Rice Queen, Gay Asian Men, Gay White Men, Sexual Racism, Sexual Preference, Potato Queen

Recently at the baths I ran into Malcolm (read Chubs and Chasers). He was with another chub and they were relaxing in the hot tub after another sex session. I lamented to Malcolm about the lack of guys (of any race) that are interested in Asians. Malcolm listened in sympathy and suggested I look for guys on one of those websites where men look for casual sex. With nothing else to lose, I decided to go on-line. I used the search tool and typed in "Looking for GAM". I only came up with only one ad, and it was five years old.

Before I continue, I want to make something very clear. I am not saying that GWM (Gay White Men) should sleep/date GAM (Gay Asian Men) because it is politically correct. I really believe that nobody chooses attraction. It is just a preference. White men have been conditioned from birth to be attracted to their own race. There is nothing wrong with that. Nor am I saying that I (the author) want a white guy, and that I sound like sour grapes.

That is not the point to these essays. The point is that Gay White Men (who make up 95% of the dating pool in gay community) see Gay Asian Men as totally worthless, undesirable and completely invisible. And the sooner, we as Asian Men accept that and move on, the happier we will be. GAM chase after GWM to fill up the emptiness inside of them, the disease to please. Fellow brothers, we need start building our self-esteem and confidence. We need to open our minds and look to the person, regardless of the race. Find someone who can really appreciate our beauty and what we have to offer. As I said before, don't be a Potato Queen!

I've written about how GWM don't get turned on by GAM their same age. (For related links, scroll to the bottom of this page) This is by far the most hotly debated topic on my website. Of all of the men who have signed my Guestbook, I've received dozens and dozens of messages on this subject. No other essay I've written about even comes close to this debate that is raging on my website. A day does not go by where somebody doesn’t sign my Guestbook to comment on this topic. Mostly young GAM writing to me say thank-you, for giving us a voice. In fact no white guy (who isn't a self-proclaimed Rice Queen and/or over 40) has written me to disagree with my essays on this subject. If you scroll down to view the poll that is being conducted, over 80% of GWM say they prefer to sleep with their own race. OVER 80%!

Right now, I'm going to share some comments on this topic from GWM and GAM around the world.

Name: Tim
City/Country: New York, USA
I somehow got to your "racisms" page while searching on Google for a bathhouse (as in hot spring) in upstate New York… But I read it and I had to write to you. As a gay Asian male, I can relate too much of what you are saying. I am honestly better looking than 98.8% of the population--and because I always thought I was good-looking, I began body building in high school & I now have a body of a gay (White) porn star.

(To view Tim’s body, which he says is rejected by mediocre (his words) white guys on a regular basis, click here)

Having said all that, my experience hasn't been all that different from yours in many situations. Normally, I do okay with good-looking men (of all races and ethnicities) because I have my own circle of friends from the gym etc. and they know me as a person--which often makes my ethnicity less of a "turn off" and more "doable" to them, I think. But when I am alone in a bar etc., I can definitely tell you, lots of young mediocre White guys think they actually get to ignore me! But, the fact is that I, an Asian male, am out of their league! This whole trend is unfortunate--and, although I hate to blame the victim, it doesn't really help when good-looking Asian guys are often seen with ugly elderly White men… This is depressing me. It sucks.

Name: Jimmy Lee
City/Country: Unknown
I have read a few of your stories and admire the sense of honesty you bring to them. However, as I was reading I couldn't help but feel frustrated at how completely the author has bought into the stereotypes and generalizations fostered upon gay Asian men. Particularly, I point to the story Rice Queens…where the moral of the story is that given a Hobson's choice --a horny white guy would rather fuck a retard than an Asian. Have you ever considered maybe that white guy had a fetish for retards? To put it in terms of rejection is framing oneself as a victim. And even worse, complicit acceptance of western values of beauty. Shame on you. I too am Chinese but I am proud of my almond eyes and flat face. And by the way, I don't have any problems attracting extremely good-looking white guys.

Name: Tim (same author as above)
City/Country: New York, USA
Going back to the "racism" issue--I can see how some Asians may write you a NASTY note. You see some of us are so clueless that we don't know we aren't accepted. Others, like you and I, are perhaps more attuned to the fact that we are treated as 2nd-class citizens, not based on our individual merits but due to our ethnic membership. I personally know a Filipino guy who THINKS he is an integral member of a bunch of White guy friends, not realizing that these people are totally making fun of him & they don't even consider him a friend. They'd make him pay for things, though. He'd much rather go out with them and pay their cover charges (one can expect pay something like $20 just to get in a club) than be with us, who treat him with dignity. And you KNOW these guys just make him buy them drinks and then eventually disappear… It's really sad, but some people just CHOOSE to be blind about these things, and get mad at us for pointing out the obvious/inevitable.

