Rice Queens
Rice Queens

Awhile back, I was at the baths and it was dead. The only customers were me, a young tall white guy and this other white guy who I've seen on and off at the tubs. The latter man seemed to be mentally retarded. He had clumps of hair on his head, thick wire frame glasses and a body like a string bean. He seemed right out of 'Revenge of the Nerds'. Only difference was that he was pushing forty. The tall white guy seemed horny and needed to get off. And whom do you think he picked? That's right he picked the retarded white guy. By coincidence, we even had our rooms next to each other, lying on our beds side by side. That way, the tall guy could make his choice right then and there on the spot. So let's take a closer look. A horny white guy needing to get off has two choices in front of him (literally). And he picks a retarded white guy. Now you may be thinking, 'Well maybe he has a 'thing' for retarded people.' Two hours later I walked in on him in the sauna going at it with a white twink.

The baths have always been known for it's brutal honesty. It is truly a microcosm of the gay community, where you can see men of all ages, shapes and sizes. Just because everyone is welcomed, doesn't mean that sexual discrimination doesn't take place. I've proven my point about GWM (Gay White Men) wanting to stay completely within their race, both socially and sexually. To them visible minorities are completely worthless, and undesirable, and totally invisible. But bring up the subject of sexual racism to any GWM and they get defensive. It is not sexual 'racism', they say, but a sexual 'preference'. If we used this logic in regards to sexual racism, then we would have to say that all gay men are sexist. Since gay men aren't attracted to women.

So if 99.9% of ALL gay men are only attracted to Caucasians, what are we as visible minorities suppose to do? Start seeking out the 0.1% of gay men that are open-mined to a man of color? Alas, we come to the bathhouse for Rice Queens.

One day after getting nowhere at the baths for the umpteenth time, I lamented my frustrations to a friend of mine. After venting about the Asian experience at the baths, he suggested that I check out this 'other' bathhouse. This particular establishment has a reputation for being a haven for Asians and their admirers (who are known as 'Rice Queens') With nothing to lose, I took my friends advice and headed to the bathhouse for Rice Queens.

You would think a place where Asians are desired would be a great place for GAM (Gay Asian Men), right? Wrong! Once I got there, I couldn't wait to leave. The place was pretty cold and uninviting. And I'm not talking about the decor, but rather the clientele. The entire place was filled with GAM of every size and age. If you are into Asians, this is the place to be. You would have a wide selection to choose from. From young Asian twinks to elderly Asian men, believe me it is a buyers market over there.

This leads me to another point, the amount of competition at a bathhouse. Since I was one of fifty other GAM at this bathhouse the competition was very high. Making my chances of hooking up very low. When I'm at my regular bathhouse, I'm maybe one of five Asians, so my opportunity to score is better. Noticing the high competition, I wanted to leave. But I noticed something else, the lack of interaction among all of the Asian customers.

I've been asked a few times (via my Guestbook), why I didn't just hook up with another Asian that day? I would have. But almost every Asian was too busy chasing after all of the available Rice Queens, to pay any attention to me. So let me make this clear. I would consider any guy for sex, regardless of race. And that includes a fellow Asian and Black Men. But unfortunately, over the years, I&#39ve never been able to connect with other Asians at the baths for sex or even friendship. They all seem to have this look of disgust on their face. Like they are pissed-off. And it seems only directed to their fellow Asians. Anytime an Asian sees another Asian, subconscious feelings of disgust, rise into their bodies almost immediately. And they would never consider me, a fellow Asian desirable simply because I am not white. So how could I get the attention of an Asian, when no Asian is interested in me?

This anecdote is unrelated to the baths, but it proves my point beautifully. One day at the gym I had a lot on my mind and was a bit distracted. I was about to use one of the machines, when this GAM approached me asking if I would't mind switching with him (each of us using the machine alternately). My mind was on another planet that day, and I told him he could use the machine, and I could do something else. Then I walked away. 30 seconds did not even pass before he confronted me, angrily telling me how I insulted him. “If you do not want to share, just say so. I had asked you nicely!” He then stalked off. It was obvious that he was insecure and very irrational (a common trait among Asians). And the funny thing is he shouldn't feel that insecure. He was really well built, having already achieved his perfect body. Yet when I see him at the gym, no GWM ever talks to him, which is something I know he craves. When I told this story to other white men (gay and straight) all of them said (if they were in that Asian's situation) “Cool, I can use the machine without switching with someone else” The whole point of this story is to show how insecure GAM are and how they treat GWM better than their own race. Let us be honest, if I were white, would he have had the same reaction? I think not. He would have probably thought that it was HE who was the insulter. And unfortunately, until more GAM starts to boost their self-esteem and stop seeking approval, those feeling of hatred towards their own race will never go away.

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155 thoughts on “Rice Queens”

  1. I have a different perspective as I am of Chinese origin, mainly, but from a long established family in a small nation where there was no predominant ethnicity but the largest minority was Black or mullato (what Americans call “biracial”, in their curious politically correct euphemism). However, the Chinese community was very small and, until my generation, intermarriage was relatively rare. Seeing another Asian was tantamount to seeing a distant family member. Seeing a Black person was like seeing someone familiar.

    Gay aware from a young age, I felt a great deal of shame, typical of people from a small society, and only came into my own after I had emigrated to Europe in the 1980’s. Even though I felt very unattractive as a teen, with hindsight and photos, I guess that I was exceptionally attractive in my youth (6ft, broad shouldered, sensual but masculine looking) and sometimes sported a goatee or beard. It was true that I didn’t always attract those whom I liked in a sexual setting but I’m sure everyone has that experience.

    Maybe Europeans are more socially evolved that people from the former colonies (and, yes, I include the USA as a former colony) where there is an immigrant’s yearning to “fit into the mainstream”. European don’t want to “fit into society” but want to stand out from the crowd and today’s Europeans regard the persistence of a blatant caste system in Latin America and the just beneath the surface discrimination in North America with a mix of curiosity, incomprehension and discomfort at the obsolescent attitude.

    Getting back to the issue of what I find attractive, I don’t avoid Asians as sexual partners, nor Blacks but, when I meet one or them, they seem like distant family and the idea of sex with them is tainted with a whiff of “incest”. I know it’s illogical but that’s how I feel.

    I have had sexual adventures with Chinese (in China), Thai, Japanese and Philipinos but there wasn’t much passion on my side, even if I was attracted to the personality. However, most of my adventures with Europeans also didn’t have much passion either. At the risk of being pilloried, I have found that the Japanese have the smallest penises I have ever encountered (although I haven’t been to Korea) and, unfortunately, I “grew up” with French-sized cocks.

    Now that I am older and less sex obsessed, I take my time before having sex. I have come to observe that I am turned on by muscular or sinewy and slim hairy men. Of course, there are lots of “hairy butch queens” who seem to want to date people who look like their brothers or clones of some ersatz hyper-macho stereotype, but I come across men who almost felt embarassed by their hairiness.

    So, I wouldn’t complain that I’ve faced a lot of drawbacks from my race; in fact, my long-term relationships have obviously been with people who have been particularly independent-minded and sure of themselves and their decisions. Had I been a stereotypically gorgeous White hunk, I probably would have contracted AIDS in my youth and flitted from one superficial relationship to the next. Instead, I have had only one very long-term relationship and fewer than 5 serious “affairs”, all of whom remain lifelong friends of one sort or another.

    Now that I am older, I am much more concerned about my elderly parents, the well-being of my family, finances, profession i.e. what a normally-integrated person should be focusing on.

  2. It’s really hard to sympathize with someone bemoaning men not being interested in Asians when he’s a complete ageist douchebag and somehow thinks anyone who would be attracted to an older person has “low self esteem” (and no, I am not over 60, just 36). All this post is REALLY about is that you want people to like YOU and you’re finding all sorts of social and psychological reasons to justify it. It could be, just possibly, that it’s because you’re an absolutely unpleasant narcissist.

  3. Hi! I am a GWM, 48 years old, also rather young looking, but do not fit the stereotype sought by the most gay men. My experience in bath houses is not unlike yours. I feel pretty well invisible and mainly go home without having made any satisfactory contact. It seems to me that gay men are just not very nice to each other, that there is an obsession with youth, beauty and masculinity, and I also feel like I am searching the .1% pool with little chance of success! As it happens, I really love Asians, but here in Munich they are few and far between. You need to visit the Deutsche Eiche, where you will find many connoisseurs and hardly any competition from other GAM. One of my friends also feels very upset by what he sees as sexual racism against Asians, an this in spite of the fact that he has always been very successful with men of every color. I am undecided on whether racism is at play, or just a particular preference, which in my case tends definitely towards the Oriental. Who knows why am just not into the swarthy Southern European type, but it is simply the case. To me Asians are extremely aesthetically pleasing, often very elegant, well mannered, considerate, polite and mostly very clean. This foible has been with me as long as I can remember! By the way, your dimples are lovely! All the best of luck!on

  4. I’m an married Asian male and did not experience m2m activities until later on in life. I found that I was so popular at bath the only time I went. Yet I can’t seem to establish a LTR – which I prefer for safety and discretion – with any one met online or in groups of bi married men. What’s the story? Is that people have a per-conceived of Asian men?

    1. I am a GWM. Your blog about being Asian is very informative. I find men attractive and alluring. I know and have been with men of all races and ages. I acknowledge that the physical appearance of an individual may be what will initially attract my attention, but it is person that I become interested in. I explore a physical sharing with an individual after I make a connection based on a favorable dialogue and attitude. This can be done anywhere, even in a bathhouse, although the framework of behavior and manner within a bathhouse is not conducive to this process. Thus, I am not against bathhouses, I just expect a different experience that what has been described in your blog. I am 58 years old and continue to experience men of all ages and races approaching me. This is due to my body language, attitude and willingness to engage and listen to the other person. Your observations about self esteem and pride in oneself are most insightful and this is not reserved for any one race of age group.

  5. Fascinating (and provoking) read. I concur about the Rice Queen feeling the sense of empowerment when Asian men are throwing themselves at them, thereby devaluing other Asian men, including myself, out there in this “buyer’s market”, like you said. Unlike my “competition”, I do not chase every other white guy but when I do approach one I feel like I am such a bother to them because I’m sure this poor boy just fended off the 17th grabby Asian that night. Furthermore, then I become resentful of the other Asians, and now we have this game of frustration where nobody wins… except white guys.

  6. I like your well-written blog and the accurate details you provide. As a quasi bisexual Asian guy myself, i understand your perspective, totally. I always find myself going back to a popular gay bath house in Seattle. I think you may find better chances here due to perhaps the higher Asian cultural relevance here.

    I also have a theory to the whole rice queen thing:

    The world is dominated by western marketing. And by that i mean all the fashion and trends of big names (eg. A&F) are portrayed with attractive white models. So, it is logical for me to say that for people who grow up in that kind of culture it is almost inevitable that the people will be attracted to those types. It is essentially brain washing, more or less. And yes, i must admit, i am utterly and hopelessly disproportionately attracted to good looking white boys as well as girls (of course not all of them as i do have my own preferences to certain features and attributes and character).

    So the more people watch and read and see everything around us portrayed thru attractive white men and women, it is perfectly conceivable to think that this is what we will be attracted to.

    Thanks for reading – Edward

  7. Interesting article. As someone of Chinese descent, it’s sad to see that there still is a lot of racism out there towards East and Southeast Asians.

    Still, if you think we have it bad, it’s probably a lot worse for South Asian gay men (e.g. Indian, Pakistani) who are even less visible in the gay male community.

    (Editor’s Note: I believe South Asian gay men are much more desired from gay men due to their Caucasian features.)

    1. I guess it depends on where you’re located. I live in Toronto, Ontario in Canada, and gay male South Asians seem almost invisible in the LGBT community, despite the fact that South Asians make up the largest non-Caucasian ethnic group in the city.

      My best friend (who is of Indian descent himself) says it might be because of conservative South Asian cultural values, where there is a strong emphasis on obligation and duty to family (not totally unlike what we have in East Asian cultures), as well as social standing among peers. From what he’s described to me, the Indian community at large in Toronto is quite tight-knit to the point where almost everybody knows about everybody else. As a result, people often try to avoid doing anything that would be perceived as negative, as the consequences would not only sully their reputation but that of their family’s as well.

      My friend also said arranged marriages is still unofficially and informally practiced among Indian communities in western countries. And like in East Asian cultures (at least in Chinese culture), being LGBT is still seen as taboo.

      Given all that, I’m not surprised that I don’t see a lot of gay South Asian men who are completely “out” in public.

      Racial stereotypes presented in the media don’t make it any easier for South Asian guys either. Whereas East/Southeast Asian men are perceived by the rest of the gay male community as small, slim, hairless effeminate bottom queens with small penises, South Asians overall don’t even seem to appear to have the luxury of a sexual stereotype in either the LGBT community or the straight world.

      Most North American movies and TV shows rarely feature South Asian characters, and when they do, they’re usually presented as foreigners who speak with thick accents, practice Hinduism, and/or adhere to old world values incompatible with Western ones.

      I’m talking about characters like Apu from “The Simpsons” and Raj from the sitcom “The Big Bang Theory”, or even the Indian character in the two “Short Circuit” movies from the 1980s.

      The only well-known exception to this I can think of offhand is Kumar from the “Harold & Kumar” movies (I don’t count Naveen Andrews from “Lost” because he was playing an Iraqi rather than an Indian).

      There was a recent online article I read called “No Rice, No Curry” which deals with the racism towards East/Southeast Asians and South Asians in the gay male community:

      http://gaynewsnetwork.com.au/feature/ft-national/7601-no-rice-no-curry.html

      Even though the author (a Caucasian man) is talking about the Australian scene, his article still struck a chord with me.

      (Editor’s Note: From what I have witnesses in a gay bathhouse situation is that South Asian gay men get more action than Asian gay men due to their Caucasian features. That is my only point)

      1. Awesome site and very well put together.

        I noticed the typical Asian crowd is more for ‘anyone’ and no longer focused on older white men as I saw 5-10 years ago. I have an Asian b/f and even he and his friends confirmed this.

        As for me, and most importantly, my location (S FL), its hard for me to meet Asians. I’m not old (38), and I’m in shape.

        I do travel quite often, and the tables change radically in some other cities – especially Toronto and Chicago! I’m hit on by many of them, as many as 17 at one night in a bathhouse in Toronto (yes, I counted)!

        I tried the online apps … And someone mentioned on here GrindR – oh boy … Don’t even ask. Down here in FL I do see asians on there. But any attempt to say hello was greeted with an instant BLOCK or even a snotty remark about my age or looks without even a comment first!

        Yet, I see all those white guys on GrindR making remarks like “too many asians and not enough block buttons” … WTF? Yet I hit on them and they block me? I’m white…

        …maybe thats my location, luck does improve in other cities I mentioned above on GrindR too.

