Been There Done That
Been There Done That

Been There Done That. Going to a bathhouse as many times as I do, you wind up meeting and seeing some of the same people over and over again. With some people, you can be somewhat friendly. Other people you can acknowledge and give a nod or a sign of recognition. Others, you just ignore. Being ignored by other men is just how the baths are. If you can't take it, then don't go. But what happens when you have slept with someone once at the baths and then you run into him weeks later. Do you pick up where you have left off? Do you ignore that person? Or do you acknowledge that person and make small talk as if nothing has ever happened? Well, depending on the situation, all three are applicable.

Picking up where you have left off

Recently, I was with 'Jake', who is a bouncer at a leather bar. This last encounter marked the fifth time we were together. It gets better and better. Jake is a magnificent lover, completely devoted to giving another man the utmost pleasure (and a proud Rice Queen to boot!). Each time we run into each other, we pick up where we last left off. Jake understands these encounters are one-night stands. And they will go no further than the bathhouse. In my opinion, whatever happens at the baths should stay there.

The hours a man spends at the baths is a fantasy. Within those walls, gay men can do or act in whatever fashion they want. There is so much sexual freedom and liberation in that environment. Thus the relationships you form with other men at the baths are very superficial. Once a person steps outside of a bathhouse, they are back in the real world. So in a sense, you only know that person in the moment. That is not the way to begin a relationship. In that context, you are literally running towards each other in slow motion. Who know what he is like with clothes on. So, it is okay to pick up where you last left off with the same guy. Enjoy it! As long as you know that this is a superficial sexual relationship and that nothing will develop from it. But everyone is different. There are some couples that have met at the baths, and are still going strong years later. So what do I know?

Do you ignore that person?

It will be inevitable that you'll run into guys you've slept with once (or even a few times) at the baths. And they show no interest in picking up where you two last left off. There could be a number of reasons as to why. Such as 'been there-done that', zero chemistry, sexually incompatible, bad breath, etc. I mean the list is endless. But how you go about declining another roll in the hay is the key. Some guys take the easy way out. They act like they have never seen you before. In short, they ignore you. Not so uncommon at the baths.

Case in point, I once met this GEORGEOUS man, with the looks of a supermodel. He seemed very shy, but that did not stop either one of us from hooking up quickly. It was during the time I didn't suck dick. When I told him, he seemed very surprised. But then he did not suck dick either. So, we cuddled and kissed. I thought we had a great time, but then I ran into him a second time. I might as well have been invisible since he completely ignored me. While there, he spent the entire time chasing after all of the other young Asian guys. It did hurt, but I guess that he wanted to find an Asian guy that was more subservient than I was.

Another time there was a guy that I was with twice. When I saw him again, I decided to take a pass on a third time. The second time was like 'been there-done that' and sexually incompatiblity. But that did not stop him from scoring with someone else. All the while leaving his door wide open for everyone (including me) to see what they were doing. And boy did they do it everywhere. Not only in their room with the door wide open, but also in the sauna, the steam room, the shower and whirlpool, even in the hallways!

I did not object to him seeking someone else out (this is a bathhouse, after all). I admit it did hurt a bit to see his escapades right in front of my face. When the shoe has been on the other foot, I have been more discreet, even seeking out the person to make sure there are no hard feelings. For me, the bottom line, is to be warm and friendly to everyone I interact with at the baths. Even if I run into someone who I have been intimate with, I try to give at least a friendly acknowledgement.

But be warned, not all men are like that. Most likely, you will be ignored. Truth be told if you see someone again, they probably don’t remember you, cause that was a while ago. Or the guy is an asshole who views other guys as objects just to get laid. That's just the way the baths are, so don't take the rejection personally. The cold shoulder is not about you. The guy is too just busy looking for someone to hook-up with, that he has blinders on. It truly has nothing to do with you.

Small Talk

Then there have been men, who after two or three encounters, have no interest in me sexually at all. Again, it is that 'been there-done that' feeling. But they still greet me with warm friendliness and affection. At first, this was hard for me to compartmentalize. One minute we are being initiate, two hot sweaty bodies together. The next minute, we are sitting in the lounge commiserating on the latest episode of 'Sex in the City'. Either he does not want to start things up again, or it is me who is wary, for whatever reason. What is nice about this is that we are not ignoring one another or being awkward with one another. We are being friendly.

God if only all gay men can end relationships like that.

6 thoughts on “Been There Done That”

  1. I use all strategies, ignore, nod, chat, or going for seconds, thirds etc. I go by by my intuition, or is it animal instinct. Some guys think that once they had you, they are entitled to more. If they prove to stalk me in the aisles I ignore them completely, until they get the drift. I am a very sociably person, and like to chat to all sorts of people, but I have become much colder and wary, since many seem to mistake that for me having sexual interest in them. It’s always nice when people recognise the sublte gestures and signs that spell out what you’re looking for. I think the customers are divided in people who have this skill and those who are completely oblivious to this non verbal communication.

    90 percent of the men I’ve had do not get a second round. It’s the language of eyes that emits most efficiently the message of interest or no further interest.

  2. Great blog. I’m in my mid-forties and have been hitting the baths around North America since I was 22. Lot’s of great stories. AND I LOVE GAM’s!!!!

  3. I’ve never been to a “bath” before only heard about it and you didn’t really give a good description of what to look for other than its going to be in a corner with no sign. I would like to know if there’s any other details that I should look for. Or if you have been to Sacramento, California or in that region and found bath houses I would like to know where they are. That way, I could check them out sometimes.

  4. Loved your vignettes about your bathhouse experiences. If you were to write a book expanding upon these stories, I would buy it.

  5. Your stories strike home – they are universal. You could easily be describing the two bathhouses in Dallas! I will get busy and send you one of my stories sometime.

  6. Just wanted to say about relationships. I met the LOVE of my life at the baths, we had a wonderful 4 years together before he died. So don’t judge everyone as a bad potential mate!

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