It doesn't really upset me as much as it would/should, because I don't find White guys attractive to begin with… So being ignored by some ugly White boy doesn't affect my life all that much--although it certainly is unpleasant to be rejected because they are White and I am Asian. Do you like Latinos? African-Americans? Middle-Eastern? Asians? They typically don't buy into the whole ugly "China man with a small penis" Notion prevalent among young White boys. They, to me, are much better looking than White boys, and, more importantly, they are able to relate to our experience of being excluded/rejected for our ethnicity. I have dated some White boys, but they totally bugged me because they were so culturally clueless!

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Gay, Asian, Caucasian, Interracial, Racism, Sexual Politics, Grindr, Male, Men, Discrimination, Sexual Preference, White

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Gay, Asian, Caucasian, Interracial, Racism, Sexual Politics, Grindr, Male, Men, Discrimination, Sexual Preference, White

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27 thoughts on “Gay White & Gay Asian Men Speak Out!”

  1. Great article and perspective. I personally do not believe in race, I find the word offensive as we are all human. You really can’t help who you become attracted to, I am a GWM and find my self to be attracted to a variety of men. You there is always a physical component to any attraction but that is a small fraction to the overall complexity of attraction. I find that I can be attracted to a person of Asian decent as easily as a person of European or African decent. It’s all in the feeling towards that person, how they make you feel when your around them. I don’t consider myself a Rice Queen or any other designated label, I like people for who they are not where they come from. Given I’ve never been in a bath, and I’m not if Asian decent so I lack the experience you have. If you approached me I would not look at you as someone undesirable just because of a perceived look or fetish. I am a 40 yr old GWM and have never pushed anyone away because I felt the were unworthy. Shame on those that do, gay or straight.

  2. First, I would like to thank you for a great blog. I really enjoy reading your essays about gay bathhouse culture. I am a GWM, 35yo, from Finland (Northern Europe, between Sweden and Russia). I’ve visited around 25 gay bathhouses in Europe and I have to agree that the European gay community is not so GAM-averse. I don’t think myself as a rice queen. I’m 6’3″ tall, muscular and fairly handsome. Still I’d love to have sex With 30+ Asian guys. (I’m fairly confident that I’d enjoy your company if we ever visited same bathhouse at the same time.)

  3. Why I am so crazy gaga for Asian guys? Here is my unique perspective, and why I wish to devote myself to their appreciation and be epically tirelessly and lovingly service of their Asian cock. I’d like to be right their in the Guinness book as the most passionately devoted Asian Cock Sucker. Their mixture of androgyny is so hot. I love when people surprise me aren’t exactly as expected. Leave things free and open for them to be more than what others pigeon hole them into being.

  4. I thought what you said about how GWM discriminate against GAM was pretty interesting, but I think that a lot of the negative look at GAM is how they are portrayed in the media. I mean, think about it, when have you seen a gay porn video about an Asian that WASN’T doing it with an older man or that looked older than 18? I actually think Asian men can be attractive (in a non-fetish way), but since there isn’t really a lot out there about GAM who look like adults/have meat on their bones, I’ve sort of looked at it as a closed door; Just something to think about.

  5. These stories are interesting. I’ve realized these stereotypes about Asian men a long time ago but never before reading these stories really had a to make sense of it. Not all white men are attracted to white men. I am 21, WHITE, decent looking, not overweight, and educated. Yet I’m only attracted to Asian and some Latino men. I’ve never been attracted to White or Black men.

  6. I’d like to response to the GWM/GAM speak out section. To Asian American guys, I suggest after getting your college degrees and earn experiences in whatever field that you are choosing, move to live in Asia. There are many gay happening cities in Asia, Taipei etc, where you no longer need to feel as a minority. Why choose to be a minority while you can be a majority not facing all those ridiculous racism issues. The spa, the clubs in Asia are hot and steamy!

  7. I found your site to be an interesting read during my late night surfing session. I honestly got a bit tired of the complaining about the GAM vs. GWM subject of ‘sexual preference’ and ‘inferiority’. You’re really nagging about the subject on every page, though I suppose that’s the ‘feature’ of this site. If you’ve really sensitive about racism, you probably have some inferior feelings about yourself. It just makes me wonder if the white men rejecting you were doing it because you place too much importance on the race barrier. I don’t mean that as an insult, I certainly sympathize with GAM who feels the same way you do. I’m not into the bathhouses or the club scene FYI. I find men of all races and age attractive, though I’d prefer another Asian. I guess it’s unusual to go for personality first? I’m a good looking guy, I certainly wouldn’t be hurt if I got rejected by a GWM, I’d probably be the one to do the rejecting in the first place.