        My point is that the hate and pickiness is NOT always directed towards Asians. It’s hit or miss.

  8. I read this: “I want to run up to that GAM, grab him by the shoulders, start shaking him and say, ‘Get some self-esteem!'”

    Then you end the article with, “I think I’m going to be single and dateless the rest of my life.”

    It seems like you’re contradicting yourself! May I be so bold as to suggest that these esteem issues you raise may be blinding you to the few Rice Queens who aren’t pedophiles, don’t try to butcher every API language there is, and don’t claim to be able to “tell Asian races apart.” Or the few Potato Queens who aren’t looking for a sugar daddy. Or the Stickies that don’t hate whites.

    As a GWM, I truly apologize for the predicament we’ve put QPOC into. I suspect a lot of it has to do with our own self-esteem issues; only we have white privilege to hide them in and rationalize our ignorance. I can’t change it single-handedly, but awareness is the first step.

  9. When I was 21, I met my now husband. He’s GAM, I’m GWM. Neither of us settled. I’m not a rice queen either, that’s such a racist label. You rail against those who reject GAM, and attack those who don’t. Your standards are double my friend. I’m not saying there isn’t discrimination, but it’s not as universal as you might think.

  10. Hi, I really like your blog – I’ve never found anything like it online. So you’ve probably heard everything I’m about to say but I just couldn’t leave without saying something.

    I think the whole ‘GAM going for gross old white guy’ is a generational thing. You being an older guy (and I just mean in your 30’s, don’t be mad lol) I feel like you might’ve been part of the last generation of GAM to be in that sort of position where you look around and it seems like all the ethnic guys only want white cock. I’m 20 and most GAM my age don’t act like this; we’re all respecting ourselves more than the previous generation thank god. You hit it on the mark when you mention ‘the disease to please’ – I’ve never heard anyone put it better. But it’s become less and less heard of, unless you’re from a small town or something. Well I mean it happens still, but most GAM just don’t act like this anymore. I’m really curious to know where you live exactly, because I know geographic location affects the statistics. The more urban and modern the location, the less of this nasty stereotype you’ll find. It’s also probably because you frequent the bath house. I find there’s a certain type of gay guy that goes regularly, and to be honest it’s not a type of guy that guys my age respect (again, no offense, I know that not every guy that frequents the baths is a nasty troll).

    Have you heard of Grindr? Come on, you can’t have not. I really suggest you try your luck there, my friends find some good connections (and by connections I mean dick) on there. One of my roommates/ex-bf is a a hardcore rice queen (about 96% of the guys he likes are Asian) and he finds all his guy on there. I guess you would consider him rare, he’s pretty good looking, a bottom, likes more south-east Asian guys like Filipino as opposed to Korean/east Asian types, he’s completely gay, and goes gaga over muscly Asians. From what I’ve read and seen from that little dimpled thumbnail, he’d wet himself if you approached him.

    If you don’t get any luck on Grindr with your pretty face, you should probably just move to Toronto. Maybe ethnic guys just get it better here in Canada lol.

  11. A few comments (after I say a well-put together site)…

    1). Young Asians who like OLD WHITE MEN are confined exclusively to the Bathhouse scene. Try going on on-line dating sites or mobile apps (especially GrindR and Jack’D) and you SHOULD see what I mean.

    2). Not all Asians are exclusively bottoms only.

    3). The “rejections” you describe may vary city to city, and – MOST importantly, apply to ALL “Gay” people (old or young, and Asian or not).

    Try traveling a bit more, and go online / use a mobile app, and go to a bar (instead of a Bathhouse) and you SHOULD “see” what I mean (those places are more “normal” … Where old men get rejected more than the young ones, not the “other” way around) 😉

  12. I am a GWM, now in my early 50’s. I am in good shape and NOT FAT, BALDING or GRAYHAIRED! (and told I am still good looking by many). I was never a “bathhouse type person” — I just never really got into it. I admit I did enjoy reading many of the passages and comments you made about it in your blog. Bravo to you for your honesty – your expression of frustrations and feelings as an Asian male — and also on your openness to your attractions.

    As for me, I am a proud part of that 0.01 percent you spoke of! I prefer and always have preferred Asian men to other races including my own. I will admit that over the years, I was never exclusively Asian in my dating choices — as “who you are” is often more important to me than “what you are.” Even the most handsome Thai or Chinese or Hawaiian guy can be an asshole — so my thought is why date an asshole just because he’s Asian?

    One consistent factor through it all has been what I knew – and that was what I liked. Ok, I guess that makes me a “rice queen” – but Asian men ARE my preference. Is it their ’exotic’ looks? The fact they are non-white? Is it because they are from a different culture or background other than mine — even if they are 3rd generation American!

    I can’t answer that, as all I know is what I prefer — like — and love the fact I have that attraction!

    What I do hate to see is the mindset that many GWM have — the “Oh, he’s Asian so he must be bottom.” I happily discovered some of the best and most creative top men I’ve ever had in bed, in dating or in relationships were Asian! Many GWM forget that most Asian cultures are highly male oriented and driven, and I was very fortunate to be involved with a number of men that were more manly in their thought process, bodies and actions than their muscle bound GWM tattooed so-called counterparts. I was fortunate meeting and getting to know a number of true Asian men and appreciated what we had when we were together.

    Conversely, I also wonder why some Asian men believe they need to fall into the trap of thinking “they need to be bottom to catch a white guy.” Why do you think that will “catch us?” If you are bottom or top, JUST BE YOURSELF! That’s how people really catch each other! People who are meant to be together really do find each other! Just remember that some of us GWM (even if its only 0.01%), no matter how masculine we try present ourselves to be – can also love an aggressive (even dominant) Asian male! So if you are a GAM that prefers GWM and prefers to be on top, JUST DO IT! Be yourself! Be the lover you were meant to be, want to be and should be! That is YOUR choice! If they don’t like that – they don’t deserve you in the first place!

    Don’t change who or what you are for anyone (or to “catch” anyone). It is OK to MUTUALLY ADAPT and GROW with each other. (note: I said MUTUALLY!)

    In closing, please allow me make the following statements without judgment. They are my personal opinion based from experience and not on any “stereotypes.” The hottest Asian top men I’ve been with were Japanese and Viet! I am not sure why these two nationalities clicked for me over all the others — but in bed? WOW! I love a hot and horny Japanese man who knows what he wants, goes for it and perhaps adds a touch of kinky — and wants more! Then there are the ever handsome Vietnamese men who certainly let you know who is in charge and give it their all in the sack! Many a time I was totally left begging for more!

    I am absolutely certain there are Chinese, Filipino, the ever beautiful Thai and Khmer men, Malay, Korean, Laotian, etc., who are also aggressive and very top in bed, but I did say all this was from “my personal experience and my opinions.” Please don’t take offense if your nationality background or country was left out!! It’s also not about cock size as I have been with some Asian guys who were TOTALLY hung – much larger than the so-called “hung” white dudes. Admittedly, some were smaller, but when it was, “there was magic in that thing” and it was attached to a beautiful person who had it where size really matters – their heart!

    And on that note — thanks for the blog and letting me post to it and voicing my opinions!

  13. I am a young white gay guy. I would suck an Asian male again. I loved taking it all in. I loved it when he fucked my mouth. He was kinda small so I did not gag. We 69ed and I loved the way he pumped all the way to where his balls covered my nose. I travel a lot.

  14. White guy in New York City. Independent, educated and completely interested in Asian men. I am. Looking for a serious relationship with Asian gay 30’s to 50″s. I am 47. Physically fit, 5 8, blue eyes and a top.

  15. Wow … Awesome site and very well put together.

    Many of the comments on here are true, but pretty much LIMITED to the rather strange and counter-intuitive nature of bathhouses and the etiquette there.

    I am a white man and always liked Asian and Latin men. However, I noticed a very interesting DIFFERENCE between their (Asians) preferences in the bathhouse versus other places like bars, clubs, on-line dating and such.

    On the “online” (and bar scenes), if you have a “twenty-something” Asian guy, 95% of the time, he ONLY goes with someone HIS AGE … Trust me, many times I was turned down because I am late-30’s / 40 by Asians from the 18-30 y/o age group.

    Most Asians I meet and who are nice / interested in me are around my age, and going “with” a “twenty-something” GAM is rare for me – VERY rare.

    Now, with that said, get into the local bathhouse here, the “outside” rules I described above can be tossed out the window.

    Time after time, seeing the infamous “18 to 30” y/o Asian age group at the bathhouse … 99% of the time, he is off on someone over 60 y/o!

    One rather un-nerving experience was coming across a very good looking, and young Asian man in the steamroom there a couple weeks ago. He was (to my suprise) interested in me, and I proceded to him and it seemed like things were going good, and I (and he) was happy (sucking me and such).

    Then there HE was, a person pushing 70. Overweight, sick looking, bald, much smaller than “mine”, and stinking with the smell of a cigar / pipe. It was like waiting for a parking spot, the old dude simply was NOT going anywhere.

    Sure enough, the young Asian guy reaches over my left shoulder and grabs the old dudes dick, proceding to suck him and such. I was now a “voyeur” and quickly was grossed out by this, but continued to rub the Asian man’s back.

    Then the words came I did NOT wanna hear. “Take a break, it’s too hot in here”. So we did, and the Asian took a shower and walked around.

    The ugly (old) man’s room was across from mine, and the aformentioned Asian man walked past my door first (with me stroking) and did not even smile like he did before.

    Then, he walks past. I shut my door and follow him. When he gets to the old man’s room, he instantly turns in and both tell me to leave them alone and slam the door in my face.

    After about 2 hours, I see the Asian man again, and can no longer get a smile, let alone a hello out of him.

    My major mistake was simply not getting assertive and telling the old man “Excuse me, leave us alone!” in the first place … But in retrospect, it probably would not have made a difference.

    The young Asian man simply found the 70 y/o an “8 out of 10” (on HIS scale), and I was a “6” at best.

    This seems like an isolated incident, but trust me, it’s NOT. I have had this happen to me many, MANY times in the bathhouse scene. It’s very difficult, and actually caused me to cut down on going there altogether.

    Yet, once I am outside the bathhouse, I see the more “makes sense” nature of young Asians dating / picking up people around THEIR AGE.

    OK, so what’s the conclusion?

    Sure … You mention “rice queens” and Asians dating people two (or even three) times their age … But did you see this pattern OUTSIDE of the baths?

    Maybe you should stop going there, unless you like very old men.

  16. I’m 66. Used to have a hot body but no longer. I enjoy the bath house but I’m not too fortunate many times. I was astonished at your article about rice queens. This point of view has never occured to me. I enjoyed and enjoy playing with Asians. I have a standard. It has always been the same. My partner has to be a man, have a penis, act reasonably masculine, and at least pretend to be interested in my penis. I always try to make the sex as good as possible for the other man and expect the same from him. BTW, I have never been ageist. Even when I was young and hot and had to beat the men off with a stick, I realized that everyone – even the old and not beautiful – were men just like me inside the body. The attractiveness depended on being nice and being interested in me. I am not so sure that your observations are completely correct. The asian men with whom I have played (more than a few) were hot, proud men. They didn’t need me for that.

  17. I have been reading some of your essays, and particularly the ones about oral and “rice queens”.

    Number 1 – NOT all “rice queens” are over 60. I was one since my 30’s, and anyone calling me such is no offense.

    Number 2 – I see you state that “ALL GAM” suck dick without limits and such. I don’t think so. I have run into MANY GAM that do NOT blow. Watch your accuracy, or – if you DO see that – Let me know what club you are visiting!

    Number 3 – Enough is enough with the GAM under 30 and GWM over 60 BS. It’s true (in some cases) and a HORRIBLE stereotype. Seeing it for myself often makes me puke.

    Number 4 – And finally, I think “low self-esteem” is not limited to Gay Asians. I think 99% of Gay people, regardless of race, have low self-esteem.

  18. I best relate my experience to you that all will see just two men. My first time was with a 40 year old Korean man. It was spring and he was the window contractor for our condo. I was 18 living at home and one afternoon while parents were still at work he came by to inspect our windows. That whole spring and summer before college I was his bottom and he was my top. It was the best of times and he shook my world.

  19. Now I agree with you on most everything you said about the Rice Queens. But I really think you should have added in your break down of the “Rice Queen” category to have (however small) a group of people who are genuinely attracted to Asian men. Not because we think of then as an object. I sure as hell don’t think like that. I also happen to find Gachimuchi men extremely attractive. Gachimuchi is Japanese for like muscular with some fat over top of it to make it less cut and a little softer. I LIKE Asian men that can pin me down and take control. I also like Asian men that I can pin down and take control. I LOVE to date Asian men as well. Asian cultures just raise better people in my book. Often they are much more respectful and are a hell of a lot less likely to cheat and yes that could be because they have me for a bf. I am guessing I’m like .01% of that .01%. There are men like me who like Asian men because they look better than white guys. I don’t have low self-esteem. I am very fit with a very defined swimmers build and I’m tall and have a pretty nice sized cock. I am not compensating for anything by dating Asian men. So just wanted to tell you that we are out there. ^^ o Please forgives my horrible spelling. o and when I first talk to an Asian man I generally speak in what ever language I think they know ( I am pretty good at telling Asian races apart) I speak Japanese Chinese Korean and Vietnamese so yeah I do it to make you guys swoon a bit ^^

  20. I’ve just read your Rice Queens entry. Well done! I like the truth you speak.

    I’ve grown up with the feeling of wanting to be white, and then wanting to be with white gay guys.

    While I disagree that wearing designer clothes is white. I do agree that Asians can have too much self-hate and a white fetish.

    However, I have more self-esteem now and I am not going to belittle myself and grab anyone I want for sex – and it is just for sex.

    I still have this white fetish, though; it’s not completely gone. That’s porn’s influence I tell ya. However, in my offline life, I do swoon over Asian guys, and I get weak at the knees, too. I’m proud that I have come this far, when so many other Asians haven’t. I don’t discriminate against other races, but I actually find my Asian race hot, at times.

    Final words: I’m finally learning that white guys are human, and that if their personality sucks and they aren’t very hot, they become invisible to me.

  21. I am one Caucasian male, who does not identify that way, and who has always admired Asian males. I am a bit past the bathhouse scene, and also in a committed relationship with an African-American man. When I was active I often had sex with men of other ethnicities, including a number of very attractive Asian males. Good luck in your life, and be happy with the nice person that you are.

  22. Great site and all that … Man, I feel your angst and also can relate to a lot of stories on here.

    First of all, I found that 90% of the time, I am not attracted to Asians – of any age, let-alone young ones (35 and under) in the Miami / S FL area. And YES, the older while men, usually NEXT TO ME are the ones that “GET” the attention – So frustrating.

    My attitude changed from “me thinking it was me” to the fact that I am a “victim of location” after taking up several IT jobs out of state, in Chicago, LA, N California (San Francisco), NY, and even Toronto, Canada to name a few.

