Alcohol, Addiction, Drunk, Gay Asian

The next year I finally ran into Thom leaving the bathhouse with his Asian fuckbuddy. He looked terrible, the drinking clearly on his face and he looked beyond hung over. He said he was sick, but I knew better. And he was pretty distant towards me. He could have been talking to me from the planet Mars, and it wouldn’t have been far enough for him. Through some snooping I would discover that this duo spent the night at the baths. Thom was so drunk he latched on to one guy and refused to let him go. Then later on he fucked another guy in the early morning hours. All the while this Asian fuckbuddy was lying on one side of the bed, face towards the wall, completely awake. While on the other side Thom was topping this dude. The minute Thom ejaculated he threw the guy out saying My boyfriend is trying to sleep.

I saw Thom a few more times at the baths. Twice he came in with his Asian fuckbuddy, and walked right by me as if I didn’t exist. The third time I saw him, we had a brief conversation where he told me to my face that he was looking at making friends. I guess he doesn’t even consider me a friend.

He must have been really serious about making new friends as Thom signed up on Plenty of Fish. Soon he changed his profile from ‘Not looking for a relationship’ to ‘Looking for a relationship’ in one day. Overnight he was inundated with requests from Asian guys and chose one guy at random to meet. After one date (yep you read right) they both rushed home to update their Facebook pages to say they were in a relationship. His new Asian love is TiTo (pronounced Tea Toe) and they are known as a couple called T&T (Thom & TiTo!). Complete with a T&T Facebook page where they declare their love for each other. His Asian fuckbuddy is now history. Even though they were friends on Facebook that has been terminated as well. When Thom wants to move on he just presses the delete key and never looks back. Though he posted on his Facebook page ‘Its sad how quickly people can forget about you until they want something from you.’

Instead of looking internally into himself and examining his past behavior, Thom thinks this quick fix of a boyfriend will solve everything. He has convinced himself that the baths and booze was the real problem in his life. Instead of filling his emptiness with liquor, he sees companionship as the solution. So he has sworn off the baths and booze and has embraced this new relationship. But that is only a band-aid solution. Things might be hunky-dory for a while. But Thom is in major denial about being an alcoholic. He is just a time bomb waiting to go off. Once he is settled and feels good, Thom will return to drinking. He now has a full-time enabler in TiTo.

This is not a relationship. But rather companionship and Thom is pulling the strings on TiTo as his puppet. It would be akin to some rich guy hiring a hustler for companionship. Paying the trick for companionship to travel, go to the theater, dine out, and even fuck. Only difference between that and the T&T relationship is that TiTo is not getting paid.

TiTo was looking for a partner in life who is honest and drama free (good luck). TiTo is so enamored by Thom he practically worships the ground he walks on, by ‘liking’ every single post Thom puts on his Facebook page. Every posting, every picture, every video, even every response Thom makes. Everything Thom likes on Facebook, TiTo places a ‘like’ to. T&T is needy meets needier. Because as I had said earlier, an alcoholic (Thom) and a co-dependant (TiTo) are the perfect storm, T&T will be together for a very long time. Judging by past history, they both will not come out of this relationship unscathed. But rather severely damaged.

Someone once told me that narcissists don’t love who the person is. But instead they love what the person can do for them. When that person is of no use to them, they just throw him away. Which is what will probably happen in this case. When TiTo is of no use to Thom, he will throw him away and never look back. But it will be a very long time before that happens, because this duo needs each other.

I see now that I was just a transition for Thom, from the break-up of his marriage to the gay Asian community. I was the first Asian guy Thom was with. Before me he had only been with white guys, like himself. But now that Thom has discovered the GAM community, and he will never be alone. He has found the right kind of guy for his needs. Someone to be completely and totally devoted to every whim and need he has. To enable and tolerate his drinking, while ignoring all the cruelties that Thom will throw their way. And TiTo will hang on to this relationship by his fingernails, as he will never let go of Thom. A drunken GWM is better than no GWM. Once a GAM manages to land a GWM, they have finally climbed Mount Olympus. And they will NEVER let go of a GWM relationship no matter how bad things get. Due to their low self-esteem, GAM is enablers and co-dependents in all relationships with GWM. It is such a status symbol for GAM to get their GWM. Once snared, a GAM will NEVER let go of a GWM. NEVER EVER. Thom and TiTo are now stuck with each other, because each is a needy individual who feed off each other.

Even in the off chance TiTo were to dump him, Thom will never be alone. All he has to do is place another ad on-line. It wouldn’t even take half a second before tons of Asians start getting in line, ready to take TiTo’s place. Totally willing to become Thom’s next enabler. Not because Thom is that attractive, or has a great body or even has a lot of money. It is because Thom is white. And for a majority of GAM that is all that matters. I tell GWM all the time, if you have problems finding a boyfriend, just open your mind to an Asian. You will never be lonely again. And Thom has learned that lesson very well, indirectly from me.

My so-called relationship with Thom was completely superficial with no depth. TiTo can offer more to him than I can, in terms of supporting his drinking. I really didn’t pursue Thom at all and he likes to be chased. He has never been the chaser. Thus for some reason he has never been alone. There is something about him that guy’s find appealing, always wanting to be around him. Like I said if TiTo were to ever leave, another Asian guy would take his place in half a second. Thom can drop people on a whim and not have any feelings about it. He can act that way because he has found a community that worships the ground he walks on. Thom will have that for the rest of his life as long as he dates Asians.

Oh well at least I still have my dimples.

Gay, Asian, Caucasian, Interracial, Racism, Sexual Politics, Grindr, Male, Men, Discrimination, Sexual Preference, White

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7 thoughts on “Bathhouse Drunks”

  1. “But I do go to the baths for the social aspect and the hope to find meaningless empty sex. I am just as guilty as the next person that is a lost soul.” do you really think you are guilty? Of anything other than exercising your right to do as you please? You really threw me with that.

    And sadly, having known a few alcoholics, Thom and Eli both sound typical and best avoided, so you dodged a bullet, albeit late in the case of Thom. You deserve better.

    1. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’ve never done any drugs including pot. I’ve never had anal sex at all. And I’ve been celibate for about five years. So you wouldn’t call that ‘goody two-shoes’?

  2. Another great account of one of your experiences and a true grit slice of bathouse life. I wouldn’t consider you irrevocably broken. You seem to have have dignity. And you didn’t go down the spiral downward, for empty sex, or a relationship with a man you fancy. The scene where Thom is fucking another dude, whilst his TiTo boyfriend is “sleeping” next to them in a bathouse cabin, is so awful. And what the hell was he doing there when he was apparently sick? You’re so much better off without him.

    I don’t believe in therapy (20 years? you should have put the money spent on it, in a savings account). You merely need to have unrelenting faith and self confidence (not hubris like most of the bath house posers as that is even more off putting than low self esteem). I’m sure you’ve got a whole lot more going for you than your dimples. If you’ve sorted yourself out, the right man will come along.

    As for the drunks, I find them even sadder than druggies. Alcohol is not sexy at all.

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