Making The Connection
Making The Connection

It has dawned on me that there is an entirely different reason (other than the sex) as to why so many gay men go to the baths. What is it? It is the need for gay men to connect with other gay men. Making the connection.

Why is there this need on making the connection with someone else? One word – loneliness: Or rather a subconscious feeling of loneliness. Despite all of the strides and advances that have been made for gays and lesbians in the mainstream society, it can still feel very isolating being 'gay' in the gay community. There are many men that just don't feel they fit in.

And it is even worse if you have a lesser status in the gay community. Many gay men have self-esteem and insecurity issues. So it is very common to see gay men bash their fellow gay men who are viewed to be 'lower class'. Whether it is being a different race to driving a used car, there is nothing anyone can do to change the elitist gay environment that is out there. Just remember it says more about the person saying it, than it does about the group it is being said about. These people are the ones with a problem. So with all of the bars and clubs filled with all of these pretension and superficial gay men, where is there a safe haven to hang out with other gay men and feel somewhat accepted? You guessed it, the baths.

True, the baths can be as superficial as the bars and clubs. But it is also a place where no one is ostracized that badly. And everyone is on somewhat of an equal level. There is no class distinction because everyone is naked, in a towel. Lawyers interact with truck drivers and so on. Plus, the baths is the only gay environment where you can see every type of gay man regardless of age or race. The bathhouses are a behind closed doors atmosphere where anonymity reigns supreme. Most times that connection you are making with someone else is a sexual one. But underneath those sexual feelings, lies the need to connect. Look at how many glory holes there are in sex clubs. And how much anonymous blowjobs go on in bars, clubs, dance halls, and even in public bathrooms. Again, underneath all of this oral activity is the need to connect with someone else, no matter how short or fleeting the experience may be.

For instance, I've seen this one white guy at the baths for the past few years. I've spoken to him a few times, and he is totally gay, very friendly and cute too! But the type of 'connecting' he is likes performing blowjobs and nothing else. No kissing, no hugging and no anal. Blowing guy after guy after guy. I think his record is 10 blowjobs in one night. And the nice thing about him is that he doesn't seem to discriminate between the races, the ages, or the weight of the person. I've seen him go from white to black, fat to thin, old to young; just a variety of men. In fact I doubt he even cares about what the guy looks like. All he cares about is the dick and how big it is. I guess that is one reason why I have never seen him with an Asian man.

And he is not the only one. There is this other young, white guy I've seen on a regular basis at the baths. My take on him is that he is deeply closeted and in denial about his sexuality. I would suspect that almost daily he has these urges to connect with other gay men. Whenever these urges become too great, he just drops by the baths. I've seen him at all hours of the day; after work, before Sunday dinner, on a Saturday afternoon, and so on. And all he does is gives blowjobs any chance he gets. One time I noticed him naked, on his knees, giving another guy a blowjob in the porno lounge. He blew that guy for at least a half an hour! The guy receiving the blowjob was sort of trapped, as the other guy (the deeply closeted giver) was so in to it, he refused to stop. He was truly sucking that dick like it was his last meal. The guy receiving had little choice but to sit there, continue watching the porno flick, and enjoy the blowjob.

As I had mentioned in Sex with Clothes On, many of these men don't want to get to close to anyone. This makes these sexual interludes somewhat ironic. These men have this need to connect with another man. But they don't want to get to close. And that is the beauty of the baths. They are able to sexually connect with another man, but to have that encounter remain anonymous and detached. No conversation is started, no names are exchanged, and no 'getting to know you' is established, just pure raw sex. Once these men ejaculate, those pent-up feelings of loneliness evaporate. A quick shower, and he's on his merry way. But trust me, a few hours later those feelings of loneliness resurface. And you can't get to the baths fast enough. For gay men that are OUT, it just means more fun at the baths. But for the closeted men, it is a frustrating merry-go-round. And this is probably what the deeply closeted guy, and others like him, goes through each and every time.

But there are also many gay men who go to the baths, looking for some sort of companionship in a non-sexual way. That is why you see more married, bi or closeted men at the baths than any other gay environment (i.e. bars or clubs). These men don't have many dealings interacting with the gay community and the need to connect someway with other gay men is strong. Just like I had mentioned with the deeply closeted guy, that need is actually insecurity and denial about their sexuality. By connecting with another gay man, these men are able to fill up that empty vacuum of insecurity. Thus they feel secure. But only for a short period of time, before that need resurfaces. What the baths offers these men is a false sense of security and acceptance. There is a sense of freedom to let go and feel uninhibited, outside of their normal lives. And since the baths is such an anonymous and closed doors environment, these men feel safer connecting with other gay men there. The bars or clubs, which is very visible, don't offer the same type of anonymity the baths can offer.