  8. Hey. Stumbled over your page and found it very interesting. Ended up spending a couple of hours going through some of your work, so I thought I might as well sign your guestbook.

    I’ve never been to a bathhouse, I’m not even sure if we have one in my city, so I can’t really relate all that well. It sounds rather interesting though.

    Your comments about GWMs and GAMs seems rather depressing to me, as I like many others have not really paid enough attention to that sort of thinking. Yes I am a GWM, and I’m also attracted to guys of Asian ethnicity. In fact, I had a crush on an Asian guy for an entire year (until I had to move…). The problem there was that he was straight! my luck….

    Anyways, great work and keep on writing.

  9. As a white guy who is ‘married’ to an Asian guy (18 years)… at first I was angered by your blog. But, sadly, upon reflection it seems true enough. I find it extremely ironic that all the Corbin Fisher photos outlining the article are of hot A&F white boys, just sort of driving the point home. My bf prefers white guys… and, after a lot of soul searching… I guess I do to. I love my bf…but in my fantasies and imagination… sex is with other white guys. I don’t find Asian guys ‘unattractive’, and find many of them VERY attractive. I live in Hawaii where NO ONE racial group has a clear majority (unless you lump all Asians together–then, ‘they’ do.) It is curious that in the chat rooms and the bathhouse here that whites seem to be more interested in Asians, and Asians in whites…. but, then again, it could be they’re just making excuses because they’re just not interested in ‘me.’ You may, however, wish to join in the Hawaii chat rooms to get a balanced perspective on this… from a region with–not ‘less’ racism, but–more interaction between the races. Familiarity breeds “attempt” I always say. Asians, to whites, can present a cold/unfriendly visage. We also have different body language. But, when we get to know each other, we are more apt to ‘try’ each other on for size, as it were. Thanks for your blog… very interesting food for thought. I agree with allot of it… and hope for a better future (and more integration) for all of our sakes.

  10. I think it’s important for people to know that people like what they like. Sometimes it can be construed as racist. As we discriminate based on race, we are indeed racist. If an Asian guy will not date another guy because he is Asian; he can be considered racist, but we cannot make him attracted to his own race. Can we accept it? Well we don’t have to, but he doesn’t have to change; he can do and feel whatever he wants. It’s his choice.

    I seriously do not understand the idea of leather daddies and chubs nor the transgender. What I do know is that people have and always will make their own choices.

    In a club, I see beautiful, sexy people of all races. I prefer to speak only to those I feel are attractive, and I’m sure others feel the same way. That’s why we are gay. We prefer the same sex. We wouldn’t walk about to the fag at the bar unless she had a hot boy hanging with her. Well, maybe we would if she was hot. At the same time, that doesn’t mean we are attracted to ALL guys only the ones we think are sexy.

    A reality I see is that here in the USA the majority population is Caucasian, so therefore probability would find that there are likely a higher proportion of attractive white males in our society than any other races. You see, if there is 100 people about 10-15% might be gorgeous and 10-15% unattractive, and the rest of the population average. So with about 5% of the population Asian, we might assume that there are MORE unattractive and average looking Asians in our country and FEWER sexy ones. Then if you look at the majority of the population, which happens to be Caucasian, due to the higher number, there will be the same proportion of beauties, unattractive, and average dudes; but just because the numbers are greater you will see much more sexy dudes like the A&F guys. We don’t see many Hot Asian guys on TV or ads because there are more Caucasians buying products just because they are the majority; the ads play to the vast populations.

    But have you seen Jin with his shirt off on LOST? And mind you, his wife on the show is hot too. Not to say I wasn’t turned on by Jack, the doctor either. He grows on you after a while, but the other dudes on the show; I am not too sure about.

    So if you ever go to another country and see “their” people, some might change their minds about Asians, Blacks, Indians, and etc.

    What I do know is that when I go out to the bar, there are a number of unattractive white guys that I would never walk up to. That goes the same with Asians and Hispanics and other races, but I do see a small number of different ethnicities (in some cases), maybe 3 or 4, but 5 at the most that I want to take home and lick whip cream off of.

    But like I said earlier, I don’t understand why some love older guys or chubs or whatever, but what I do know is that it is okay…. Whatever it is.
    We have to be accepting and tolerant.