    These places have a large Asian population. Expecting the same “let downs” at first, just going to any place there I was awarded with young, cute, and attitude-less Asians that were so “into me” within minutes.

    In Chicago, I met a Filipino twink there, 29 y/o, within 2 weeks of working there, someone I was looking for 3 years in FL. I still keep in touch with this twink.

    I am not sure what’s going on, but returning to FL was rather disappointing for me after being “spoiled” by this. Toronto, by far, landed more Asian men in my lap than any other place. It must be the low self-esteem of the ones in FL?

    In fact, I had more “nice conversations” / attraction from an Asian (Vietnamese) friend-friend’s of his from California, opposed to his buddies from FL, who had “something against” me.

    By the way, I am 185, 5’7″, medium build, average Italian, nothing too scary.

  23. First, I want to thank you for blogging your perspectives and bringing the various aspects of gay sex, bathhouse encounters, race and attraction in the open. Good points of debate.

    That said, as a gay Asian (Chinese) who was not born in Toronto but grew up and lived there, I do find, on balance, that some of the tone comes across as a bit harsh.

    Yes, there is racism and indoctrinated racial preferences (e.g., the notorious A&F Frat Boy or Greek god ideals).

    But the two points you miss are social change over time and individual preferences for variety (which also can change over time).

    There could also be a locational issue as well (Canada is different than the US, US cities vary — Dallas is nothing like even Chicago in the gay scene) — though because you wouldn’t say where, it is hard to determine whether it is something peculiar with your locale.

    Growing up in Toronto, I have certainly seen it change from a conservative provincial WASP-dominated backwater into a most open and cosmopolitan global city.

    Tolerance and acceptance for gays in general have changed drastically, even in the last 10 years, to the point that gay Church Street is choked with straight guys and girls on weekend evenings lining up at Crews and what not.

    I agree that the gay community lags a bit in racial acceptance and taste to the mainstream (as others noted, you would think this would not be since wouldn’t discriminated minorities feel more affinity to tolerance to others — but it doesn’t work that way since they have to work out their insecurities and they have to feel that other “minorities” are legitimate — look at Prop 8 voting in California).

    But even that changes over time — over the past few years in Toronto, you see a lot more Asian-White gay couples and Asian-Asian couples, and far fewer with the stereotypical old rice queen / young Asian or losers seeking other losers type of quality that you imply.

    That said, now that I am temporarily working in Boston (and have lived in the Rockies a few years ago), I do feel a much greater racial gap in the US than you would in Toronto — I would say that these 2 US cities are about 10 years or so behind Toronto when it comes to gay sexual / relationship perspectives and maturity. Perhaps even San Franciso and LA though I can’t be sure since I just had numerous visits but haven’t actually lived there.

    As for my own sexual preferences, frankly I like variety, differences and go for the exotic. These days, I find hairy short-haired hyper-masculine white bear cubs to be most attractive. As with tall thick black boys with short hair (sorry, haven’t quite gotten into the corn beads yet). But I like variety and I can boast that I’ve done all types and races — from big butch hairy white daddies to young white guys looking to get off or still trying to get over the guilt of gay sex, to big black guys, to Filipinos and latinos, to guys from Hong Kong, Vietnamese-origin to Arabs and Indians (both North American aboriginals and from the East).

    So my tastes are diverse and like something exotic. I am less attracted to other Asians mainly because, being Asian, I find them less exotic (though it still work on a case-by-case basis).

    But in any case, I never think about these in a power / self-esteem perspective — perhaps because I am seeking fun, connectedness, and have strong self-esteem.

  24. Dear nameless…when i saw your list of cities, i was glad you included Pittsburgh–where I live. I’m a gwm and i fantasize about having a gam top bf. you sound thoughtful, and i like that. we’ll probably never meet, but i love your site. Peace.

  25. My partner and I were in Montreal last week. We saw many interracial couples (Asian and Caucasian). You are dead on. Almost all Asians were young, decent looking if not beautiful while their partners were much older (20 years difference or more), heavier and some down right grungy. My (Caucasian) partner said maybe it is the respect thing that Asians like much older men. My thinking is only some. Some Asians prefer the white men pay; others may think that’s all they can attract… A friend of mine long ago said something that really opened my eyes and mind “I’ll do anyone that is hot looking regardless”. Jokingly, I told my partner that is something for him to look forward to when he gets old. Hahaha…

  26. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts. They are honest, candid, interesting and thought provoking at the same time. Took me quite awhile to finish reading the whole lot but it was worth every minute of it. Thanks again, really appreciate it.

  27. Wow! I had no idea of all this…I am a black male and all of the guys I talk to about Asians is “DAMN THEY ARE HOT” I wish and have been looking for a Asian guy to date and I have met a few who seem to like my company. I wish all you guys the best of luck and I am never going to pass one of you guys up!!

  28. I’m always saddened to hear about the discrimination that GAM’s experience. I mean it’s bad enough that they are brought up in very homophobic cultures (I can count on one hand the number of asian guys that are out), but then they have to put up with racial discrimination from the gay community.

    I am a 25 year old “rice queen” (I really grimace at that term though as the image it conjures in my mind isn’t complementary), still it applies as I am mainly attracted to Asian guys. I find it very difficult to connect with them offline as I’m a bit different.

    Now, wait a sec! I’m not “different” in the sense that i’m unattractive (i’m actually pretty cute), or overweight (i’m 155 lbs, 5’9″), but I am different because I am a sub white bottom looking for a dom asian top. Because I’m pretty shy, I find it difficult to strike up a conversation offline, and asian guys never approach me. I end up leaving bath-houses and clubs really depressed as I wonder why no asian guy will pick me up. My asian friends tell me that’s because they feel too intimidated.

    In relationships there are even bigger hassles. Because asian guys are rarely out and live at home for so long, I have to accept things that are very difficult. For example, I have to accept that I’ll always be a deep, dark secret to them (c’est la vie, I can’t expect him to cause disharmony in his family over me). Then I have to accept that unless he’s 40 years old he can never spend the night with me (well until we’ve been together for 5 years or something ridiculous like that). Also, as I don’t have post-secondary education, or alot of money- no designer stuff for me, no iPhone either, I feel I constantly have to protect myself from the slur of white trash.

    Sometimes I wish I was attracted more to my own race. Life would be so simple for me then… I could get picked up so easy, and I could eventually make a connection and within a year of that be bf’s living together. Nice, neat, simple.

  29. Hi there. Been reading your blog and found it interesting. Pretty sad that you cannot find guys who like Asians. Personally, I am 40yo GWM and I live in Asia. I have a very strong relationship with a 32yo Asian guy who is probably the best partner/lover I have had. And he is not a skinny little Asian boy.

    For me, I find all races have attractive men. Having said that, I am happy being in Asia and looking at the thousands of Asian guys that pass me by every day.

  30. Love your Blog! I frequent an awesome bath house in Mainz, Germany. I want to share an experience with you I had there. I was in a public room, watching porn, and waiting for a contact. This totally beautiful Asian guy came in. He had hair almost to his waist and the face of an angel. After a few minutes of mutual caressing and probing, he indicated he would return shortly. (He spoke little English or German.) He did return a few minutes later, and took my hand and led me to a private cubicle, where two other guys were “hard-at-work”. He PLACED me into the scene, showing what to do and who to do it with. I was warmly welcomed! He continued to bring other guys every few minutes, also PLACING them into the play he was creating. At the peak, there were six of us, fucking, sucking, rimming, etc. He never joined in, but frequently redirected one of us into another act. He was mothering us, making sure that no one was being neglected! He seemed to sense when one of us was growing tired from holding a position. He was both the Archangel of Orgy, and a great director of porn. Fucking amazing man!

  31. I am glad I came across your site. I am a rice queen who is in a long term relationship with a non Asian. I meet Asians now and then for fun.. they are VERY hard to connect with and often wondered what was wrong… now I understand it better.. thanks… and yes many Asian men are just like me wanting to have FUN.. just wish that it can become a regular with at least one of them!

  32. I read your story with much dismay. I am a GAM born and bred in NYC. I have noticed the discrimination you speak of but only one facet of it. I am almost only attracted to other Asian guys. Always have been and probably always will be. Whether it be LTR, casual relations, or ONS, its been 98% other GAMs. I honestly don’t think it’s a fetish or anything, just that I feel more comfortable and familiar with guys of my own race (its also an attraction thing.) Back to the discrimination, because of my preference, I actually don’t pay much mind whether or not GWM, GBM, or anyone else is really paying attention to me because I’m probably not paying attention to them. I have witnessed though, the discrimination of Asians for other Asians. It really breaks my heart. You are right about the whole self worth thing. It tears me up that some of us don’t see how beautiful and valuable we are to each other. So I really relate to this point you made in your blog entry. Being that I am one of the “rarest” forms of GAM, it really limits my pool tremendously. Just thought I would share my thoughts.

  33. Hey man

    Thank you for your comments. Here in Taiwan it’s true that no matter your age, what you look like smell likes or sounds like – if your white then you will never be without a GAM.

    As a white guy attracted to all types it is quite scary to be hounded by GAM here. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE Asian men – I just get freaked out by GAM chasing so desperately. Thanks for your insights and candor it was both informative and refreshing.

    May you continue to explore and be happy!

  34. Hi There!!

    I love your website…I just wanted to share you my personal thoughts. I guess you could say I’m a bathhouse addict. I can totally relate to some of the things that you are saying.

    I too, am a Gay Asian 30 something male..pretty good shape and maybe not a pretty boy, but can hold my own.

    I like the freedom of being with like minded men in an atmosphere where everyone is on the same page. I like all kinds of dudes…I just love sex..

    On a personal note, not only do I enjoy being in a sexually charged atmosphere, but am a bit of an exhibitionist…I like being naked but even more so, I like being watched while I’m having sex. Also, I like guys looking at me while I’m at the bathhouse…I walk around in my jock with my towel around my neck…(I like wearing my red leather jock) BUT if I’m feeling a bit more “slutty”…I just wear my cock ring!!

    Anyway, keep up the good work with the website.

  35. I’m quite surprised to see your comments about GAMs having low self-esteem and solely desiring white guys. With some of us, opposites attract. I have always been more attracted to non-white men. A dark or tanned skin is more appealing to me and more sexually potent than a pasty white or red skin. Still, I understand your point and must confess I am an older Caucasian male, so I can in no way refute your argument. Stand tall – I wish you the best. I enjoy your blog.

  36. I found your site by accident but when I started reading I couldn’t take my eyes off the stories. I had no idea that this was the case maybe its cause I’m one of the few white boys that actually like to date GAM my age. I’ve dated all the races but I love my partner more than anything. I’m still just blown away that Asians consider themselves the bottom of the totem pole. I would much rather date an Asian than a white guy. Most white guys are asses that I can barely talk to my husband and I spend hours talking to each other. Once again I’m having a difficult time believing this but if your poll is accurate then I am astonished

  37. Great stories! As an Asian guy living in Boston, I could relate to most of the stories that you have posted up. There use to be a bathhouse in Boston a few years ago. Too bad the Government shut it down. Does anyone in here know anything out there in Boston that kindly share with the rest of us? Thanks!

  38. I LOVE your site! The tales are wonderful and insightful. I’m a white man who has had the best, most dynamic sex of my life with Asian men–my only problem is, there aren’t enough of them in the NYC area! 🙂

    I’d like to get to know you better (as a person, not as a sex object–though if you wanted to go that way, pardon me for not resisting). I’ve attached my email here, and hope that you’d use it. I’d like to know more about your life. And if you know of a good bathhouse in the NYC area where Asians congregate, that would be cool too. 😉

  39. Your story struck such a cord because of its total, relentless honesty. Because it is honest, it shows clearly your vestige of that “no self esteem” era when you so bitterly talk about rejection by white guys.

    If you now had the self-esteem, you would have not been bothered that much. Sadly, I understand even with this you are an already very rare self-aware Asian compared to the vast majority of PATHETIC Gay Asian Males. As I wrote you before, in my 20s, I was a truly, honestly very handsome, masculine Asian guy. I came to the States alone, and was in the prime of my libido. I too was attracted to whites in the beginning, but I want to now put it on official record (for myself) that after just one to two pretentious decline, I never, ever, ever salivate over white guys. In fact, for over a decade now, blond guys with blue eyes sincerely, honestly turn me off, and therefore I find no reason to complain about them. I love Hispanics/muslins with brown skin and jet black hair and have dated a few, and the reason I did not end with a relationship has nothing to do with our looks. By the way, I quite agree with the white guy (anonymous message between an Asian Tim), though a little bitchy, and especially when he was criticizing those drag queen Asians. In fact I have the same question: how come so many Asians are bottoms? How come they don’t see the obvious physical decay in old rice queens who don’t even respect them? How come they do not work on their own physique, demeanor so they achieve the same things they are content only to admire in others?

    Lastly but most importantly, just like what the black guy says in your comment page, how come those Asians let their pathetic desperation laid so bare, so open which makes everyone (including other Asians) really really disgusted with them?? You offered Asian cultural/social upbringing that lack this coping mechanism, well another surprise: I am an immigrant, and you see, I am a top, am masculine, I am nowadays rarely, rarely attracted to light skinned Caucasians. And the reason I have not found most Asians attractive has nothing to do with race, but all the things I just mentioned.

  40. I’m a white male. My first homosexual experience was with an Asian man mainly because he came across as more caring than anyone else I chatted with on a gay personals site. I would have met him again if we could have found a place closer to where I live as I am not out. I am mid-30’s as was he. We lay down together for a good 45 minutes and he sucked me to completion and swallowed me, I sucked him and finished him with my hand. I’m do not have an Asian fetish, but have no problem being with an Asian man. I love smooth skin and would have no problem hooking up with an Asian in a bathhouse. If you live in Atlanta, let me know and I will meet you at a bathhouse and get a room with you or any other kind, attractive, Asian man who really wants to enjoy 1 on 1 time.

  41. You are so correct in saying about the Asians who are potato queens..I always say to them look at the mirror. Like you if a person is nice he is nice regardless of what he is just a genuine person and one that can relate otherwise might as well used the right or left. Thanks for the truth and take care..I am a fellow Asian who likes other Asians but never get the chance to know them..bye and take care.

  42. I can’t agree the ideas that you have in regards to GAM’s “low self-esteem”. I believe the thoughts that you are holding is basing on your shallow experience and yourself who has very low self-esteem. I don’t have suggestion for you but wish you to study more about what the relationship between older/younger GM are. To find out the real deal is 100 times better than projecting something that you don’t have knowledge about.