But it is not only these 'straight' men having this need to connect. Gay men have this need to. That is why you can see so many of the same men at the baths over and over again. All they do is hang out. It is almost like being a regular at the same bar night after night. Why are there these regulars? Like the deeply closeted guy, it is the subconscious feeling of loneliness and the need to connect with other gay men. To feel a sense of belonging within the gay community.

For instance, I've seen this good-looking Russian man frequent the baths on a regular basis. And how do I know he is Russian? Anyone who will listen, he has told his life story to. Complete in a heavy Russian accent. Any White guy the Russian spotted, he would approach and talk to about everything and anything. And some times, the Russian would hit it off with someone and get lucky. But just a warning; some guys do find this annoying when complete strangers come up and starts talking. Again it just gets in the way of some men looking for pure sex (which underneath is a need to connect). When approached for conversation, some men think that sex is the motivating factor

I've overheard various bits of conversations the Russian has had with other White guys. What I can piece together is that he is not OUT at all. But has these urges to be with other guys. He also considers himself to be straighter, than gay. Seeing this Russian talk to every White guy and try to be very social, struck me as a desperate need to connect with the gay community. I've even overheard the Russian guy admit to other people that he uses the baths to socialize and meet other gay men. Because the fact is he doesn't know where else to go to meet other gay men.

See below to go to page two of this story

24 thoughts on “Making The Connection”

  1. I just “found” your blog after enjoying your comments on other sites. I have to tell you – I LOVE IT! Some of these naysaying bitches be damned – don’t listen. One particular thing that resonates is the honesty of your expression of your observations and experience. The other thing is your perceptiveness. And I’ve only read 3 or 4 entries so far.

    I also agree with your premise about connection. There are two types of gay lives – within the gayborhood / gay community and outside of it. While electronic connection has burgeoned over the course of your experiences (and mine) it has served to stoke the thirst for beyond-physical connection for many gay men, not to slake it. Being a Marine for 30 years I was – and to a great degree my husband and I still are – outside the gayborhood without easy access to a gay sub-community, it was easy to get off; but even in a big city, I couldn’t just frequent gay bars and clubs on my leave times. Now, living in the suburbs, we can’t easily frequent even the gay community businesses.

    Bath houses, on the rare occasions that I could go, was like an immersion into a male gay world. A stark and welcome counterbalance to my male military world. To be among men, essentially joined in our objective, naked for the most part, all watching, assessing and, to the extent that the prime directive had been satisfied – or the sad occasions when it obviously was not to be – talking easily and casually, bared to each other there in commonality of one sort and of common purpose, was a rare opportunity to connect more fully. Letting our real, essential selves cavort among a herd of similar men was cathartic.

    Your essays capture and evoke – and I’ve only read a few – and give true texture as opposed to it distantly portrayed in QAF and others, just a bit too far to touch, beyond the screen.

  2. Well I am not sure why many gay couple goes to bath together I think one think that can be the reason its they just like to enjoy the water together. To be honest who wouldn’t like a great shower with his or her partner.

  3. Well, there’s nothing that connects us more, as human beings, than this type of intimacy. Something anonymous encounters can give us a greater feeling of connection and even intimacy than decade-long relationships.

    I was just checking out the other sex bloggers at’s Sex Blogging Contest. I liked yours, interesting and thoughtful.

  4. Hi, I’d like to see a category of asian links for gay chat.. I c gayromeo, and adam4adam but both have their limitations respectfully thailand, philippines and india. No Japan, China or Korea. is a pale comparison of its initial entree.

  5. I too have seen the guys who just patrol the halls and never do anything. The other day, there was this middle aged guy in a dark business suit, minus tie, but otherwise fully clothed, down to his polished shoes, who was just wandering around. He stopped outside my door at least 6 or 7 times, staring intently at my upturned ass, but never made a move or even a gesture. I so much wanted him to at least come in and try, but he stayed aloof. Then there was this other guy, who has really limited eyesight. He feels his way around the bathhouse, but when he finds a nice bubble butt, like mine, he dives right on. Doesn’t mind screwing in front if an audience, either. Bravo for him

  6. Does anyone know of a decent bath house on Long Island (Suffolk County), NY?

    Great essays on this blog. Thanks for posting.