    Be tolerant. Not angry. Or even to the point where one might say some Asians do not love themselves. The reality is some Asians find “happiness” with older guys. Let them be. How could anyone deceive themselves? Have you done it? If so, did you know it, and did you really care? Well you would if you were bitter, angry, and depressed about it. Otherwise, you’ll live happily. And it’s really sad that others say that you’ve screwed yourself up and deceived your self.

    To be honest, it really sounds like my aging grandmother: “You sure? You don’t want an Asian girl? You lie to me. One day you find nice Asian girl and you marry. You young. You don’t know yet. Confused. I help you find right girl.”

    Why can’t we let people make their own choices? Tolerance. Better yet. Acceptance.

  11. Asia has some beautiful guys. South Asia, Central Asia, East Asia, the Middle East…all has gorgeous guys. Just like everywhere else in the world does. I’m surrounded by so many ugly guys every day here in England; I’m not silly enough to think that white guys are god’s gift to men, or that there are only good looking guys in Europe and North America.

    I seriously doubt that the rest of the world’s gay population sits around all day lusting after white guys. Also, don’t pigeon hole all white guys and put them in the same box. I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences. But just like everywhere has good and bad looking guys, every country has ignorant people, and jerks. Perhaps a visit to another place is in order and might open your eyes a bit more.

  12. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your dairies because I will be going to bathhouses in Seattle as suggested by this friend. Hell, I never though Asians were exotic. hell, that is bullshit perpetuated by Hollywood and in the minds of ignorant white folks.

  13. I liked the links to the articles about gay Asian men and the issues they face, how white people view them, rice queens and potato queens. Very informative.

  14. I never would have believed GWM/GAM racism existed to the extent you say until I voted and saw the poll results. Beats me why it exists. Every Asian I’ve met has been just another person — great; not so great; big; small; nice; mean; funny; rough; gentle. You name it. I’m sorry other whites don’t agree but heck, that just improves my chances! Especially in Texas!

  15. I am a young white male, I guess the type you’d consider A&F, and I find other young GWM attractive. However, I feel that all of your stereotypes have their exceptions. I have been with my boyfriend, a Japanese/Hawaiian who is now 21, for two years. We are monogamous and very much in love. Neither of us become jealous dancing with other men b/c we are sure of our relationship. How did we come to be together? Chatting online. Although I may have not been attracted to this person outright, our personalities have been the stability in the relationship. Ours is not necessarily based on physicality?s. Please, be aware. Relationships like ours exist. There is hope for you and people like you to find what you least expect in the unlikeliest of people.

  16. I am now 48 and I like to have sex with Asians, But I was 22 when I had my first encounter with an Asian. And it was great.

  17. I was surprised by your comments about whites not liking Asians. I guess I always thought most of us white guys liked Asians. A friend of mine was horrified when a Vietnamese guy came up and offered his services when he was vacationing there–just presuming that the white man wanted sex.

    I like Asian men, and I’m white–and I like Chinese food, but i don’t think my attraction to Asian men is about their culture.

    My last bf was Chinese–he was willing to take charge, though, and I liked that. so it’s not a submissive thing with me either.

    I don’t know why I felt like i had to bother you with all this–I think maybe as one who isn’t the stereotypical “hottie” I just want you to know that there’s at least one (more) gwm who doesn’t fit your experience. So maybe there’s hope.

    Maybe you don’t have to be single for the rest of your life, but maybe the bathhouses aren’t the right place to meet the type of guy who would be attracted to you.

  18. I was actually looking for a massage place and stumbled upon your message. I was reading the page you had on GWM and GAM. I found it very interesting because I could see how what you said is seen at the clubs. I’m fairly new to the gay scene (about 2 years) I must admit that I was “into” white guys at first. I don’t why, I just did. I had a few encounters with white guys…they always seem to think they can have me just cause they are white (but they can’t)… I realized that I don’t want to play this game of feeling like an innocent Filipino. I then started to look at other men and saw that Asian men were a better fit for me. I now have a boyfriend (who is Filipino and we have been together now for about 2 years now. In response to one of those guys who said Asian guys are all drag queens. That is not true at all. HE is generalizing the whole Asian community. There are many strait acting Asian men that, like myself, that don’t want to come out of the closet and keep it to just a few friends. I hope to read more later…. take care for now