  43. I just would like to let you know that there are a few guys out there who like Asians but don’t necessarily see them as submissive bottoms. I am a 24 y/o rice queen, bottom, and typically go for older Asian guys. And there are times when if I am in Vancouver, for instance, in Numbers where a bunch of younger Asians and older white guys go, I don’t stand a chance, as the Asians will go straight to the older daddies and not even give me the time of day. I am extremely shy and it is at times tough for me to go up and talk to people, so that may be part of the equation, but still…just know that there are some of us out there that can appreciate your individuality despite the fact that we can not help but get off on your black hair/brown eyes, etc. Look me up on fridae.com

  44. I am a BWM (bi white male) and I, for one, find masculine, muscular, well-hung, uncut (or cut, for that matter) Asian studs to be VERY attractive. While it would seem to be (statistically) true that many Asian penile endowment is less-than (or at least no more than) the typical Caucasian, I’ve been with some Asians that have had rather impressive endowments, and definitely know how to use ’em! In bed, I tend to be versatile to versatile-bottom. And yet I like Asians. And there’s no paradox here (in my judgment). I would love to find a (relatively) tall, buff Asian man, 18-50, who’s well-hung and preferably uncut. And I would like him to be at least versatile, but preferably a versatile-top or even 99% top. I just happen to like Asians (and Hispanics and blacks, btw), but I don’t think I “fetishism” them. I do prefer smooth, as opposed to hairy chests, and I do love my man (men) to have thick, dense, jet-black armpit and pubic bushes, and I love to bottom for such a man, Asian or other.

    But I do have a slight preference for Asians. Blacks & Hispanics are great, as can be fellow-Caucasians. Indeed, I was with a blonde adonic, green-eyed stud-queer for over 4 years, several years ago. He is 5 years my junior and we are now, for the most part out of touch. But when I say ADONIC, I mean it: his looks are VERY similar to and reminiscent of both Ryan Philippe and Hayden Christiansen–yep, no kiddin’. So, sure, I can and do find Caucasians very attractive.

    But my ultimate dream-stud is the Asian-stud I abundantly described above. I also, of course, as a bi guy, can and do find Asian and black women very attractive, but (and I suppose this makes me 55% or 60% gay, if one wants to parse it out that way) I ultimately prefer masculine, manly, studly Asian men. But they are somewhat (perhaps even a bit more than somewhat) hard to come-by. And, btw, I’m very masculine (though not hyper-butch, which to me is pseudo-masculine), but a bit androgynous: 6’3′, 210 lbs, brown/brown. And, guys, puhleeeze, don’t rant that I’m a size-queen or rice-queen: for all those tempted to–fuck-off!

  45. You wrote: “Since I was one of the fifty other GAM at this bathhouse the competition was very high to snag a Rice Queen…. Noticing the high competition, I wanted to leave.”

    My issue is, if you were at a place “filled with GAM of every size and age”, what were you doing looking for Rice Queens when there were so many MANY available Asians for you? Why do you see fellow GAM as competition rather as prey? Do you have a preference for GWM? preference or racism then?

    I just feel that in that story you wrote, all the qualities such as low self-esteem, being desperate to pander to GWM, a repressed inferiority complex. And I find it ironic that you proclaim to be disgusted by all the said attributes of a typical GAM that you possess.

    You also said “I don’t like the feeling of being someone’s fetish”. But then, from what I’ve gathered, you are attracted to GWM right? And to borrow your line, the only reason you are attracted to GWM is because they are White right?

    When a guy comes up to me and says “Ni Hao Ma?”, I would at least be flattered that the person took some effort to learn how to speak Mandarin. It shows a certain respect for my culture at least. Yet, Whites who are attracted to you because of ethnicity turn you off.

    To summarize, you want someone to like you for who you are and not because you are Asian. You want equal treatment as other GWM. At the same time, you prefer GWM to GAM. Your preference for GWM is not solely preference, not sexual racism nor neither is it a fetish that you have for GWM. In other words, you are subconsciously discriminating against yourself. Which is what bothers you about all the young nubile GAM that you see with all the Prime Timers. Did I get you right?

  46. Hi, just browsing through your page. I have some different experiences than you however.

    I don’t think that younger Asians have so many problems as you describe with finding pickups. I am a GWM myself, going out with my GAM partner for 6.5 years now. But there is no shortage of young GAM who either are sticky rice, or like both. I don’t blame them, as a lot of the GMW going after Asians are pretty disgusting (especially in HK as my partner tells me). But from what I see, they don’t have problems picking anyone up.

    Went to XS a couple times with my partner this year. We had a lot of fun but we decided to take a break from it for a while. :).

  47. I find the stories and articles interesting. Being new to the gay scene and out for only 2 years, I’m learning this entire new lingo’s (rice queen, potato queen etc…) But I do noticed that being out at the clubs and bars around that older white guys are checking me out, it kind of weird me out. So I can’t believe that people will stoop to that level just be with someone white. Believe me I also get hit on allot by the hottest white guys, Latin and black guys around here and hooked up with them (guys in their 20’s) This is what I do hear allot when I’m with someone ” I never thought I would be so attracted to an Asian guy or I never found an Asian guy attracted till I met you or I never thought I would ever date an Asian guy, I can go on and on. I just think its society and the way that all races are stereotyped everyone is so brain wash, not all white guys, Latin and black are good looking and hung, I’ve seen my share. So I’m pretty sure there are allot of Asians guys out there like me that is extremely good looking and don’t have a small penis like myself, so I think that society just haven’t been introduce to right Asians that are out there.

  48. I am a GAM and appreciate reading your experience. However, I wish you would stop generalizing with words like “like a lot of GAM (Gay Asian Men) in North America who have no self-esteem” because it’s simply turns me off.

    I enjoy reading about your experiences, but NOT your generalizations. You are presenting narratives here, but NOT a scientific report. I do believe your stories are important to the GAM community. Please don’t make sweeping generalizations because it adds nothing to our GAM movement and frankly I (a fellow GAM who is well aware of racism the gay community) am offended.

    Why? Partly because I don’t think it’s true and partly because your frame of reference is based on a racist society (rather than thinking from outside the box).

  49. Read your story on Rice Queens, I consider myself a rice queen, but I have to say, that contrary to other rice queens, which might give you the impression that they just want to satisfy a Fetish, I go deeper. Let me explain!! I’ve been surrounded all my life with different cultures and people, traveling the world, and got the chance to see what I like and don’t like!!!!

    Before, when I went out with girls I tried Caucasian girls my age and older but there was something missing, then I hooked up with an ASIAN girl and there it was what was missing, the love of that culture!!!

    Since I’ve been there, I had 2 other girlfriends, and now I change to guys, now GAY, I tried also GWM, but the same problem occurs, don’t like it! SO I stay with GAM, hang around with them, 90% of my gay and straight friends are Asian from all parts of Asia, and I tend to get along more with Asians that have not live and been born in Canada, I have more fun with the ones that come from Asia, because they have more to tell, more culture, etc…

    So Yes Rice Queen can be a fetish, but I can also be a normal way of life! Plus I’m not hairy, I hate hair, it’s a bonus with Asians no hair, most of the times, some are hairy really hairy, and the cock, well the myth is so wrong!!!!!

  50. Though I’m not Asian, I can sort of sympathize with much of what you say. When I was 19, I went to China for a study-abroad program, but ended up staying there for three years. While in China, I met the man I love (who happens to be Chinese).

    However, while I was in China, I had my first encounter (not *that* kind of encounter, mind you) with a “Rice Queen.” He was a Canadian guy in his 50s who told me that he had come to China with the intention of finding an Asian boyfriend of about the same age as myself. I didn’t really know what to say about it at the time, but it honestly gave me a funny feeling.

    I later encountered very similar phenomena when I returned to the States. En route to my new home in the Hoosier State, I stopped in San Francisco and met up with a friend who lives there. He offered to take me to a bar called NTouch, which was frequented by a lot of Asians. Since I was still “decompressing” (one of the first stages of culture shock) from three years spent in China, I thought it’d be cool to possibly meet some Mandarin-speaking homos and hang out with them (or more). I didn’t meet any such people or get laid, but I did stick around to watch the drag and go-go boy shows. After the drag show, one of the drag queens pulled a random guy from the audience up on the stage and started asking him questions. One of those questions concerned whether he was a top or a bottom. When he announced that he was a top, the guy sitting next to me said that had he claimed to be a bottom, he would have had guys all over him.

    Why was that? Why was an Asian guy more attractive if he was a bottom? Looking around the bar, I saw a number of older white guys, and therein lied the answer. It seemed that these white men had fallen into the same trap as their heterosexual counterparts, viewing Asians as passive, submissive, and virginal sex objects rather than individuals who yearn for love and intimacy just like anyone else.

    This is getting way too long, but I’ll end it like this: I do acknowledge that a lot of Asian guys have certain physical qualities that I find attractive. They are often youthful in appearance, have smooth skin, and at least in the case of non-Muslim guys in China, almost always uncut (I like my willies served with skin). Not only that, but if you honestly care about someone of a different skin color, then all power to you. I, for one, love my boyfriend very much, and our respective Irish and Han Chinese ethnicity play no part in our relationship. However, when one forms a stereotyped image of an entire race in his or her mind, especially one that ultimately stems from colonialism, which leads him or her to either reject or “admire” that race, then there’s a problem much deeper than mere preference.

  51. Found your site about a year ago and have read all your stories, really enjoyed them just wish there were more. Don’t do the bath house thing myself just not my scene but really get were your coming from. I’m in a long term relationship with an Asian guy and I get quite a lot of slagging i.e. called a rice queen and the like it really pisses me off as I’m in love with him for who he is and the color of his skin and stuff well that’s just a bonus..anyway love your site more stories pleeeeease,,

  52. You pose an interesting point of view, but I wonder if you are racist yourself. I say this because you lump all white people as one.

  53. I am always dismayed by the total obsession by Asian guys with white men most of whom are trophy hunters when they are looking outside their race for sex. I am a BGM who has dated Asians, Latinos, Blacks, & Whites. While I can say that I have no real preference most people are apt to feel comfortable with members of their own race and I accept that, but Asian men are usually into whites or Asians and nobody else. As a man who has had some intense relationships with Asian men I can tell you that most say to me I would have never considered a black man. As a good friend of mine in SF said of our bathhouse meeting if I had known black men was so sexy I would have tried along time ago! Since I moved east I find that Asian men in the South do not pay Blacks or Latinos any attention. Keep up the good work on your exposes and try something different.

  54. Enjoying your Bathhouse reports. I’m a GWM 62 living in Japan for 25 of the last 35 years, also chubby. Get the idea from your guestbook being old, chubby, or ugly are sins, but I can’t help it. I get horny, too. I also think I’m not a rice queen. I like cock of any color. Most of my partners are Japanese, seeing where I live, but I do sometimes meet others. Some are potato queens, some chub chasers. Some non-Asians. Some just don’t give a damn. Some young some older. I was maybe 25 when I met my first Japanese partner, and he was older than me.

    But it seems that a lot of the Japanese here are Japanese only. Many bathhouses are J. only in fact. Not the ones I go to of course, but even there many Japanese will have nothing to do with anyone but another Japanese.

    Anyway, I’ve found a fairly friendly bathhouse here and even made a friend or two there. I go about once a week.

  55. Hey, interesting reading and at times I winced at some of your analysis and conclusions. I am a gay Asian man and my preference switched from exclusively from whites to mostly Asians. So I can identify with some of what your stories tell. I wonder why you don’t write about Asians’ preferences for other Asians as a starting point for self-love and not use white guys as a baseline or ideal? I always wonder how one (regardless of what race) looks at himself sexually if he does not find guys from his own race attractive?

  56. Your stories are really depressing and unfair to both GAM and GWM. I don’t have much American experience but in Europe, people are not like this. In one of the most popular European gay chat room, among over 100K German gay, I can only find 10 who say no Asian in their profile. On the other hand, there are a lot people who say they like Asian; some even exclusively seek Asian (that actually put me off because I hate being somebody’s fetish). Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Asian is still a rarity in Europe, let alone gay scene.

    Very often I am the only GAM in gay places where I visit. That makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s true that I don’t always get talked to when I go to gay scene but my friends and my own experience told me it’s not because I’m generally considered undesirable (sure I am not everyone’s cup of tea) but rather because my foreignness is uncertainty to them “Should I speak English?”…I certainly don’t agree with your one-size-fit-all stereotype description of GAM and GWM who like GAM. I’m a GAM but not fem, I only suck good looking people, I prefer young well-built, etc, etc. The only thing that my profile fit your description is I prefer GWM. However it is because I am surrounded by mostly GWM and I haven’t met one single GAM who I find attractive. I have much more chance to meet a nice good looking GWM than an average looking GAM; does that make me potato queen?

  57. OK….. I’m a GWM who finds GAM’s very attractive. It’s not because of anything other than their beautiful eyes, smooth skin, dark hair and interesting cultures. I have had fantastic sex with Asian men –

    So….if I peruse Asian men, what does that make me? A rice queen? Am I a racist? Am I falling for an imagined stereotype? I don’t think so.

    I wish I could find a beautiful Asian man……

  58. First of all, I would like to say that you are doing a great job. I enjoy reading the articles especial the one on Rice Queen. I agree with you 100% about your analysis on Asians men and why they date only White men. I am an Asian guy grew up in New Zealand and now living in Canada. My observations on GAM and their behaviors are identical with what you have concluded. It seems an universal trend, a lot of GAM would date someone much older than their age, preferably White.

    Personally I don’t date White guys, mainly because of the lack of culture they have or being insensitive to one’s culture. If I want to learn White/Western culture, all I need to do is to turn on the TV or step outside my front door. It’s everywhere you see and it bores me. It’s depressing not to learn anything culturally from someone I date or meet. I have dated mostly men of color, and now happily involved with a Black bf. From my past experience, I found most men of color appreciate me for who I am and they really know the shit you are going thru everyday as a minority person. The bottom line is that, we as GAM should unite and fight against sexual racism and racial prejudices. We need to broaden our knowledge and be open-minded when it comes to dating or meeting new people. There are whole lot of shades of colors out there, not just White.

  59. You seem a bit negative about interracial relationships. I have a Chinese partner. He is my age and we have lived together for about 6 years. He isn’t the subordinate or inferior one. I have found that I do like a certain type of Asian man. I would probably describe this as positive reinforcement as I have had good experiences with some Asian men. You never seem to mention sticky rice. This is Sydney slang for Asian men who like Asians. This is a common thing in Sydney and lots of my mainly Chinese friends have a preference for other Asians. Not all Asians in Sydney are looking for potato. I hope you have a job and I have enjoyed browsing your stories.

  60. It’s interesting to me because I think about that a lot. I think there is much truth to what you are saying. I’m 21 and white. I like Asians, and am not a rice queen. I’m not picky as far as race goes… but i went out with a Vietnamese guy a few weeks ago. He was cute and despite my best intentions, i couldn’t get over feeling like one of the Old white Vietnam veterans who take an Asian wife back to the states. Why does this make me feel bad? I am very aware of the stereotypes. I have Asian friends that are very much like you describe them in their preference for white guys.