  7. It’s true that in the bathhs, all men are naked, and socio-economically equal. looking for a quick shag is not always about loneliness though. Often it is just about sex itself, it’s that simple.

  8. Well said, the true fact is most of us love to keep themselves anonymous in a place like bathhouse. So there won’t be any bindings and stay away from their regular life. It work as an adventure too.

  9. Come to Korea and we can explore the gimjilbangs together! i have a couple of couches, so no worries! Love your site… it’s solid insight into what most of us are thinking/wondering about : )

  10. I’ve gone to a gay bi bathhouse before to have a hot time before but hardly ever connect with someone because of my inhibitions. I love to have sex with another man but he has to take the initiative cause I’m too shy I guess. I enjoy giving oral receiving anal but I like it when a man is the aggressor.

  11. Just wondering if you have more recent blog posts about your life now. Are you partnered? Do you still go to bathhouses? what have happened in the last 10 years? Thank you so much for writing all these. I have found them very interesting.

  12. I came across your blog thru Google. I was amazed at your wit and eloquence. I had always had the stereotype that men whom visit the bathhouses regularly belonged to a ‘certain category’ or that men whom sleep around also were certain ‘types’ but i guess its just a prejudice that i have. I am assuming that you were born and raised in North America. As someone born and raised in Asia, i guess the white thing you were talking about doesn’t really factor in given that its natural everyone you meet at a bathhouse or club would be Asian anyways. But i do see many Asians either in Asia or whom have moved overseas whom date much older white men or even if they are about the same age, always extremely unattractive as compared to the Asian. I guess so even for Asians whom grew up in Asia, somehow even without the constant media bombardment of ‘white images’ they still have an inferiority complex..sad..thank god, I’ve always preferred fellow Asian Chinese men, then Japanese/Korean, South East Asians, Latinos, Europeans and then Caucasians in that order..haha..weird but true..not the conventional order for those living in the west. take care n dun go to the baths too often, diseases spread easily even with precaution (all it takes is once) and seriously, you won’t find the intimacy you want and may even feel lonelier and dirtier after.

  13. Awesome observations and some really hot stories. I saw so much of myself in these pages with your observations of gay men. I’m actually bi, and have watched myself slowly change the older I get. I did not realize until I read your point about Making the Connection, that it is exactly where I’m at.

    I love gay sex, but the gay male connection is what I crave. My hottest experiences are the ones in which we kiss passionately and rub our bodies together. Fucking and sucking is very important, but that connection is just as, and sometimes more important. Thank you for helping me realize that. That gay intellectual and emotional bonding is the be-all and end-all right now. I just can’t imagine where it goes next.

    Like some people I’ve read about here on the site, when I first began having sex with men, kissing was the LAST thing I would do. It was too intimate, too intense. That hasn’t changed these days, except that I crave that now, I’d just as soon have that as a blowjob. Of course, once we kiss, that’s soon to follow.

    I have great stories and experiences to share, welcome any comments and conversations.

  14. Wow. your essay was very insightful. I’ve never been outside my country or any community that has GWM or anything but thanks for that info. hmm.. it makes me think about everything.

    I’m kinda new to this blogging thing and reading peoples’ blogs and site. But yours so far was the best.

  15. I find your stories to be quite original, and well written. Perhaps you should just publish instead of working for others at this time. Your insight and honesty are right on it seems, and it was a pleasure to discover you efforts. Thanks for making them:) And all though I have had an admiration for Asian’s my entire life..It distresses me to admit that you are correct in many of your assessments regarding GWM vs GAM..and vise versa, only I find that at times the reverse is true for me. Why is equal only a word? I really wish that in my younger days, the GAM’s I knew and wanted, didn’t at times think lessor of me for being white. Where were you when I was looking for Mr right:=) Thanks for the stories.

  16. I too have visited baths all over the world for the past 25 years. I enjoyed reading your perspective, it is all very fun, most of all.

  17. OK, call me naive…but my eyes are wide open, as is my jaw! LOL I had heard the term bathhouse, but didn’t realize exactly what it was. Your site is very enlightening, and I am impressed that you haven’t fallen to just writing porn-type stories. I hope you will continue to be careful, also.

  18. Indian Asian 39yrs and in middle east, have to enjoy read your info for bath houses, have you info for middle east let me know Thanks and loves

  19. I really enjoyed your stories. I learned a lot from them. I have never been with an Asian, but am interested. I think you could teach me something.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *