me, what oral sex really boils down to is an issue of power. I truly believe that a lot of white guys at the baths look at Asians as the ultimate 'back-up? During their stay at the baths, they hunt for good-looking prey. When that hunt fail to find anyone, they go to the next best thing; the desperate Asian guy waiting in the wings. It really disturbs me that gay men only see us Asians as a way to service them, like some concubine. I remembered previous encounters eight years ago, when I freely gave out blowjobs. After the guy would be pleasured he would leave. I will be there on my knees; still in position, with my mouth open wondering, "What was that " "Was that worth it? " He got his pleasure and satisfaction, when is my turn? I certainly do not get any sexual pleasure out of only blowing someone for five minutes. Once a guy came into my room and asked if I like to give blowjobs. My reply was that I like to give and receive. And with that he turned on his heels and left my room. Everything I have just written about is basically the politics and etiquette around oral sex. But there is one topic I haven't covered, when to cum in a guy's mouth. You should always ask BEFOREHAND. It is bad manners to just cum in a guy's mouth, without even asking. One time, when I was just getting back into oral, a guy came in my mouth. I was shocked, then pissed off. Before that, anytime I was with a guy, they would always have the decency to ask whether they could cum in my mouth or not. Or they would at least give me a warning that he was going to cum, moaning and grounding saying he was close. But this guy, nope he just came. Even after I withdrew my mouth he was right there still in position, jacking off getting every bit of juice out of him. Afterwards he thanked me so sweetly. That was the first time I ever felt like punching someone out! The proper etiquette was that he should have asked, or even warned me. So after writing about all of the politics about oral sex, I hope I've made things more clearly for anyone who is new to the ins and outs of oral. I'm much more comfortable giving head - sort of. I won't strictly give someone a blowjob, and that's all. I don't want to have one-way sex, where I'm doing all of the work (the sucking). It has to be a two-way street. But oral isn't for everyone. Don't for one-minute feel pressured to do it, until you are ready. It is not for everyone. It took me eight years to feel comfortable doing it. It may take some others longer. Remember what I always say. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable doing. When you are ready to perform oral, you will know.
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