    But what can you do? Genuinely… it’s hard to fault someone for a preference when it IS likened to, “he (black/Asian guy) might as well be a girl”… Well, you can’t force someone to like something they don’t?

    Good article, I’m not sure where I’m going with this… but let me just be the first white guy in his 20’s to like Asians, even if I’m not a rice queen.

    I just found you… I’ll probably keep reading…

  61. 100% Asian top here from Vancouver, B.C. I read your article and found it to be true and accurate… However, I, as an Asian male is totally “color blind” I am truly attracted to all races. I am attracted to certain body type and he can be of any race but you are very correct in your observation, most of the guys I found attractive usually only go for white guys.

  62. Hi, Thanks for sharing some of your sauna experiences – just read the piece on rice queens and so much rings true and I agree with most of what you write.

    However, one point does stick a little – you suggest that 95% of gay white men have no attraction for Asians and the remaining 5% are composed of those too old/ugly to get anyone else and those with some unhealthy “fetish” for Asian culture.

    I can’t help but feel you are being a little harsh on those GWMs who do have an interest (or fetish) in Asian culture. Is someone who says “Na Ho Ma”? (which I don’t know the meaning of) really doing such a bad thing? Do they expect you to swoon or this an assumption you have made? In the often unfriendly world of gay saunas I am always pleased when someone is brave enough to make an effort of some kind; a human connection, which is a far more positive spin to put on the same situation.

    I don’t think that men in that situation are only attracted to your culture – there are many ugly/attitudey Asians who I would not go near – its down to an individuals looks and personality not just the culture. In fact I am very attracted to young looking, smooth men, whether Asian or not. Just so happens there are many Asians in this category – a steretype yes I know.

    Although I kind of agree with what you say about ugly/old GWMs with young cute GAMS (yes – they should be with a cute 27yo like me 🙂 but this is not just an issue of self esteem. I think many Asian guys are cynical enough to know the economics of that situation – they can play hustler too. Also, what will become of me if I am 40 years past my prime and single? – will I suddenly be bad for still seeking my soul mate or at least stave off loneliness.

    Anyway, my main point was that you seem to damn people if they do and damn them if they don’t. I belive there is a “middle ground” of GWMs whom have good intentions and feelings towards Asian folk.

  63. Hey. I TOTALLY agree with you about Asians only wanting white men, and how young white men don’t really take an interest in Asian guys. I myself am a 21 year old Asian guy, and not only do I love white guys, but I LOVE Hispanic and black guys as well…but the race the really turns me on? Surprisingly, Asians! I can’t get enough of some hot Asian gay porn, and a hot Asian boy…PS Know any good bath houses in Chicago?

  64. Very provocative thoughts, thanks. I’m an “older” guy with a younger Chinese partner, and we do have a great relationship. As for the discrimination you write about, well who isn’t discriminated against? You think “white” males are exempt from discrimination in the gay community, or the community at large? What if the white male is old? Fat? Disabled? Poor? Uneducated? Unfashionable? Unsophisticated?Discrimination and prejudice affect us all. I think we have to stand together as gays (and as humans) and recognize the everyone has value. Anyone who can’t appreciate the beauty (on all levels) of another gay man, regardless of his background, is cutting himself off from a much richer life. Thanks again for stimulating a much needed discussion. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

  65. What’s up man? I just wanted to give you all the support I can for everything that you write. As a gay Filipino man in NYC, I notice the racism in the gay community almost daily.

    Everything you write is something that I’ve thought about at least once in my life before. At least now I know that I wasn’t the only one.

    There’s a reason why 20-something GWM don’t talk/date/hookup with 20-something GAM. There’s a reason why I get more play if people think I’m Latino than when people think I’m Asian.

    GWM who are unwilling to understand their privilege are like all White people who are unable to understand their privilege. Race is a powerful thing. Your webpage is one step to help people to recognize that.

  66. Hi I’m Asian. I traveled lots all over the world and have had cute guys of all nationalities hit on me. I find you generalizations a bit way too much through your own experience. You should really chill out a little.

  67. I have liked all races since I was very young. I have been fooling around with guys since I was 9 years old. I am nearly 40 now (28 January 2004) and had my first Asian experience when I was in my late teens with a 16yo Chinese boy who was bi-curious, but decided to stay straight.

    I also got my first taste of a Filipino man when I was 21, and have enjoyed our rare contacts ever since – he is still one of my best friends to this day. He is also rare since he is uncircumcised, which is not common among Filipino men.

    As far as any teasing that he gets, it is because of his accent – it sounds very Canadian, eh? I call him the Pacific Islander who talks like a New York Islander (hockey player).

    He also gets “FEZ” from “That 70’s Show” since there are numerous similarities in my life to that show. He is the “foreigner” in my crowd although born with dual US/Filipino citizenship, I used to own a pair of ’69 Vista Cruisers, and his middle name is FEliZidad!!

    I still like all races. My preference for young guys only applies to white guys with me – I like non-white guys of most ages – most white guys my age are ugly “goatee clones”. I refuse to participate in a style that actually makes men more ugly. These ugly bushy goatee/mustache combos that many gay white men are wearing now reminds me of f**king a bear in the woods and is a total turn-off!

    I guess I’m your first under-40 white guy who isn’t prejudiced against Asian guys and is not strictly a “rice queen”??

  68. Your take makes me very sad. I always loved all minorities, and regretted I got to meet so few Asians. They are cute, sweet and very sexy. According to you, we’re damned rice queens if we do and damned racists if we don’t. I’m old now, but wish I was young again and knew that place that has so many frustrated Asian guys!

  69. Hey I really enjoyed your site. Though, I both agree and disagree with some ideas, I find it thoughtful and very worthwhile. I also, wanted to mention, that I, a pretty cute blonde boy, in a dumb surfer kind of way, am interested in and have dated blacks, Latinos, Asians and other white boys. I truly don’t have a type, as there are so many attractive and bright guys in the world. I know I’m in the minority here, but wanted to let you know that there are some of us out there, who see beyond race. Hopefully, someday more will be. Thanks for making a great site. If you’re ever in my town, NYC, say hi. Peace Michael.

  70. Hello, I somehow stumbled on your website, and I find the subject about race to be really interesting, yet somewhat concerning for me. I’m a young Asian male. I feel that things are going well with my life, but there is one part that I have trouble in…that would be my sex life. I’m still a virgin for several reasons…mainly because of school but also because I don’t feel attractive to men. I’m decent looking…I think. But, I feel that I’m comparing myself to what the gay men’s society has categorized the perfect ideal gay male. I’m not tall (5’7), I’m not heavy (135 pounds), and I don’t have Caucasian physical features. And that’s the thing here…the gay male society has only two clichés: the ideal white gay male and the “others.” So many categories within the gay community are put in this “other” category, including ethnic minorities. Therefore, I am not accepted into my own gay community. After being disowned by your family, your friends, and in general the whole of catholic America, you still can’t fit in with the people who are the closest like you.

    I just graduated college in California, doing very well in my major and my class. But, I’m not a full-out nerd or geek. I run, bike, mountain climb, play ultimate Frisbee, and enjoy hanging out with friends. I qualified for the Junior Olympics in Track and Field and because of my training, I have a very decent-looking body (with eight packs for my abs)…I’m still small in stature though. I’m not trying to brag about this, but I feel that in some way, I should be attractive to someone. However, I seem to get the cold shoulder by many gay men, both white and Asian.

    Well…after that long-winded intro of myself and my grief’s, I want to ask for advice. I received a scholarship to study in London (downtown London) for a PhD. I want to start fresh on my life when I move there; start fresh and create a group of gay friends and lovers where no racial barriers exist. It will be hard when I’m studying a lot, but I know I can do it.

    Therefore, I wish to ask you one thing. Your blog breaks down the racial conflicts between Asian and white gay men. This is good in one way, but has somewhat depressed me. As a gay Asian male, how should I direct my life then trying to meet other gay men? Is there any way to break down these barriers and live happy in our own community? How do you deal with white gay men who don’t give the time of day for Asian gay men? Is it even worthwhile to try to break down the Asian male stereotype?

    I guess my main thing is if you can give me any advice for a gay Asian virgin man, trying to start a new life in a new place where I’m bound to meet nice gay people, but will be faced with racial discrimination. Anything would be nice. I would like to start on the right foot.

    Thanks for your time. I love your site. It’s so great to see that there are others out there who are going through what I’m going through. But, more importantly, it’s great to read your analysis and race in the gay community. It’s very thoughtful and well-put. Thanks in advance, Bentley

  71. Hello there, I am in the process of reading your very interesting and well-written bathhouse diaries. I am a GWM who has always liked GAM’s and I am not …older… I do agree with most of what you say about self-esteem and being attracted to GWM to “fill” that void caused by the lack of self-esteem. However in all of that there actually is GAM who like older GWM just like your acquaintance was very attracted to chubs! However in general I would agree that there is a fascination by Asians for the white world. However that seems to extend to many different things Western (i.e. clothes, cars, brand names) in general. And most of those brands are from the white world. However I would say that Asians in their home countries tend to be attracted to Asians. An example is my recent visit to Taiwan. I was in Taipei for 6 weeks and most guys prefer Asians with some not making a distinction and a few being totally attracted to white guys. So there is a connection there. But it may not be all about self-esteem it may have to do with a combination of things… one of those being …when in Rome have sex with the Romans… who knows…what I know is that although I don’t go to the bath house I do know that if I did I would be looking for the Asian guy or guy’s only. :)) Thank-you for your very good web site. Best regards Kevin.

  72. I sincerely believe that the author suffers from a severe case of inferiority complex. He talks about other Asian men who happen to like older, or chubby WHITE men. Just because YOU do not like them, it is not your right to criticize others. Maybe the other Asian men happen to LIKE chubby or older men. I am both older (46) and chubby. I happen to know MANY Asian men who just like chubby or older men. Or bears. They don’t need to be white. I have known them to go with other Asian men, Hispanic men, black man, etc. As long as they fit their “profile”. And PLEASE, don’t give me this misguided, low self esteem, bullshit. Give other Asian men more credit. I certainly do. THEY know what they are doing. YOU might now, but they do. I know MANY Asians who will not let people walk over them. They are not the weak people you seem to see. I see younger white and other minority men going to “Rice Bars” to seek out Asian men. There are more Asian men going to other bars than just Rice bars. I have been involved in the gay Asian community since I was 25. At the time I might have been a rare breed (younger white liking Asian men), but I see more and more young men interested in Asian men. So get over it. Please don’t let your insecurity blind you to what is happening in the world. I am sorry you have bad experiences, but I see Asian men as more confident. This comes from 23 years of being involved in the GAY ASIAN COMMUNITY.

  73. As you can tell from my email address I’m interested in meeting Asian top men; however, most of the personal ads posted by Asians seem to indicate that they are “bottoms.” Love to hear of your observations regarding this matter.

  74. Your article concerning the obsession that GAMs have with GWMs was very good. I am a GBM who has long considered GAMs attractive. I lived in Japan for 4 years and my first boyfriend was Japanese (we parted because I returned to the States). Upon my return to the States, I quickly realized that Asian-American men are completely focused on white men and exclude all others including their own race. Ironically, GWMs do not find GAMs attractive at all. I am still stunned by the racists remarks that white men make when I tell them my first boyfriend was Japanese. Looks of sheer horror always appear on their faces. My partner for the last 5 years has been a GWM. Prior to us meeting I dated other blacks, Asians and Latinos. I hope that GAMs wake up and smell the coffee and take advantage of the multicultural dating opportunities that America provides. I couldn’t imagine going after wrinkle-assed white men because no one else would have me.

  75. The stories are interesting and enriching for those who think and deal little in bathhouses. Rather sad to know some Asians aren’t choosy when it comes to sex partners, and have to chase after some people who don’t fancy them. Talk about being insecure. Well… keep the good work up! and maybe update a little more on other areas of life other than bath houses. Kind of want to wad makes your life tick too~ hahah!

  76. I am a 38 year old who finds myself attracted only to Asian men. My complaint is that so many of the gay Asian men in my town are students who are not out. Please let us encourage these guys to get over their shyness and start living their lives openly.

  77. I am one of those guys that loves Asian guys except I don’t fit your observations regarding older GWM in to Asian. I always have, had an interest in Asians, and men of color I Just ended a 20year relationship with a great Black guy.

    I speak Thai very well and now have a friend in Thailand. I live in Reno and wish I could find some of those rejected guys, I might change their perceptions (smile) My age preference differs too, as I prefer 30s and up. Sexually I also differ as I enjoy if the Asian guy wants to dominate.

  78. I am so impressed by your experience in bathhouses. I have been to bathhouse for two times. I am actually just 20. I am also an Asian. I was like so nervous to check in for the first time I’ve been there. If you happen to live near in LA, maybe we get together sometime. Cheers!

  79. You’ve got a great site there and plenty of content. I actually enjoy reading all this:). In a way, I do agree about the Asians thing. Although some men have told me that the reason why they like Asian men is because they look much younger.

  80. Queer White Rice queens= total creepy oddballs, old or fat or ugly or all three together, fetishists on a race therefore wanting to screw a fetish and stereotype in their own mind rather than the person.Queer Asian Potato queens= self hating, internal racists that hate on their own race, weak little people that think that only white is beautiful, ultimate losers.

  81. Your essays on the bathhouses have allowed me to live vicariously through your experiences. I am not actively gay but I am slowly coming out to myself. I feel being Asian has prevented me from even coming out to the gay community. It stems from a fear of rejection from everyone – the whites that I am attracted to (i.e. not older men), fellow Asians (who may be potato queens)! Thankfully I have other important and fulfilling areas of my life – namely my family, religion, and career.

    I know it’s tough to be gay and Asian. Sometimes I think if I can’t get the partner I want, then I might as well marry a woman!! What you wrote about how many gay Asians fawn over white men is similar to the way some Asian women fawn over them too. It’s kind of pathetic but true.

  82. I’ve been lucky to date Vietnamese and Japanese guys. If you truly want a GWM, keep looking, I know I’m not the only white guy that appreciates all the beautiful Asians. I’ve dated plenty of white guys, so I guess you can’t call me a rice queen, …but it almost sounds like you would call me that because I do think Asians are hot.

    It’s frustrating not to get together with what you want. We all go through some of that. There is a really hot Chinese guy at the beach I go to, he cruises me but then is so standoffish. I don’t get it. Maybe he has felt the rejection thing like you, or maybe it’s a cultural thing of how to approach each other.

    Perhaps I should put a rice queen bumper sticker on my car.

  83. Just recently discovered your site and I really enjoyed reading your insightful articles. As a Bi man who has tried to visit many Bathhouses when traveling, I can see how many of your conclusions are true the world over. I was sorry to hear of the discrimination you suffer or feel due to your ancestry. As a White man of average looks and 45 years old….it is not a picnic out there for me either. I will definitely look forward to hooking up with Asian men who I feel are hot, and I can say I have only seen in limited numbers at the baths unless I’m on the US west coast. FYI in many baths in Europe you are given bath shoes to wear upon arriving and it is considered unsanitary not to use them. Where do you live? Thanks again.

