Racism Or Preference (At The Baths?)
The first two entries were to lay down the foundation for my stories. Right now I want to tell you a little bit about myself. Even though I am in my thirties, I still look a decade younger. Anytime I meet someone new, the first question they ask is "What are you taking in college", or "Do you go to school" I have this youthful, boyish face. Just last week someone thought I was 23. It has gotten to the point that whenever someone asks about my age, I usually say "Guess". 
I have a nice short haircut, dimples on both cheeks, and an okay body. (Nobodys Perfect) One person has described me as having a certain down-home, apple-pie stoic sweetness about myself. But when I go to the baths I usually go home empty handed. 99.9% of the time, I do not even have an encounter with anyone at the baths. Why would I have this problem? After describing myself, I must have tons of guys chasing after me. Because it is generally agreed, but unspoken in the gay community, that Asian Men are completely undesirable by gay men of any color, including their own.
There is still a racism problem in this country, which is most apparent in the gay community. Today's racism isn't blatant, but rather it is subtle. It is a back of peoples mind type of racism. People of all nationalities are being discriminated against every minute of every day. We all do it. No one is immune. The most ironic thing about the gay community is that we have fought for equality in the mainstream society. Yet in gay circles I have seen so many gay men discriminate against each other.
The baths is almost like a microcosm of a small town that consists of only gay men. It is a place where you can see every gay group imaginable under the same roof. No other gay environment offers such a wide variety of gay men in the same place, all interacting and playing sexual politics with one other. On any given night you can always see different types of men hooking up with one another. Chubs & Twinkies, Bears & Smoothies, Gym Bunnies & Trans, the list goes on. Despite all of these obvious differences, they all have one thing in common. All of these couples would be white. In fact, you will see more different 'types' of men hook up together at the baths, than an interracially mixed couple. GWM (Gay White Men) don't call this racism. Rather they call it a preference. They say physical and sexual attraction is not racial or racist. Not being able to work with, be friends, with or have anything to do with another visible minority is racist. Not wanting visible minorities sexually isn't racist. It is a preference. Gay men aren't attracted to women; so does that make all gay men sexist? Of course not. So that is how GWM rationalize this preference. This white preference that all gay men have stems from all of the media images we are bombarded with on a daily basis. The media, grocery store checkout magazines and the billboards along the highways have all screamed the same subliminal message. WHITE IS BEAUTIFUL. GWM have been conditioned since childbirth to be exclusively attracted to and only associate with there own race. It has become a subliminal preference. Take this analogy: All gay men accept being gay and attracted only to men. It is not a choice, as we were all born that way. Gay men can't control being attracted to men, GWM can't control being attracted to their own race. GWM were born that way. So it is a preference. 
Even on a social level, many GWM will only talk to or associate amongst each other at the baths. For instance, I wrote about this Russian/German guy I see
frequently at the baths in Making The Connection. Being closeted, he is desperate to connect with other gay men, even in a non-sexual way. I have seen him strike up conversations with every single WHITE guy at the baths. Young & Old, Fat & Thin, Blond &
Brunette, the list goes on. He has talked to everyone, except me, and the other visible minorities at the baths. I have NEVER seen him strike up a conversation with anyone of a different color. We have never exchanged one word, yet we've seen each other at the baths every week for years. We have even been in the whirlpool together, and he never speaks to me. But yet when a white guy enters the pool, even if it is someone he has never seen before, he immediately starts a conversation with that person. There has even
been a few times where he ignores me right to my face. I'm talking to a white acquaintance, and he'll come up and start a conversation with that white
person, and not even acknowledge my presence or even to say hello to me. Then he'll leave saying goodbye to that white person, and I'm completely invisible to him. And let me assure you, he is not the only white person who has treated me that way, like I'm invisible. It has happened many times by many other white guys at the baths. So shyness is not an excuse.That is the subtle racism I'm talking about. The Russian probably doesn't even think he is doing anything wrong. This is not out and out racism, where he is asking colored people to go to the back of the bus. Many Gay White Men have never interacted, or grew up with any people of color. Visible minorities were never around. So, in the back of many minds, (very subliminally), all visible minorities are invisible. The only men GWM sees are GWM. Period. With about 99.9% of the gay population (the GWM) finding me undesirable and invisible and truly worthless, where does that leave me as a visible minority? Not much. These days when I go to the baths, I go to observe and be a voyeur. You may be asking yourself why don't I hook up with a nice young GAM (Gay Asian Male) Well, because visible minorities can be just as racist as their white counterparts. Not against a different race, rather with their own race. I cannot speak for other visible minorities, but I can speak about how GAM can be just as racist against there own race. Just as I had said about GWM having a subliminal preference, many GAM have the same preference for white guys only. The Asian upbringing is an oppressed one, consisting of only going to school and studying at night. In adulthood, many Asians have major self-esteem issues and lack the basic social skills and maturity. In short, many GAM are constantly seeking approval. The disease to please. A lot don't even identify with being a different race, having been shielded from any blatant racism growing up. They are (GAM) oblivious to any racism, thinking the world is one big happy family. 
Since GAM identify with a white culture, it is natural they want only white sex. Sometimes it is so pathetic to see GAM chase after GWM at the baths. But underneath all of this wanting of white sex is an implicit repressed inferiority. The thinking that if a GAM can align with a GWM (as if white sex is better), and then that empty vacuum of self-esteem can be filled. Wanting to please a GWM, so a GAM can receive approval and acceptance they desperately crave. And the road to feeling secure is just around the corner, however fleeting that moment may be. Hooking up with a fellow Asian cannot fill the same vacuum of insecurity. Many Asians have feelings of disgust whenever interacting or even glancing at other Asians. GAM who feels that way; need to look in the mirror. Those feelings of disgust are actually feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.The worst part is that white guys KNOW and are fully aware that that Asians and other races finds them irresistible. More than likely this is why they treat Asians as a "back-up" at the baths. They can hunt for other prey and if that hunt fails to obtain anyone, they come looking for us – the Asian guy waiting in the wings, ready to give head. Unfortunately, that is the stereotype that gay Asians have. We are desperate, submissive, and subservient, willing to do whatever it takes to please. And we as Asians perpetuate that stereotype, because we appear desperate for white love. And it can backfire. Some GWM have told me that they would have considered hooking up with a GAM. But the desperation is just such a turn-off that they shun any and all GAM they may encounter at the baths. With 99.9% of the gay population rejecting an entire race, what is a GAM to do? Go for the next best thing, an older white man. GAM are so obsessed with white men, that even a 65 year old is considered a catch. Many GAM see hooking up with very older man as a way of increasing their status within Gay Asian circles. It is viewed as a social-climbing function, whereby a GAM hopes to improve himself, like some gold-digging female. When I walk down the street or even in the baths, you would not believe the amount of older white men, with very young Asian men. It is astounding. It is like they are joined at the hip. I'm sure that older GWM don't mind all of this Asian attention. Hell, the guy could be green, and if he was young and had a hot body, that is all that would matter. Again, it is the disease to please, which many GAM don't have. So a lot of older GWM take advantage of that. 
Being with a GAM that is very young, these older men are able to re-capture a bit of their youth. We (GAM) have a youthful appearance no matter what the age.
Another quality is our soft smooth skin that is a delight to touch, like a baby's bottom. And finally we have a reputation of being very passive, subservient, and submissive in bed (the desperation issue again). So everyone's happy. The GAM has a white guy (even if he is 65, white is the most important thing for a GAM). And the older GWM has a great submissive bottom to be with. It is the perfect relationship! I truly believe if any of these older men were to take a pill to turn 21, these men would lose interest in Asians almost immediately.
97% (I did a calculation) of the men who signed my Guestbook and said they truly like Asians were all over the age of 38, some even over 60! I have yet to have any white guy in his early twenties or thirties (who did not admit to being a rice queen) write me in my guestbook, and disagree with me about their turn-off of Asians. NOT ONE!It hurts me, when I see GAM align with older GWM like this. And it hurts other GAM, because we are now all viewed in the same light. As some gold-digging male who is only interested in GWM no matter what the age. Older GWM hit me on at the baths almost every week. Just because I'm Asian. As a GAM you may be reading this whole essay and saying to yourself, Get out of here! But think about it. How come you never get noticed at a bar, supermarket, or bookstore in the gay community by any white guy? Why is it that at the baths, when we Asians enter the whirlpool, sauna, or porn lounge, the white patrons immediately get up and leave. And why is it in any orgy activity scene you may encounter, if you approach any of the white guys going at it, you are pushed away. Sometimes gently, other times forcefully. And do you ever wonder why at the gym all of the white guys are friendly to one another, but never talk to us Asians. This despite the fact everyone's Gaydar is working at 100% capacity. That is because Gay Asians are invisible and undesirable to the gay white community, not intentionally but very sub-conscientiously. Being rejected by so many gay men, this can harden you and make you angry and bitter. Or you can say, we do not accept that! We do not have to be at the mercy of so many of these adolescent, GWM. We as GAM need to get out of this stereotype of desperately chasing after GWM and have more self-respect for ourselves. There are iron doors that have been in place for hundreds of years, but there are so many new kinds of doors that are flying open. By that, I mean we need to open up our minds to other cultures and races. Why settle for White. What is wrong with a fellow Asian, or a Black or Hispanic guy. If we just restrict ourselves to GWM, we as GAM will continue to perpetuate a stereotype and our self-esteem will take a beating. But that is easier said than done. GAM who loves Asians/Blacks/Latinos or vice-versa is even rarer. In fact, as I have mentioned earlier, all of those races are chasing after the same thing - a white guy. 
My hope for this essay and others I've written (see links below) is to hopefully change some people's minds. I'm not for one second suggesting that white guys should be with Asians, just because it is politically correct. Nor am I saying that Asians shouldn't date older white men. . If you are a GAM that is truly attracted to an older man, I say more power to you. What I am saying in the simplest terms is that Asians are seen as undesirable in the gay community, particularly by GWM. PERIOD. And with the gay population as 90% white, we as Asians don't stand a chance of breaking into that circle. The sooner, we as gay Asians accept that, the happier we will be. But how can we as Asians be happy knowing that we are undesirable and invisible in the gay community? It is not easy. First we have to accept ourselves as a good person, no matter how many white guys reject us. By being rejected so many times, our self-esteem takes a beating, and you wonder what's wrong with you. I'm here to say, nothing is wrong with you. You are a great person and you are wonderful. So don't feel depressed or bad about yourself, just because the latest white boy has rejected you. It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong. The only problem is that you are not white. Being with a white guy is not everything. Have friends, hobbies, focus on your career and try to get sex when you can. In terms of a relationship here is my mantra. If it is meant to be it will come to me. Have a good and full life without a relationship. Just be patient and Mr. Right (regardless of age or race) will come when you least expect. And remember that there is nothing wrong with you, even though you have been rejected for the 1,00000 time, by any guy of any race. Hopefully, after reading this essay, a few minds will change. That is all I wanted to do. I myself plan on being comfortable alone and wait for a guy, regardless of race. It is really my hope that other GAM read this and looks beyond the race, and fall for the person. Not the skin color.  RELATED LINKS
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