  19. Why waste time fawning over gay white people!? They are superficial, shallow and meaningless people that only care about material things and surface appearances. They have no souls because they were born that way. I have been reading all the past comments and it looks like the ones who signed that were white prove my point. Whether they be proud white racists to Asians or “rice queens” that want to be with Asians, they both have one thing in common in that they are equally disgusting and not worthy to even be acknowledged as people. Both are pure filth and the Asian “potato queens” that actually like those type of people are seriously in need of therapy and a boost of self esteem. Gay white people have inflated heads and some form of Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey diva attitude like they own the world. Gay white “rice queens” on the other hand are disgustingly overweight and don’t care about hygiene. If they are not overweight then they might be exceptionally ugly in every light or angle. If they are not ugly then they might be so old that they don’t even cast a shadow anymore. Dude might need a walker just to go take a piss or has some machine attached to his penis so that he can take a piss in some tube without having to go to the bathroom. If he is none of these things in particular then one thing is for sure … he must be all of these things in one big basket of nastiness: overweight, stank, butt ugly, old dude in his 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s. I think I left one out … he could also be such a gigantic loser that only another gigantic loser Asian “potato queen” would want to be with him.

  20. Well, I must say I am very surprised by many of your comments about GWM and GAM! I admit I am not a frequent goers to the baths (only been twice in my life and each time I was rejected very quickly and left). I for one, have dated Asians, Hawaiians, Vietnamese and yes Whites. My last partner was Mexican. The way you speak is that ALL white men are the same towards GAM, which is simply not true. In fact, the way you talk makes me feel like you are discriminating against White people. Maybe in your experience this is what you believe, but I am here to tell you it is simply not true. If I saw a well-build GAM in a bathhouse who was attracted to me, I’d be all over it.

    I get the feeling if we were to run into each other in a bath house, you would look the other way because you’d think, “oh he’s white and good-looking, he won’t want me!” and I’d be the one who felt rejected.

    The GAM you said was rude to you at the gym?! How do you know he was not flirting with you because HE PREFERRED Asians and when you walked away you made him feel rejected!? That’s the way it looked to me!

    Anyway, I DO like your pages. I’ve always been intimidated by bath houses and now I feel I understand them better. If I ever go again at least I’ll have a better understanding of what to expect and not take it personally if someone says No. Thanks for the blog and your great site.

  21. Tim looks super. Asian men have smooth skin and are soft to the touch. Great ! The Quiet American wants to bed a Black and a Chinese – would be great with men too, Blacks and Chinese/Indonesian – ideal. You are right about porn – boring and mechanical. Cadinot is best, eroticism. Quickies bore – without feeling no erection, no fun without knowing.

  22. Keep up the good work, especially on how Asians are treated/viewed by most Caucasians in the bathhouse/gay scene.

  23. So glad to come across this site. Although I may not share every bleak sentiment of the writer, he got the gist of it down as I would’ve written. This is a very encompassing, complex issues that GAM as a whole facing in the white world. Fortunately, I have seen the trend more enlightened that more GAM & GAM couples at least locally. But as the national trend in the US and Canada may not reflex that. That’s why this writer has more bleak and depressing perception. As more and more GAM wakes up and be more reflective, hopefully it’ll be more GAM & GAM couples. Keep up the writing and I’ll be back often.

  24. Enjoying reading your site. Have only been to one bathhouse – in Thailand! The whole “GWM don’t like GAM’ is somewhat reversed there, as you might imagine! 🙂

  25. Being Asian and living in pretty much a white community I have never experienced this sort of problem. I reckon you desperate guys who ONLY date Asians should get yourself a life. If you don’t find your own race attractive how can you possibly expect others to find you attractive? It shows that you take very little pride and have very little respect for your nationality. One of the major differences between Caucasians and Asians is the upbringing of the two races; they are two different people hence not being able to connect. I personally don’t get along with other Asians as well I as get along with Caucasians, that’s simply because I’ve been raised here and I’ve always grown up with my close mates who are Caucasian. I’ve had many Caucasian boyfriends but I wouldn’t hesitate to date another Asian if he was compatible. So, stop looking down on yourselves, coz you can’t expect other people to respect you or find you attractive when you simply claim yourself as being ugly. Everyone has preferences and how can you FORCE Caucasians to like Asians when they don’t, deal with it for god sake, you can’t make people attracted to you so stop being so sour about it.

  26. I live near upstate NY and want to get to know the writer ‘Tim’…’cause i think we have a mutual interest.

  27. Greetings from Amsterdam. I have never been to a bathhouse although there are lots here. I had a white and an Asian bf and selection has always been made on character. I do like a lot of Asian people because of their friendly and usually less unreliable character. furthermore I find especially Chinese and Japanese culture interesting because of the big differences in almost everything. oh, I am a 25 year-old medical resident and my current bf is a 28 year-old Singaporean surgeon, pretty sure he is the one 🙂 He is a very nice guy, proud Chinese who has dated other Asians as well and just likes me for my character as well. I wish you well…and as a Dr. I must say, keep doing it safe 🙂

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