  84. I know you might get a lot of letters about your story of Asian men and white men, I myself, adore Asian men, true I am 53, 5’11”, hairy body, 260 pounds, but I would love to settle down with a Asian man for our lives, to live together, and I would hope he is more top than bottom. But I MUST ask for your forgiveness in what a certain white man said, I adore Asian men, and would love to settle down with a ASIAN man than another man, I would love him to be more top then bottom, and to share our lives together. I realize that I am a older man, but I try to be as honest as I can, and I also know what hardship a older man can find in searching for a younger man, and since I am also heavy set, most men will not even look at me. So I do know a little of what you are talking about.

  85. I guess I am going to the expert for advice. Can you suggest any bath houses in the N.Y.C. metropolitan area where I can find Asian men. Thanks.

  86. I have been reading the stories on your site on and off for some time now.

    As a GAM who grew up in Sydney, Australia, I can relate to your experiences to an extent. Although I do not frequent baths, the same attitude towards GAM in the gay community exists in Australia as well. However, I have seen this general attitude changing, especially in the last 5 years. I think a lot has to do with GAMs increasing assertiveness and empowered in the community as a whole. In addition, the new generation of GAMs are less likely to be potato queens and DO date/have sex with each other. Desperation is THE biggest turn-off. If American GAMs stop being so desperate for white dick, then maybe things will change.

    From reading your stories, I have a strong impression that American GAMs are not attracted to each other. Why is that? Before you can cry foul about Caucasians not being attracted to Asians, you have to question why YOU and other Asians aren’t attracted to your own race.

    I now live in Hong Kong. One thing I’ve noticed about the scene here is that most GAMs are sticky rice. Many are not even attracted to Caucasians. Is that surprising? Keep up the great writing. I would love to read a story about sticky rice.

  87. I am an older white man (67 years-old) who prefers Asian men over white men yet my experience has been quite different than yours. I can’t find Asian men to have sex with. Every Asian I come across is straight or into other Asians.

  88. hey there, i think it is really interesting to read your little stories. however, i got the feeling that you are not from CA, right? when i read this sentence: “Let’s put it this way. How many buff Asian faces do you see at a ‘white party’ It is pretty apropos that they call a party like that, since only white guys are there!” i thought: man, this boy has never been to the white party in palm springs. besides, the clubs in SF are flooded with cute, toned Asians and i saw and know many Asian and white couples. in fact i used to have an Asian bf when i lived in SF for a few years and we had a lot of fun at all these parties and such. and let me tell you one think: for a Asian, who has generally less body fat than most Caucasian guys, it is usually easier to get a nicely toned body that will stand out at the party scene. but i guess you are right to assume that (still) the majority of white boys is a kind of narrow minded when it comes to dating Asians/blacks/Latinos. greetz, Roland

  89. Indeed, I was totally impressed reading your essay about GAM; it feels like as though you are writing my thoughts. However, I would like to add one more thing about GAM stupidity. “Why would another race love a GAM when the Asians themselves don’t love their kind.” The white Guys attitude towards GAM really doesn’t bother me, it’s the GAM attitudes towards their own kind. I am more disgusted with the GAM who would rather sleep with a old man than with their own kind

  90. I’ve just read all of the essays (1-34) on this site. It does paint a rather depressing picture of the situation for gay Asians in North America. I do think the future is not all bleak.

    First, let me say where I am coming from. I am a GWM living in San Francisco who primarily has sex with Asian men. I started this at 30, a couple years after coming out, and have kept this up for the last 19 years. While I don\’t go to the baths or the clubs, and rarely go to the bars, I consider myself part of the gay community here. I do engage in conversations with my Asian friends, acquaintances and sex partners about these issues. I don\’t claim to be all-knowing — and I can\’t ever know what it is like to be Asian American — I do hope to learn and to be more sensitive.

    While I think of myself as a Rice Queen, I like to think I am not a stereotypical one. First off, being Asian gets my attention, but it is ultimately an individual\’s personality that turns me on or off. While I do prefer younger, not younger than late 20\’s these days, I\’ve had sex with several Asians older than me, up to perhaps 15-20 years older; if you throw in white guys it goes up to 24 years older. I prefer guys who are at least a little overweight, as I love to cuddle. I\’m okay with hairy Asians.

    Enough about me. Now about San Francisco and gay Asians here. I\’ll still mention myself now and then as this impacts on me. We white guys really can\’t help it 🙂

    1. The Asian population in San Francisco has been increasing steadily over the years since I\’ve been here. In the 2000 census, over 30% of the population is Asian and less than 50% is white.

    2. In the under-40 age bracket, it is now much more common here to see an Asian male with a white female than a white male with an Asian female. And such couples are marrying and having children.

    3. While I\’ve known gay Asian-Asian couples here for years, they are now fairly common. I\’ve seen Asian-Asian pairings at the local sex club which I rarely go to. It is not difficult to find Asians who will have sex with Asians, or even only with Asians.

    4. Even Asians here who are only into white guys are not shy about saying what they want sexually.. I\’ve f***ed Asians and been f***ed by Asians.

    5. On the down side, I know a number of Asians who are HIV-positive, and gay Asians like other gays are subject to the drug scene.

    Still, if you want to live in an unfortunately expensive place where neither being gay nor being Asian is a big deal, and where you have support for being a gay Asian, San Francisco holds out a ray of hope.

  91. I reviewed some of your commentaries about your experiences in gay bath houses. You put a lot of emphasis on stating that gwm’s are racist against Asians. GWM’s are not only racist against Asians but very much so against most other races. You only need to look at the history of the US. It’s funny how the gay community has compared and made parallelisms of discrimination as a minority group like native Americans and blacks in fact most gwm’s hate other minority races. I’m in agreement with you by your statement that the ones that associate for sex with these groups do so because of weird fetishes or fantasies. I’ve seen all over the USA if you’re white the doors can and do open regardless of sexual orientation. If gwm’s are racist what do you think about mainstream America? You make some good points in your commentaries. I however have only been to a few bath houses. It’s just not my cup of tea. Promiscuity is no substitute for relationship. I’m too sincere of a person to view people as mere sex objects. You reap what you sow. Take care.

  92. I just started reading your website and I’m hooked. Before I read on, I have to tell you, Asian guys are not a unwanted minority. I find Asian men THE most beautiful men. When I began coming out I was not particularly looking for one race or another. I wound up meeting a guy online. We saw one another for the first time… he was Asian and gorgeous!Don’t believe for a second that GWM don’t care for GAM – nothing could be further from the truth. Thanks again for the honest look at the bath house scene. I can’t wait to read more.

  93. I think that Non Asians and some self-hating Asians seem to miss your point. One must be blind not to notice how different the Gay Asian Male experience is from all other gay ethnic experiences. There is something wrong when a majority of Asians who grow up in predominantly non-Asian communities will not date another Asian. Not only do many Asians prefer not to date another Asian–many will crinkle their noses, and proclaim their disgust with dating another Asian. You also have many Asians born and raised in predominantly Asian countries that seem to feel that getting a white boyfriend will give them higher status. Now there is definitely something wrong with that. Sure you may get some of that with other ethnic groups, but not as prevalent as within the Gay Asian community. Many Gay Asians seem to shut their minds to the possibility of dating another Asian. I am a gay Asian American, born and raised in New York. I was often the only Asian kid in the class–and boy was I made aware of that by the other kids. But I was a tough kid that got into many fights, and won over a lot of friends for sticking up for myself. But the strange thing was, I have had more than one friend tell me that I’m not like other Asians. Now what did that mean? I didn’t fully understand when I was younger, but they were of course referring to Asian Stereotypes when they said that I “wasn’t like other Asians”. So in a way they were telling me that I was not like “them” [other Asians]. It’s sort of saying that Asians are not cool, but you’re not like them, so you’re cool. And since you’re cool, you should not like them either.

    Anyway, I sort of never bought into that. I have always had an intrinsic source of strength and a great sense of self worth. I have always loved myself and felt that I was beautiful, that I was my own. This love of self allows me to love others, including other Asians like myself. I have had relationships with Caucasians, a 6-year relationship with an Asian, my longest, and my current relationship of over 1 year is with a Latino. Some were extremely good looking, and some were average. Many of my friends told me that I could do better with some of them. But I loved them as individuals, not just for their looks. I had a mental connection with all of them. My boyfriends, both past and present, are individuals to me, and I value that above all else. Sure, I love to learn about their cultures also, and if they’re good-looking, great. But what I value and want most is get to know someone spiritually.

    I love people, but I am aware of racial dynamics of dating. To many people (including Gay Asians), Asian men are the least masculine [see unknown ranting about how feminine most GAMs are] of all men, thus the least desirable. That’s a fact. How can we change this image? Change how Asians are portrayed in the media. Stop depicting Asians as geeks, freaks, and nerds, as crooks, sneaks, and spies. Here are the Asian athletes, the heroes. I know they are out there, but I don’t think the media thinks it’s appealing to the masses.

    Many people have told me that I am a really masculine beautiful man. I was a wrestler in college and still wrestle in a gay wrestling club (we’ll be competing in the Gay Games in Sydney this November). Yes, I am Asian and proud. I have had many men tell me that they have never been attracted to an Asian guy before they met me. I ask them why and they just bluntly say that Asians are not really attractive to them. And some come to me to say they have never slept with an Asian before (indicating that they would like to with me). I jokingly (but am serious about it) tell them that they will not get a chance with me because I am not someone they can try on like a pair of shoes. I love myself too much. I have had sexual experiences (any type of sex including one night stands) with less than 20 men, and I’ve been out for about 9 years. Twenty might be a lot of sexual partners for straights, but it’s almost like being a virgin for gay men. Most gay men I know have been with at least that many in a year. It’s because I love myself too much to give myself away too freely. I do not judge others for having large numbers of sexual partners, but many of them cannot seem to have long-term relationships. Even though they desperately seem to want one. Many of these guys are my friends and I feel for them. I think there is something spiritual that is lost when you give of yourself too freely. My friends joke that I am a magnet for the best men. I think it’s because I project confidence, love and spirituality. I am proud of that, because I reflect on all my experiences, weaknesses and strengths. I take the time and the courage to do that. I don’t see enough people asking themselves if there is something wrong with them first, rather than pointing the finger at another first.

    I think that many Asians try too hard to fit in. And that comes from our cultures. We are taught that to succeed you have to go with the crowd. We are taught to not rock the boat that the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. We are taught to respect authority and our elders. Adults know best and kids should be seen but not heard (No wonder I always got into trouble–I was loud and always wanted to be different). Subconsciously, these values seem to work against many Gay Asians. Those with most authority and power in the world are Caucasian, and we need to conform to their ways, and gain their approval–this seems to be what is at work here. I do not hate Caucasians or any other group at all. Nor do I hate Rice queens or potato queens. I just hate the labels, and I hate the fact the that label themselves with PQ and RQ are marginalizing themselves and don’t even know it. But then again Gay groups seem to use labels more than any other (eg Rice Queen, Potato Queen, chocolate, gym queen, Chelsea queen, circuit queen, muscle queen, twink, bottom, top, blah, blah, blah).

    I feel like I’m rambling. I sometimes can’t seem to help it because there are so many things that I see wrong. Not only within the Gay Asian community, but also within the Gay Community as a whole. We all need to reflect and find inner strength and peace. We sure are not going to get it from anywhere else if we can’t find it in ourselves first. And being a Gay Asian myself, I think we need to do this more so than any other ethnic group. Until that happens, Gay Asians will always be second-class citizens. Stop viewing other Asians as competition, as inferior to yourself (this is delusional). When you see good-looking non Asians, do you view them as competition? (I have once because I was after the same guy as this nonAsian — different story)–chances are no. So why do you feel this competitiveness with your fellow Gay Asians? Reflect I say…reflect. Peace and love to all (you can stop rolling your eyes now).

  94. Well today I have been educated. I am not a rice queen. What a relief. I am angry and often bitter with the east/west scene. I plan to leave it all behind. Since being attracted to some Asians is viewed as so offensive to some readers, I wonder? Who can I LIKE? I thought I had performed a major faux par recently when at my local LYC club I kissed a fellow “rice queen” and left the club with him. But I guess it’s okay as that means neither of us are actual rice queens are we? I have now worked out the answer to that question which offends me so much.” why do you go for Orientals?” Well I go for all types of guys but due to my low self-esteem I TARGET Asians, as they tend to be easier to pick up. I find what I just wrote deeply offensive and very much unlike me. Still I refuse to delete it. Maybe this is true maybe Asians are easy. This would explain why I see so many with older men. Older men who have been told to “get lost” by their first choices. I hope I am wrong. Sorry, Thomas

  95. I was in a bathhouse recently. I only saw 2 other Asian guys there besides myself. It was very crowded with about 90% white and 10% black. I am 42 with an average build. I went into the shower and 4 white guys were looking or staring me which didn’t bother me until one said to me: “You have such a big cock for a short Asian. Aren’t Asian guys supposed to have really small dicks? You’re bigger than 3 of us white guys.” I said: “I don’t know why we got stereotyped for dick size and you are the one with a small endowment.” He turned red and left the showers. Another white guy came into the shower area. By that time it was only him and me showering. He said: “It is interesting to see an Asian guy with a big dick.” I told him that it gets much bigger.

  96. thank you for providing this information and service..i particularly love meeting asian men when i am in a bathhouse..and i always treat them special..maybe we can meet one day even

  97. Interesting experiences, some very painful… I wouldn’t argue with your reality or experience of it. However, as a person who appreciates Asians (with many friends who do as well), and who really dislikes the label “rice queen,” I have to tell you, you may have been sold a bill of goods. Maybe because you may live in the Midwest or South, because you gained your perspectives in a place (bathhouse) that tends to attract “unusual” people (people with issues) or because of the ethnic milieu in your community, you think that no one could respect, be attracted to, nor fall in love with an Asian guy. I am happy to tell you that your experiences were skewed outside of my reality. I hope you escape the cage you call your community and free yourself by sharing love with the millions of guys who would love to be with someone like you. Postscript: Your description of yourself is precisely what I’ve looked for my entire life without any success. Finding our Mr. Right is a challenge – but one I will never give up on. I wish you well. And, if you ever want to visit LA, let me know and I will help you experience what you’ve always dreamed of (and I don’t mean ME.)

  98. Thanks for writing your stories. They are interesting and all that I have read, ring true. Your article on Racism is not true for me however. I’m a WM (divorced) who likes Asians and Chinese and I’m older. BUT even if I were to be returned to my 20’s I would not pursue WM. I like Asian Culture and consider most of the WM Gay culture to be immature. I’m a psychologist in private practice so I get to constantly experience the chaos in the American Caucasian family. I happen to admire Asian values in regard to family. WGM don’t tend to understand these values or even begin to realize their importance. Anyway I just wanted to make the point that I happen to love Asian culture and would feel attracted to Asian males no matter what my age(And to be clear I have two dear and close friends in that regard, one who is married with family to whom I am “Uncle”). Thanks for the good job you are doing. I appreciate your honesty.

  99. I must say your articles r really well written, insightful n enlightening. I do go saunas in SG but I do in other Asian countries. Most Asians in Asia (or SEA) prefer their own kind, so the GWM are mostly ignored, with the exception of the young n virile. Ever thought of doing a similar study on Asian bathhouses?

  100. I love your stories and the way you present them. Here is my little story. I am 32 y/o GWM. Though I look much younger, sometimes people give me 23-24yo, I am attracted exclusively to GAM of my age. You can say that I am “rice queen”, and I always have been attracted to Asians, since I was a kid. I’ve been in bathhouse only once (in Berkeley, 2 ys ago). There is a lot of GAM there. However I got attention only Asian men (age around 55, or so, hard to tell). He was ok, in relatively good shape. He feels that I am attracted to Asians. Since I had no lack with Asian guys of my age, he used his chance. All Asian guys of my age even didn’t look at me. I am not ugly, boyish looking, very smooth, in good shape, slender/ muscular build, str8actin, and very nice too. However no luck at all. I am not picky in terms of physical look, and I don’t judge people based on how cute they are. Right personality, and similar age (28-36 would be perfect), that’s what I am looking for in GAM. After several attempts to start conversation with Asian guys I learned quickly “no interests – no conversation”. You know that. All my attempts to make eye contact with rest of Asian population resulted nothing. Then I learned that many Asians are attracted only to Asians, you can use stereotype “sticky rice” to describe that sort of behavior. Observing other GAM’s I learned that many of them are attracted to big muscular hairy white guys. Well, there are all sorts of attractions, however it’s always hard to find mutual one. That is my lesson. You may say, well, “you have been there just once”. It’s true. However, I have much more experience in clubs and bars. The same things. I got a lot of attention of people who are much older, regarding of their race. And the last thing I forget to mention. I have an accent, since I am from East Europe. I found that it is very big turn off for many GAM, who want their “American boy”. After knowing that you don’t belong to “white American population” many GAM lost their interests even if such appeared. Whatever…. I think I just have to broaden my choices. I believe there are many nice black and Latino guys, why don’t try with them? I would appreciate your comments to my experience.

  101. Dude, I’m sorry that you’ve run into such resistance at the bathhouse due to your ethnicity. Truth be told, I am a GAM around your age. Based on your description, I’d totally be cruising you. It’s not that I have an Asian fetish, far from it. I’m attracted to lots of types. Again, sorry that you’ve met so many disappointments. But please do not give up hope. There are some of neither stereotype nor us who do not discriminate.

  102. This has been a thought provoking site for me. I don’t frequent bathhouses, but I do date gay Asian men. As a GWM, your perspectives and commentary has forced some introspection. I have dated men of varied ethnic background and cannot state a preference. I can think of positive and negative experiences with men of every race. However, I think being raised in the Los Angeles area has had a significant effect upon my choices. I grew up around Asians and Latino men who were about equally mixed with my Caucasian friends. I never really saw ethnicity as an “exotic” or “foreign” feature. In fact, the guys I was most attracted to physically tend to be of mixed ethnicity–usually quite beautiful. I have always, though, resented the gay white community’s assumptions about men who date Asians. If a white friend saw me dating an Asian guy, the word “rice-queen” immediately came up in conversation. Despite the fact that the guy I dated previously was likely white. I think the root of it all is that we are culturally biased to view relationships through the lens of the superficial–ethnicity, rather than the qualitative. If I compared the guys I have dated over the years, they all had similar qualities that I seek in a companion. Most were around my age, intelligent, slender and of medium height, professional, out or mostly out, generally American born or raised whatever their ethnic background, and guy-next-door types. Their ethnicity was largely irrelevant. If you work in academia, it would be interesting to study how our perceptions of ethnicity are conditioned by our youth, and also to what degree one person’s ethnicity will colour our perceptions of his partner. I’m starting to ramble; I appreciate your site, your compelling writing, and the questions you raise. Thanks, Russ

  103. Regarding the racism issue, I find this very amazing. My preference is for smooth, well-proportioned bodies. On my last few visits to the baths, the most attractive and interesting men I met were Asians. Not only were they a beauty to behold, but they also were intelligent, interesting conversation companions. Massaging and caressing their bodies were a great build-up to other hot activities. Although the men I met were younger than me, I look forward to meeting them again.

  104. Hi, very interesting website about bathhouses. It’s interesting to note that while over there, the white gay man despises the Asian gay, over here in Singapore, the Asian gay man actually does the same the other way around, and Asian gay men that like white men are called ‘Potato Queens’!

  105. I accidentally stumbled on your site. Great observations and commentary, although I have only skimmed through them. I have noticed your observation between GWM and GAM on a global basis especially frequenting Circuit Parties. I used to have a hang-up about wanting to be with hunky GWM. It’s taken me six years to wake up that this desire was more of an ego drive for an accessory. Asians are now beginning to come into their prime. Just look at Singapore. The boys are are simply gorgeous. The scene in Asia is changing and people are taking more pride in themselves. It’s all a matter of attitude and pride. Just be yourself.

  106. This is a very interesting article, I came across it while doing research for an “interracial” gay relationship article I’m writing for Out Magazine. I am a 25 yr. old GWM, I’ve had an Asian boyfriend since I was 18. I don’t think I fit into any of the stereotypes you mentioned, I am very attracted to Asian men but wouldn’t call myself a “rice queen” since I am also very attracted to Latinos, whites, and just men period! It is too bad people have to peg you as being only a “race” and not an individual. I am glad you are writing these articles because hopefully it will help people look beyond just the race thing. I do get weird looks when I tell my GWM friends I like Asian guys, you are right that I am a minority in the GWM community. It really pisses me off that people won’t even consider a whole race of people for a relationship, sex, or whatever

  107. Man, these articles are depressing. Or least to me they are. White men would probably look at these articles like the bible. I remember working for a college library (re:Rice Queens), and I found myself assigned to help out the map department. And the head of the department was an old white man. Well the rest of student helpers, were all Asian guys. At first it was not weird, but I then found out the head of the department was gay, and it did not take a genius to figure out what kind of guys he liked. It sickened me to think that he can use his position like that. And reading one of the articles, there must be many guys like that department head. I think that if I ever go clubbing again, I might wear a sticky rice t-shirt, as if that would stop rice queens.

  108. Hey Bathhouse Blues, thanks for the links, the articles are really fascinating and accurately describe the GAM-GWM scene, especially in the US. Thankfully, things are a lot better here in Singapore where most of the Asian guys don’t hate themselves and each other. I get more attention in one night in Singapore than I do in one year in the USA! I thought something you wrote in your essay was particularly true and poignant:

    >But I’ve never been able to connect with any of the Asian customers. Almost all of the Asian men at the baths have this obsession of pursuing a white lay. So we see each other as competition for that one white guy that may take a shine to an Asian. As mentioned in Racism at the Baths, I myself try and look for a guy my age, regardless of race. But a lot of Asians don’t share my viewpoint. They want a white guy, and nobody else will do. Some Asians will even settle for a sixty-five year old white guy. And the logic behind that is any white guy is better than no white guy! So instead of us Asians hooking up, or even being friendly with each other, we just ignore one another. And this competitive feeling amongst each other is not restricted to a bathhouse environment. I’ve felt it at the gym, bookstores, coffee houses, practically everywhere I’ve encountered other gay Asians.<

    I experienced the same thing when I was living in the US. But even in Singapore, there's a sizeable number of these Potato Queens (or as we call them here, Sarong Party Girls/Guys) who will only date/be friends with/speak to white guys. Why are people so hung up on race! It's truly pathetic. Go to places like Backstage, Taboo and Niche in Singapore and you will see cute twenty something Asian guys clinging onto fifty-something white guys and giving other Asians nasty looks. Thankfully though, the number of these guys is relatively low, unlike in the US and Australia where they abound

  109. Very good, informative, well written narrative. I think this provides a valuable service and you have been unusually objective. I haven’t been to a bathhouse in probably 7-10 years. I guess it doesn’t change. I have been in a committed relationship for four years now, with a younger Asian, and couldn’t be happier; however, I still remember the days

  110. My BF and I have been lovers for about 7 years now. He is from LA and Filipino. I am of English parentage. I guess some of what you have written is true from your experiences. All I can say is I’ve been to bed with just about every race I can think of. My BF and I often do three and four ways with all kinds of people, except he don’t like Black folks very much, for sex that is. Nothing wrong with that as we all have our likes and dislikes. We never treat anyone with disrespect. Anyway, he is still the best looking and hung guy I have ever known. – Ricci

  111. I enjoy bathhouses when I’m in a city with good places – esp enjoy Chicago and San Antonio TX. Being in Honolulu I’m lucky as I see lots of gorgeous Asians – my favorites

  112. Hey,

    I find your articles both informative and enlightening. There’s a lot to digest and ponder about and I don’t know where to start, but I have to say that on the whole I agree with your views and experiences as a GAM. Your comments have verified a lot of my own thoughts and feelings about being a minority within a minority. However, having said that, at least in my experience I really haven’t had too much trouble attracting younger to slightly older GWMs so far. If anything else I regret not pursuing potential dates/bfs mainly because I’m shy and rather picky. About a year ago I decided to create a list of cruising encounters as far as I can remember from memory, and not to blow my own horn but there were quite a few cute/gorgeous blondes. What’s interesting about these encounters is that none happened in a bar/club but rather at gyms, grocery, and other public settings. I don’t know whether it’s me, Seattle, or perhaps a combination thereof but like I said there are enough younger “rice queens” or Asian admirers to go around in this town. Have you visited Seattle before? Let me know if you plan to visit. If you have any questions about Seattle or myself just ask.

    Sam:)

  113. Hi, I read your stories with great interest. I have been going out with Asian guys for around 10 years now. In fact I’ve been in relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years +. I do agree that allot of GWM’s don’t dig GAM’s.

    My friends often ask me why I like Asians, I answer “why not” and they leave it there. I know there will always be a large percentage of GWM’s who only go for GWM’s and I might just be one of the few that is under 30 and likes Asians but hey they don’t know what they’re missing.

  114. Thanks for your stories. I enjoyed them however as a fellow Asian, I have a different experience than the ones you describe in your web site.

    The bathhouse I go to is very diverse; possibly a reflection of its geographic location in the San Francisco Bay Area. Here, Asians are widely accepted and I have had numerous sexual interludes that were very satisfying with White men who are young and Sexy. Yes, old Trolls do inhabit the hallways of the bathhouse, but I find that they are not the exclusive Asian admirer. I am not a very aggressive person at the bathhouse, so these young white men come up to me for a session.

    Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy the company of all kinds of men of every colour. I have dated white men as well as Asians, and Latins. I find all to be very sexy.

    I think you are suffering from a poor image of yourself and as a result, it reflects in your outward appearance and thus affects your initial meeting with bathhouse men.

    Please accept the fact that you are a very sexy and sensual man, desired by all young men.

    Best of luck

  115. Hi, don’t be fooled by the e-mail but I am not 34, nor am I big, nor is my name Buck. Instead, I am 21 and am a junior in college. Most of my friends call me a rice queen. Maybe I am one, maybe not. Being a student of social sciences, politics, sociology, psychology, you got a lot of things correct in your social analysis of rice queens, but you also got something’s wrong as well. For example, not all rice queens like Asian men just exclusively for their bodies and nothing more. Furthermore, not all rice queens expect their Asian boyfriends to behave in conventional gay Asian ways. I guess I would keep one thing in mind. Not all rice queens are demons. People are attracted to whom they are attracted to. Most people don’t like fat people. Are you going to demonize that segment of the population that only likes thin people? Some people are attracted to certain physical aspects of a person but this does not mean that he/she does not have standards. This does not mean that rice queens only have sex with their Asian partners and never are attracted to their partner’s mental faculties. Furthermore, as in most relationships, I am sure many a rice queen has been attracted to an Asian male only to never pursue him because there was no intellectual compatibility. I guess what I am trying to say is I sometimes like Asians, but so what, some Asians like me, so what. I have standards, I treat my boyfriends with respect and if I am not attracted mentally attracted to a partner it does not work out on my part. Am I a demon, no?

  116. I am 44 bi, interesting stories. the sauna scene here in Singapore is a little different since GWM’s are a minority, its reversed! the rest on the younger crowd, chubbs et cetera still applies

  117. I’m not a bathhouse person and I’m not hung up on Asians although I sleep with one once.(I don’t want to be labeled a Rice Queen so please don’t tell anyone!)Anyway I think the stories are cool and the guestbook makes for great reading.

  118. I have always been turned on by Asian men. I love their super smooth bodies.

    I love the color of their skin; it is shocking to find that other guys don’t share my tastes. although I’m older I’ve always held these views.

  119. Found your stories quite interesting and can relate to some of your feelings and opinions. I’m a rice queen and have been one since my teens. But that is not to say that I am only attracted to Asians for I am also attracted to good looking Caucasians and Latinos. If given the opportunity where all three were present I would always choose an Asian over a Caucasian or Latino that’s just my preference. I have had three relationships within my life so far and each has been with an Asian. The first was my same age lasted 5 years till I lost him in a car accident, he was Chinese. The second was 25 I was 31, it lasted 10 years when he decided to return to Malaysia. We remain friends to this day. The third was with a 35 year old Vietnamese/Chinese when I was 50 lasted for five years till he married under pressure from his family. We are still friends. I do not believe in stereotypes or in labeling of any kind. What’s important to me is character, attitude, intelligence and integrity. Age has never been an important criteria for me as it is now for me. At 61 it is hard to find an Asian within your age group let alone within 10 to 15 years separation. As you are very aware youth plays a very prominent role with the gay community. The older one gets the less acceptable he becomes within all age groups. At my age now I am not a sugar daddy nor am I looking for a son but it would be nice if I could find someone who accepted me for who and what I am and not my age or the sex they want. Most guys around my age I meet today are Caucasians and only want sex not a relationship. I can tell you from experience that finding an Asian partner when you are Caucasian at any age is difficult, but it can be done if you’re patient and persistent. The three Asian men that have shared life with me are extremely precious to me. And I am extremely thankful to them all for what they have taught me, especially about myself. My only wish and hope is that I can find another Asian partner to love and care for as we grow old together.

    It is my sincere hope that you find someone to share your life with for you have so much to give and yes, even learn. In reading your stories I feel you have become some what cynical from your observations and experiences. All old white men are not dirty old men nor are all Asians viewed as passive and sub-servant as you have depicted over and over in your stories. I can truly tell you that I have not found Asians to be as passive and sub-servant but just the opposite. I’m sure there are old white men like you have encountered as there surely are passive and sub-servant Asians out there. But to paint all with one brush stroke is wrong.

    From what you have described about yourself, if I were to meet you I would definitely like to get to know you better and I am not talking in an intimate way. With the hope of becoming your friend and equal. Though I do not agree with many of your opinions I do believe that you are a lone voice speaking for how many if not most Asian men feel and I applaud you for doing this for it is time the Gay Asian voice be heard in the gay community. Hopefully, more Gay Asians will speak out and the stereotypes the gay community has of Asians will be broken once and for all. Keep up the good work.

  120. I was actually cruising the net looking for pics of naked men, when I came across your page. I love it. Your personal stories are very accessible and at the same time very personal. I have an Asian roommate and have discussed the various stereotypes as I am mixed/black. He is actually into older white guys, but sounds like you in so many ways. Things appear to be the same in London, England.

  121. Thank you for the information that you have provided me. I am a young, well define, light skin guy (black heritage). 6’1″ in height, 29″ waist, 46″ chest. I do not commercialize my lifestyle to anyone, and if someone would suspect and ask me if I was gay whether it means losing a friendship, I do tell them the truth. The point of my story is that I know what you mean by rejection. Whenever I found someone that I like outside my race, I am reminded of my blackness. When I found someone that I like in my own race, I am told that I am too proper and act like a white man. No matter what I do, I can not find a common ground. I have had many approaches, but they never last. I am a monogamy person, and 98% person of the people that I met wants to have a one night stand and that is it. When see you the next time, they just act like they don’t even know you. I am getting tired now. I am going to bed.

  122. Just came to your site by accident, but found it really interesting. could relate quite well to it as I do visit the local bathhouse occasionally. I’m Chinese myself and have a Chinese bf. coming from a predominantly Asian country, I don’t really encounter the ‘race’ problem you described, but I must say there are really a lot of rice queens around, perhaps that’s why they are here in the first place. but I have no qualms about sleeping with them anyway if they are cute. try not to have that hang-up about not wanting to sleep with someone because he’s interested in you because u r Asian. sex is just sex. but I do hope you find your Mr. right soon. cheers.

  123. Hey, I stumbled onto your site when I was looking up “rice queens” in a search engine to see if there were any websites with that title. my bf and I were joking about how we should set up some sort of site about that. anyway, I’m a gay Korean (18 year old) and found your stories very fascinating to say the least. I don’t agree with everything you have to say, and won’t spend time debating ALL those points right now, but I can understand some of the feelings that arise in your accounts. my boss is gay, also Asian and he has visited bathhouses and relayed stories very similar to yours.

    You say that you felt dejected especially by “Mr. gorgeous” because he brought in another Asian with him and therefore did not see you as a person. When you pick someone up at the bathhouse, how can you really see them as a person with intellect, creativity, dreams, and interesting quirks with just a brief conversation when their physical attributes are so highly emphasized? I also think sex is great, but sex gets better with a heightened emotional knowing and understanding of that person. when I was very very very confused at my years of 14-16 and meeting boys and men, I went through a lust period of almost all one night stands and brief encounters. I can say that none of those experiences compare to the love making I have now with my current boyfriend of a few months. We didn’t even kiss until after dating for about two weeks! we still haven’t had intercourse yet but it is something to look forward to (I know you don’t have butt sex). I feel that the more I get to know this person, the more I can understand how to please him physically and emotionally (and vice versa). I am not living in a fantasy though, and I realize our relationship may or may not last for a long time, but at least I am truly enjoying my boyfriend as a person. we shop, eat, play, social direct, sleep, bathe, cook, criticize, and debate with each other (god do we debate). Physically, he is white, 21, in shape, blue eyes/blond hair etc etc. Ironically, he is not my ideal type heh. I am generally more attracted to guys with darker features esp. Latino guys and certain European types. I also think other Asians are really hot! I dated a Chinese man for a while, but that didn’t last due to our conflicting interests in life. My bf and I have discussed our ideal physical types with each other, and he generally likes dark featured white guys, Asians, Serbians, and all those Bel Ami types. However, he really likes guys taller than him (he is 6’2″ and I am 5’7″) and he has dated a lot of guys slightly older than him in the past, so I am very confident that he is attracted to me both as a person and sexually.

    Anyway, I thought I’d share my two cents (out of many dollars) of opinions for now. I know that I am young (yes that is also my name) and have not acquired as much experience as you, but I agree that in many terms Asians are seen more as a fetish than just as people. Also, I agree with the maturity label that often sticks with young Asian men. I get so disgusted by many of my peers so some of my good friends are older (including my boss who is 30). I think in one of the letters you put up on your website, someone said that Asians lack a cultural solidarity. that is key in why Asians have such low self esteem. we’re not working together as a culture to promote our strengths and find happiness in our cultural background. the fact that gay Asians see each other as competition rather than friends is proof of that! how can we expect other cultures to respect us, if we cant respect ourselves? I guess it works both ways, but I’m blabbing..

    Well, I know you are quite busy, and I’m sure you are bombarded with many messages such as mine, but if you’d like to keep an online contact, please write back to my email address. I find your stories insightful, curious, funny but depressing but I love your acute analysis of the people you encounter. I feel I do that all the time as well. I’m not really interested in experiencing the bathhouse culture (although I was in the past), but I think you seem to have a lot of valuable advice to give. if you’re not terribly busy, please write back. Perhaps I can offer my perspective even in my naive optimistic youth. 🙂

  124. I have only had Asian experiences in all my life. I also was 21-30 at one time. Now I am 60+ what do you consider me– chopped duck liver? I’ll kill myself if you think I am ruining your visits to the bathouse. Just think when I am 90 you will be 60 and will look like chicken to me. But then I’ll guess I’ll be just another old fart. Money or a pampered play toy? Money– it generates its own interest and grows continuously without too much attention.

  125. I’m a twenty year old Asian male and I’ve recently came out last year. I can relate to you on the fact that its hard being a minority within a minority. Although I have had a few boyfriends, I’ve realized that sometimes, things just don’t work out the way that you planned them to. I met my rice queen about seven months ago and he was absolutely amazing. He was 23, good looking, sensitive caring personality. I loved him so much, but I started thinking, does he just love me because I am Asian or do I just love him because he is white. Personally I don’t go searching for rice queens, I prefer to date open minded people, and trust me, they are out there. However, the relationship did end because he wanted to get too serious too fast. He is know with someone in Toronto while I’m still here in London. I still think about him, but I know that the both of us are better off being friends. In terms of the endless search for Mr. Right, I usually don’t bother looking for him because he will probably find me someday. Also, I believe that I should never lower my standards just to have someone, because in the end, you will just be miserable. I’m not a superficial person, however, there has to be some kind of attraction regardless of what everyone else thinks. I’ve recently realized that I find some Asian guys attractive. So I wouldn’t consider myself a hardcore potato queen although all of my previous boyfriends have been white. I think part of the reason why Asian guys do not like Asian guys is because they are not attracted to them, and therefore, they do not find themselves attractive, if that makes any sense at all. Growing up in a white world is hard, I wear green contacts and bleach my hair once in a while. And this is not because I want to be white, well sometimes I do, but the main reason is because I choose to be different and stray from societies standards that because I’m Asian, I have to look a certain way. Well, thanks for letting me get everything off my chest.

  126. Hi, Loved to read your stories; such a shame that you are in the US – would love to meet you in a sauna – as I am one of that small minority of rice queens. I have only gone to Bathhouses since a Thai friend took me to one in Bangkok last October. That opened up a whole new world! I have been now to a few in Osaka, Bangkok and in Holland. Last May I was in Vancouver, and did go to one where I met the best looking Chinese guy I ever saw – and we had a good time together! In a secluded room, but with others standing by. Very good experience! Just wish there were more in Holland

  127. Hey there – stumbled on your site looking for articles about all gay/bi guys having the same haircut. I sympathize with you – or rather empathize? I am one of that small percentage of guys in their mid-20s that think Asians are hot and sexy – loathe the term rice queen but half of all my dates have been Asians and much of the remainder Latino. Currently I’m dating a Filipino guy (he’s 28, I’m 26) and he’s mentioned views similar to yours… I seem to be the Great White Hope sometimes (I sometimes relish knowing that he and his friends are talking about me in Tagalog – and I like being shown off) – I attract a lot of ethnic guys – but I’m ways wary/weary of dating the idea of a person instead of really dating them) – but that’s fine with me because I’m attracted to them and I let all the white A&F clones date each other into a frenzy. Give me smooth, muscular, brown skin and a face UN-muddled by European features to keep me coming back. And the eyes… gazing into those dark chocolate eyes… It is interesting to me the older men thing. I’ve noticed it with my gay Asian friends. I’m the youngest guy my current lover has ever dated… hey wrote me off as a kid when we first met… but then again – my goals and ambitions stretch past drugs, dicks and DJs. I also notice guys fulfilling the subservient Asian stereotype – Christ, if I wanted 1950s sex roles I’ll stick with straight dating – I don’t want a comfort woman – I want a boyfriend! ANYWAY – I’m gonna read more of your stories and use it to rev my engine for the handsome Filipino man that has come into my life.

  128. What about all the non-white guys who are interested in Asian men? And there are not enough of you Asian men not hung up on the white-guy thing, but to those of you who are out there, a big THANK YOU!

  129. I used to go to Club Seattle (in Seattle, of course) once or twice a year. I loved it! I’m your age, white, and don’t have any kind of “anti-attraction” to Asians . . . drop me a line if you get a chance. I wouldn’t mind hearing from someone my own age who enjoys bathhouses too!

  130. Just wanted to say ‘thanks’ for all your thoughts. Your stories seem to have been the only, maybe hope(?), that I’ve had that gay guys aren’t only about sex. I don’t understand anything about what it means to be gay, or Asian for that matter…and my only advice has been from straight friends. The insight you provided, while incomplete I’m sure, I hope to learn from. Also wanted to apologize. Since I have no idea what you looked like…my imagination grabbed the cutest looking Asian and substituted him for you in your stories. Maybe that’s the real reason why your stories seemed so endearing, even though I know I don’t know you at all. I guess I’m no better than any of those guys who are attracted/unattractive to you just ‘cuz you’re Asian. I’m sorry. I hope that you will find that someone who will love you for who you are, and not because of who he wants or perceives you to be. Be happy. God bless.

  131. Found your comments interesting. Not sure I agreed with all of them. I get annoyed at the amount of sexual exploitation that has happened in this country of young Thai guys who have come to live here, in particular. But, I also have to say that it has been, for me, a case largely of young Asian guys chatting me up, rather than the other way round. If they approach, and appeal to me, then what happens happens – safely, of course. One or two of these encounters have led to long standing and valuable friendships. I don’t like the term ‘rice queen’, or ‘rice’ for that matter – quite derogatory. Anyway, I value the friendships and fun times I have had with Asian guys, and I make sure I treat them as equals, and fun times are fun for both of us. Interested to know if other Asian guys find white guys generally treat them as equals (as they should), or do they get treated just as a sex object.

  132. I am going to visit one of my friends in N.Y.C. next weekend. Would you please recommend some bathhouses there? I’m a GAM. Thanks! Age 29

  133. Where is this bathhouse with all the Asians? I go to the East Side Club in NYC and the Asians there seem very popular and in demand. Also very in demand in Ft Lauderdale FL. I want to check out this club with all the Asians. The places I go Asian is only 5% or less and very desirable.Not only with older guys. Thanks if you reply.

  134. Enjoyed your site! I’ve started going to the baths outside of SF (true bathhouses are outlawed within the city) regularly just this year and have experienced much of what you have written. Regarding being Asian, I really think you should try San Francisco. It is really much different here. Of course we have your classic rice queens but also many guys who date across different races. It is very common to see cute Asians with young cute white guys here. I, myself, am single after a very long LTR and now am enjoying dating Asian, Hispanics and whites. Perhaps it’s an East Coast “Thing” that you are experiencing? Best of Luck to you and look forward to more articles regarding the baths.

  135. I had a great time reading your stories and look forward to coming back to read more.I was curious about the location of the bath house that had a strong Asian clientele. I have not encountered that — even in NY. Could you let me know where that one is (i.e. name and/or location). Thanks!

  136. Hi, I’m a GAM too. After reading your articles, I felt depressed that Asians are not considered attractive in the white gay world. Are things really that bad? Surely some white men will see pass our race right? Are things getting better for us GAM? I’m not a potato queen by the way. I’ve had Asian partners.

  137. I really enjoyed your stories about the baths. On occasion I go, and my favorite types are Asians. I am such a pushover for some nice smooth skin, can’t get enough of the touching. Thank you for taking the time to explain your interest in all of this too. I have always felt that most Asians didn’t like GWM, but I can see if I am a little shy, a GAM won’t be too expressive himself. Looking forward to my next visit to the bath.

  138. I am a mixed black/Arab/Asian guy..I read your story on finding a good “white” guy….of course we all have our preferences of the type of guy we are attracted to and I for one am not the one to cause any confusion..but why not look for someone in the baths other than “white”? if you are just there for sex anyway..I am sure there are some really hot black guys or Hispanics..?

  139. I have really enjoyed your stories and have been surprised by some of your anecdotes of the baths. I am a Caucasian and my partner is Chinese. We are approx the same age. I suppose you could call me a true “rice queen” as I find Asian men exceedingly attractive to the point that I wouldn’t consider dating anyone else. Anyway, I just want to let you know that I’m one of those rare people you spoke of. I wish you the very best and happiness always.

  140. I enjoyed your pages. Very well written and interesting content. I just like men, regardless of their race 🙂 Actually, one of my nicest experiences ever was ending up in bed sandwiched between two 21-year-old Chinese students! I have white ancestry traceable back 150 years, but due to my features, a few times I have had guys ask me ‘are you a bit foreign’ or ‘are you mixed-race’. I could tell by the tone that it was a problem to them. I find it weird. My impression is that it is a bigger problem in the USA too. I’ve been to a few saunas in my time and met some very nice guys there. Some of the best and most interesting.

  141. I’m 20, not in that bad of shape, and totally have a thing for Asian men. if I ever saw you I would probably jump on you or something for hours on end. your stories gave me a hard-on (me touching myself didn’t hurt either). but what do you think of Latin men? just wondering.

  142. I like your writing. I guess you are in Canada, where else has so many bath to choose from? I feel you are a little bit tight about the danger in it like never suck a dick again. It might be smart choice, but you lose a lot fun by that too. It’s hard to find a guy you like and he happens to like you, and since we are Asian, people do tend to think we are bottom, that is somewhat a problem. I also feel the younger the people are, the more open minded and less racial they are. Hope to read some of your new stories later.

  143. I am a middle aged white male. I have always liked Asians. I guess I should amend that to I have always liked attractive men. This includes Asians, whites, blacks, Latinos, etc. You have to give people a chance.

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